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#435643 - 05/24/13 05:32 AM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Genedebs, for me it is rather different. I just find I will meet people, at a department event, a performance I'm involved in whatever. people will talk to me at that event, I'll generally get on well with people and usually within a comparatively short time people will be telling me things they don't usually tell to others. I respond, I try to be helpful, and if this warrents offering a similar experience of my own (at least up to within certain limits), I'll do that.

This goes on for however long I'm involved with that group of people, however nobody will ever want to hang around with me afterwards. If I try to initiate some further contact, if I get someone's phone number and ring them or arrange to go out for drinks, the same thing happens, we have an in depth conversation, I learn everyone's problems and "oh yeah, we'll have to do this again some time!" and that is it, and the more I contact someone, the more I feel myself that I'm putting on them.

Maybe it's because I can't dance and all my interactions actually involve conversation rather than just getting drunk and jerking about as most interactions and "good times" of people my age seem to I don't know.

Either way, I'm getting sick of being the one who people meet, unload their problems on and then leave, but there's nothing really I can do about this.

I don't know what has happened to me, or whether it's others, back in that one magical first year of university where everything seemed to be going right I made several really good friends who are still my friends now, but as has recently been shown even when i think! I've got to grips with things I haven't.

As to isolation and s/x, well genophobia mens that for me even the idea of s/x without emotional connection is pretty disgusting. I can imagine a communicative experience with another person, that is both physical, emotional and to an extent spiritual, but desire for that sort of communication with another person has brought me nothing but pain, though I am begining to realize that even normal friendship with anyone who wasn't previously my friend has been something I've not achieved for years, and while my own riends from that one good year are people who are now as close as brothers and sisters, (three in particular), it's a little difficult when I only speak to them by arrangement, not the least because they're all now hapily married after several relationships (god I hate weddings).

Ultimately I'll just have to live without.

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#435661 - 05/24/13 02:56 PM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 440
Loc: USA
Hi Pero, I get the isolation feeling, am tired too of being alone so much all day every day. It's not a sexual thing for me as I don't play or get played anymore. My T asked me what I think sex is and I think it's something you do for someone else, that's all I know really as it's all I've experienced...but we are working on that.

So now I'm getting out of the house and doing volunteer stuff, till I can find a job and get back to school. It helps a lot for me as I don't look at people I meet now as possible partners, since I've learned hooking up is an empty experience. With that out of my mind, I find common interests. I know too we have to be careful how much we let people unload on us. Anomolus tought me that. I like to help others when I can, like you do, but we have our emotional limits there too and have to cut it off, make the conversation about something that is mutually exciting and not sad. I'm practicing doing that and making eye contact too, and getting more friends along the way.

Thank you to for everything you have done for me. The only thing I can do is pay it forward or talk if you need to, and you can send me a message.

Praying for you Brother!
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#435663 - 05/24/13 03:25 PM Re: Combating isolation [Re: dark empathy]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3545
Loc: O Kanada
i totally get what you are saying, dark empathy.
it is like my life has been a long series of intense intimate conversations with a string of strangers.

i just can't do the small talk.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435728 - 05/25/13 03:36 AM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi victor.

To be honest you probably have! made small talk and not realized it. For me, however much I begin my acquaintance with someone discussing films, whatever event we're at, careers, mutual interests, music, (which given my interest in singing tends to be a wide area), places we've visited or whatever, the other person will sooner or later turn this into a conversation about their emotions, about their depression and troubles with jobs, about how they have had a series of bad partners, how they regret their mariage, how they've been devoted to someone but cheated on by them, how they're no longer communicating with their current partner, just to give some examples of one's I've had this year.

I thought things were improving at my last production, since despite a lot of those conversations I got people spending time with me when not rehearsing, and I helped several people out with music (I even gave several people a hug and did more in terms of touch than I've ever done), but as usual we've finished and that's that.

It almost pisses me off the way girls will talk to me about mistreatment by their current other halves. I know I myself am a long way from perfect, but certainly a lot of the things I hear people mention are things I'd never conceive myself of doing, yet who is the one women are never interested in being closer to?

And even with guys, why do I so often get the "I've never thought" speech, after someone has told me about their current problems, then said guy doesn't bother knowing me later.

At least for me it doesn't seem to be small talk that is the problem, just other people who seem to assume that I'm their personal therapist, meet up for a few appointments and leave.

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#435735 - 05/25/13 05:17 AM Re: Combating isolation [Re: BuffaloCO]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Buffalo,
you made very nice and encouraging post. The warmest thanks for sharing it and your prayers!
I'm taking this topic as sort of homework, I'm thinking about it from time to time and thinking on next step. It is very helpful seeing other survivors with their coping skills in battling isolation and being brave to share it...

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#436276 - 05/30/13 12:38 AM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
I want to share with you guys some wonderfully writings about isolation from one book.
It is possible (but difficult) to confront and ultimately overcome isolation:
- Remember that the pattern of isolation was established early and has been in place for a long time. Things won't change overnight. It takes time to recognize an unlearn a long-standing practice, replacing it with healthier behavior takes even longer.
- Proceed slowly and carefully. Be aware of your emotions throughout the process, feel them, and talk about them. You will feel the change as you progress from isolation to inclusion.
- There is more to overcome isolation than breaking the silence and ending secrecy, but these are important steps toward this goal. Telling your story, again and again, to people who want to hear it, helps to heal the shame that kept you isolated.
- Some manifestation of isolation are subtle. You may discover that certain behaviors that appear to be social are facades that keep you hidden from others. The more you step out of isolation, the more you'll notice the subtleties. Try not to be discouraged. This is sign of progress not a setback.
- Not all solitude is isolation. Time spent alone can offer welcome, restorative freedom from life's pressures. Meditation, prayer, reading, writing, dreaming, and hobbies are among healthy activities that can be practiced in solitude. But the benefits form living solitude are not the same as leading a solitary existence.
- Just as not all solitude is isolation, not all isolation occurs in solitude. It is painful and confusing to be in the company of others and still feel alone. If this happen to you try to remember that these are just feelings and do not reflect reality. It is residue of old hurts. You are working your way out of isolation, it will be while before you are comfortable with your new surroundings. Every social interaction is an opportunity to practice defiance of old abuse-based messages.
- There will be times when you feel helpless to change your situation. This is natural and only a temporary condition. When it happens, remind yourself that you don't have to get it right every time. You don't have to be perfect, only human.

Isolation contributes to making abuse possible, perpetuating it, and inhibiting recovery. Abuse is committed in isolation, recovery takes place in the company of others. There are many forms of isolation, and myriad ways isolation can be confronted and ultimately overcome. Whenever you share your story, join a group, practice in a workshop, attend a party, take a class, have a chat, or even smile at someone, you are healing old wounds. Each time you risk interacting with another person, face-to-face, by phone, letter or email, you make progress toward ending your isolation. Every bit of social intimacy, however slight, is a victory. Remember your victories. Remind yourself that they are genuine and important. Come out and play. You can do it; you are well on your way.
_________________________
My story

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#436286 - 05/30/13 08:00 AM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Good positive advice, but what about everyone else?

I've done at least attempted that process many, many times but it still goes no where. What is the point of going to a party if I'm equally alone? or if I'm just the guy someone has the conversation withdescribing all of their problems then never speaks to again?

I don't even know what inclusion means anymore. I thought I was finding out earlier this year, but once again I've been proved wrong, because however well things seem to be going, other people just don't hold up their end of the bargain.

Sorry, this is a bad day.

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#436338 - 05/30/13 04:58 PM Re: Combating isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:43 PM)

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