Hey guys, About a month or so ago I posted a thread about how I was going to try ibogaine as I had heard it helps treat PTSD.http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post435345
This has been the single biggest step forward in my recovery. I can't recommend it enough.
My Ibogaine experience was not at all what I expected. It is very hard to pin down because it is different for everyone. The wild visions I expected never came. And the experience wasn't really a trip at all, even calling it psychedelic is a bit off. It is more of an induced dream state, I could sit in the room, pretty much sober, with almost no visuals during the middle of the experience and decide whether or not to close my eyes and experience another dream or not. Other than vomiting the first of the two times I did it, the whole thing was incredibly placid. (some people experience deep turmoil though, so you have to be ready for that if you want to try this.
Before I did ibogaine I was expecting a kick in the ass so brutal, that would send me flying so far forward, that when I landed I would never give up on a goal, eat a beef patty with cheese, denigrate myself, or wallow in a dirty room again. Instead the ibogaine came as a gentle reminder that not every flaw in my character requires a brutal punishment. I saw some of the ugliest aspects of humanity and my direct involvement therein, and judged none of it. I allowed myself to be. In the following weeks that was the skill I had sharpened the most; I had way less negative internal dialogue.
While I expected to be shown harrowing accounts of sexual abuse so exhausting that I would essentially be forced to leave it all behind, the past was left untouched. After the trip however, my understanding and relationship with sexuality became radically different. It's a connection to God. My own masculine energy is my most powerful healing tool. When I was competing in kickboxing, even though I knew it would increase my chances of getting knocked out in front of friends, family and pretty girls, I would still masturbate daily before a fight. My aversion to pointlessly throwing away masculine energy has risen drastically and thus so has the extent to which I feel woven together. In other words, I have a growing sense of personal structural integrity that I never had before.
I have come to learn that every shitty habit is a mechanism of emotional denial, no matter how small or insignificant. Down to hitting the snooze button, or throwing you boxers on the floor. This is why integrity is so important for people who are trying to heal. That one day you want to fuck off is the most important day to work because you are aware you will have to face some feeling to do the right thing. Smoking weed regularly makes being a coward seem normal. For me, casually dehumanizing people through humor is a way of making sorrow and rage seem like a joke so I don't have to deal with it. I called out sick for no reason yesterday, and my room is still a fucking mess. But I do smoke way less weed, and I'm more careful the way I talk about other people now. It's a process.
I had many misconceptions about the nature of emotional strength. I thought being a strong man was about gritting my teeth and forcing myself through hard feelings to do what I had to do. In reality ones ability to overcome hard feelings is 100% about the ability to be soft and gentle with oneself when those feelings are around. Allowing your feelings to come in whatever shape they are in and letting them through without harassing them or bending them into a more convenient form, that is the foundation of emotional strength.
My parents and one of my more intuitive friends sees a notable change in my mannerisms, speech, and eyes. I sure as hell feel different.