I need some wisdom, bros. I need to hear, "stop this shytt!" or "yeah, it probably did", or "the probability is really high that it did happen. You were not just fondled, but also raped."
But I need to hear. It's the oddest of odd feelings. I'm not feeling down... so strange.. not down at all... just crying because I am upset for that tiny little boy. Its as if I am ready now, after 5 decades for the truth to come forward in my memories. I may be ready with the first scene of my abusive life for the first time in my life. This is so confusing. Such a confusing state of being right now.
I totally get it.
I remember lots and lots of abstract things from my early childhood, and desire greatly to know chapter and verse of my abuse and incest.
I remember sketchy things about my past. I remember rape in the shower. I remember my father loosing his temper and beating us in fits of rage. I remember embarrassment and shaming. I remember extreme family dysfunctional behaviors. Children allowed access to alcohol at very early ages. I got drunk with my dad before I was able to produce sperm/semen. (Oh by the way, what kind of kid remembers and counts other events by "when I could cum"???) I don't remember specific sexual acts with my father, but I know exactly what his penis and testicles look like.
Looking back I knew that some things were very very wrong:
Brothers encouraged to bathe together. Sleeping nude was encouraged, made to share a bedroom in spite of enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own.
Fathers that are healthy don't show their children their genitals.
These are the things I don't remember that I think happened but can't prove:
1) Older brother given pornography and free access to alcohol.
2) Sexually Violated by Father
3) Sexually Violated by Older Brother
4) Everyone knew it but pretended it wasn't happening.
5) Father encouraged and enabled sexual violations
6) Father favored older brother whom may have been his primary victim.
Things that make it very hard to decipher:
1) I have never "remembered" anything. I still have same memories I always have had.
2) I was so young when the bad shit started that I didn't know it was bad and didn't always remember it unless I did it wrong and got beaten.
3) When I was fourteen the Organist at the church was molesting me. A church warden saw him & me and told my parents who used ineffective action to end it and protect me. Convinced that it wasn't bad enough to rate more of a response I began embellishing it. My lies became ridiculous and no one believed me. (This was particularly shaming)
ThisMan, Years of counseling have taught me that my pain is real. It exists right here, not forty years ago. Obsessing over what my dad did or didn't do is not helping, because he damn sure won't tell me the truth! Neither will any other member of my family, they closed ranks against me long years ago and still prop up the sick and dysfunctional family system.
I try really hard to forget about obsessing over the mechanics of my incest and CSA, in reality we all suffer similarly regardless of those mechanics.
Remembering exact moments and numbers of violations isn't necessary to know that what happened was fucking wrong. It was wrong...they hurt you and it damn sure shouldn't have happened. But how does it impact my life and yours today? What do I get out of recovery? What does my T hope to accomplish if I go for six months or a year or more?
I refuse to believe that the KEY to my recovery lies with my hazy memory. It has to lie with my current behaviors. What are the reasons I go to T?
1) to live and not die. (check..still alive)
2) to accept that I was the victim of incest. (check...yep it happened)
3) to identify my wreaked value system and change my thoughts. (NOPE not worthless....Successful Geoff and not depressed Geoff)
None of these things require my family to do ANYTHING.
That is a very good thing because their track record was to fuck me.