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#437247 - 06/07/13 12:25 PM Cloudy skies...
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
When I think of my screen name I think of a majestic waterfall high in the sky reaching the clouds, water pouring down, trees all around, a beautiful sight. In fact it makes me think of a particular picture I saw at my friends house. The most beautiful picture I'd ever seen, quite literally, it just made me feel peaceful.

But right now all I see are cloudy skies. Dreadfully awful, like a storm is in the distance, always always in the distance. In anticipation of it coming but never quite reaching, no relaxing, always dreading. I'm feeling horrible lately. Absolutely horrible. Always just fucking horrible. Hopeless, futureless, flailing in no direction, confused and lonely even with friends. No matter what, I'm always anticipating "the storm". Probably why I'm so anxious all the time, also probably why I can't enjoy anything while it lasts. I don't know what to do, I just want to not feel so horrible. I want to relax.

I wish I could write words that would somehow in turn lead to a procession of events that would lead to me being not so horrible, or maybe if not that I could comfort someone else in any way possible, but my words always seem repetitive and yieldless. I've probably written much the same thing many times, hopelessly reaching for the right words each time, rewording, rephrasing. But the message remains the same. I am hopeless, I am in despair, I feel lost within my own skin, I feel worthless, I feel many many different forms of pain, physical and emotional. I want it to go away. I want to know I'll be okay. I want life to be worth living, not just surviving.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#437337 - 06/07/13 07:44 PM Re: Cloudy skies... [Re: CloudyFalls]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1146
Loc: The ATL

Hi CF. I know that sometimes no words can adequately describe the pain we are feeling. There are times when trying to explain your inner torment to people feels like trying to explain the color blue to a person who's been blind since birth. There is no way you could ever describe it adequately. There are no words that can truly tell others what it really is. I know that. However, when you are speaking to people here, people like myself, you are speaking to people who know what it feels like to have that indescribable pain, torment, emptiness and hopelessness inside. We have seen that color before. We know what it looks like and we know what it feels like. So, even though you may feel like your words could not possibly be adequate to describe your thoughts and feelings at times, it's ok. They don't have to be. We know.

Hang in there buddy. Just keep sharing and keep talking to us. If you want a life worth living some day, you have to survive first. You have to survive this horrible phase of your life and you will! Don't give up hope. Survive this day and tomorrow you will survive another. The life worth living is out there. I can't tell you which direction it's in but it's out there. You just have to survive long enough to get to it. Keep going. Keep sharing. Take care of yourself. Peace,

Ken

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#437350 - 06/07/13 09:20 PM @ [Re: CloudyFalls]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
@


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:23 PM)

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#437926 - 06/12/13 12:13 PM Re: Cloudy skies... [Re: CloudyFalls]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 185
Loc: Puget Sound
I think a lot of the pain is from our mourning for ourselves, no matter what we are the only ones who know what was killed in us; we mourn the loss of our young selves which is made worse because for some of us we never knew who “little_insert name” was or would be. It’s not enough to accept the evil actions of others towards us, we have to let go of us, no matter how hard we try the little boy inside us is us but he is gone. We are left alone to mourn something some of us never had; we want most what we cannot have. There is another way though, a different way, something to honor yourself, your young self, and you today, you are here because of him, he did what he needed to do to survive, but he became you, twisted but you, you can’t turn back the clock you can’t change the past, but you can honor him every day by just keep on keepin on, the pain the anguish he endured, everything just so tomorrow you can get up and see the sun. I know that these are just words on a page, that they are meaningless and useless, just that what other way is there? To stay in a place of misery by your own choosing seems pretty banal to me, it’s the self-hate holding you back, step back and realize you are the key, no one can change your mind, no one can just make it all go away, You can! You can do anything, you have the power to change you, to make yourself into what you see yourself as not as some filth your abuser made you think you were, you are this magnificent person, this “Cloudy Falls”, this beautiful person high in the sky a beacon of hope, of perfection, it’s in you!

Chris
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#437962 - 06/12/13 05:11 PM ! [Re: cosmos]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 07:34 PM)

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