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#437660 - 06/10/13 01:33 PM Taking up the challenge
OCN Online   content


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
Well guys

just want to share that this week i'll be having 2 challenges in one. Recently i got no new contract, so i'm home alone without a job. And last week i got a call that i'm invated to a first job interview for a job i applied for. This is actually the first time i get a positive response to an application i sent!

The interview is close to my brothers home, who is the one who abused me in the past. Since i've told my parents and him i re-discovered the abuse, the relationship has been cooled down a lot. It has given me some space to think it all through.

Now i thought its good for me to be close to the interview, so that i dont have to travel a lot. This means, i'll have to sleep over at my brothers place. I find it a big challenge and yet at the same time, it feels that it can be good. Dont really know what to expect, but i don't want to ignore my brother either. I just want a normal relation. Thinking about the abuse has made me realized that i look up to him. But when i was younger i never had that problem. So i'm seeing more and more patterns in my way of thought which are not beneficial. I want to learn to forgive myself and thats why i'm going to work on discipline (used to hate the word ;)).

Being at home alone has been quite a challenge, because i some days lack the energy to do anything. I want to change for the better, so actually i'm doing quite good. And I've noticed some interesting things too. I'm wondering whether you recognize some of it.

First of all, i have to admit i have an alcohol addiction or at least don't know how to handle alcohol well. Most of the time when things are going better, i think to myself i can drink a little. But this has turned out into drinking way too much for my own good and brings the depressed feelings back.
I really start to belief that i can actually stop drinking.. it takes courage to take up this challenge, but what the hack.. have been off weed for more than 7 months now!

And second, when i masturbate, i feel bad afterwards. Not so much the moments after (like feeling shame or something, which is not really present), but like hours after or the day after. When i can handle my sexual craving and resist the temptation to masturbate, i start feeling better by the day. Perhaps its because everything is so sexually charged within, that if i release it by masturbating, i bring out the negative heavy energy as well..

Well long story short.. staying at my brothers place and having a job interview.. hope i can keep myself from stressing out and stay away from the alcohol.

Cheers
Peter
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Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#437666 - 06/10/13 02:34 PM Re: Taking up the challenge [Re: OCN]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello Peter and well done, you are sorting out the reasoning that will lead you to a positive conclusion, you are innocent and suffering with survivor guilt and fears. The relief is palpable in your thoughts, I celebrate that with you!

Our coping mechanisms, alcohol, masturbation, porn, drugs, these all are stress relievers. They provide a large, immediate release for the guilt and fear of the abuse. It is comforting, but it is also a cycle of destruction that keeps playing out in our lives. That you have begun to experience the strength of character in keeping away from drug use is wonderful, isn't it? Soon when you are ready you will begin to feel that you no longer need alcohol nor masturbation for such a release. You have begun to think about processes that calm from inside, inner safety and stability, that is a good thing.

This is wonderful progress Peter! Now, it will happen as you may know, you will most likely slip, you may turn again to coping mechanisms that you have discarded. Please do not be discouraged, but be thankful that you have a process in place that again can lead you up an away from unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Thank you for sharing, here is a topic about how our search for support and intimacy has been toxically bound to controlling sexual feelings. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...7516#Post407516

Sam
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#437669 - 06/10/13 03:20 PM ! [Re: OCN]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:27 PM)

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#437789 - 06/11/13 01:00 PM Re: Taking up the challenge [Re: SamV]
OCN Online   content


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
Originally Posted By: SamV
Hello Peter and well done, you are sorting out the reasoning that will lead you to a positive conclusion, you are innocent and suffering with survivor guilt and fears. The relief is palpable in your thoughts, I celebrate that with you!

Jeah.. i'm starting to realize that i can really accept the past and instead of dismissing it i've started changing the now. So i learn to deal with the feelings of guilt and shame better every day!

Originally Posted By: SamV
Our coping mechanisms, alcohol, masturbation, porn, drugs, these all are stress relievers. They provide a large, immediate release for the guilt and fear of the abuse. It is comforting, but it is also a cycle of destruction that keeps playing out in our lives. That you have begun to experience the strength of character in keeping away from drug use is wonderful, isn't it? Soon when you are ready you will begin to feel that you no longer need alcohol nor masturbation for such a release. You have begun to think about processes that calm from inside, inner safety and stability, that is a good thing.

I agree. And good thing to point out strength of character. Wonderful thing to highlight! I'm really learning to see the strength in me. And reading all the topics in which openness is welcomed as strength, has made me realize this whole episode is helping me to improve my quality of life (takes time, but after all these years of reading spiritual books i've only started meditating after i found out about the abuse).
So indeed its about the calm from inside, finding that place inside where i can just be and energize myself again.

Originally Posted By: SamV
This is wonderful progress Peter! Now, it will happen as you may know, you will most likely slip, you may turn again to coping mechanisms that you have discarded. Please do not be discouraged, but be thankful that you have a process in place that again can lead you up an away from unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Jeah i know.. my therapist told me its going to be a few ups and then downs again, and so far it has been. But i can help myself by stop putting extra gasoline on the fire and let the process burn by itself. I'm starting to accept i dont control the time it will take, but i can control how i respond to the process and that gives a lot of inner confidence to move on (and trying new things).

Originally Posted By: SamV
Thank you for sharing, here is a topic about how our search for support and intimacy has been toxically bound to controlling sexual feelings. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...7516#Post407516

Sam

Cheers Sam! Thank you for your kind response! Really helps a lot to get good feedback. I'll be sure to check out the topic. Cause i know i have difficulties with intimacy, while still searching for it in a way..

Peter
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Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#437793 - 06/11/13 01:10 PM Re: Taking up the challenge [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
OCN Online   content


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
Some food for thought.

Here's what Jocelyn Elders has said about masturbation: 80-90% of men masturbate, 70-80% of women masturbate, and the rest lie.

She also said that when a person masturbated they knew they were having sex with somebody they loved.

That last sentence is interesting. Took me some time to get the clue, but i can understand now.
I'm trying to find some kind of healthy balance, cause i know sexuality is such a big trigger. I know its not really bad for me, but i dont want to think about my dick all the time either. So i might try to stop myself from masturbation for extended periods of time. See whether it helps.

Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
As for alcohol, staying sober is a real challenge. I will be dry for three years this Halloween, but it's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Great work Bro! I know it will improve my life in so many ways. If i ever consider getting serious with a spiritual practice, it would also be best for me to be sober. So in a way, it was good fun for the last 15 years but now its time to take it all to a next level. And that takes time, i know.. but i'm feeling that my confidence in me really getting and being sober is growing by the day

Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
Finally, about staying at your brother's place. I don't know about your situation so I can only speak from general experience, but staying with family can be extremely triggering. Do you think he might try something with you? Are there any concerns that you might feel unsafe?

Please take care.

I'm 100% sure he won't try something with me. He did it once when he was 15, after that never again.
But i agree it can be triggering. I don't think he can truely understand what i've been going through the last months.
So far i'm feeling fine with the idea, so hopefully there's no stress tomorrow when i go and visit him. I was thinking to leave late at the day so i don't have to spend too much time at his place, but i don't want to avoid him for the rest of my life either.
Our relationship will have to be restored to a more normal one. But to me the most important is that i stop looking up to him the way i did and start seeing him for what he is: my brother. And that he did something stupid/terrible, thats a thing i'll have to deal with myself. What he'll do with it, is not up to me (though i adviced him to see a therapist himself too).

So i'm feeling pretty confident, but i'm also thinking about some precaution. I hope it will all turn out normal, so that i can focus on the job interview..

We'll see!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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