"past couple years it's been the ways she totally fucked up any chance I'd have for intimacy, solid career moves, etc." Ditto.
I started becoming aware of her shortcomings much earlier on as well, but it has only been in the last few years (this is actually what brought me here to MS) since I realized the emotionally incestuous relationship she had with me.
She told me when I was 4 or 5 that she had thought of giving me up for adoption
When putting me on a plane by myself (in the 70s), she told me the flight stewardess was my aunt
These are things I have remembered all along, and knew they were wrong.
When I watch mothers with their children and the engagement they provide them, I am often surprised by what I witness. My mom gave me almost none of that attention.
And by the time I was 12, hitting puberty, and had become very angry for simply being alive (and disabled) - she said that I just had an axe to grind against her. So it was my fault that I had emotional issues, and she made herself the victim of my emotional wreakage.
It's only been in the last couple of years that I have been coming to grips with the fact that my mom never gave me *any* socialization, never taught me how to play well with others or how to stand up for myself or how to value myself or how to simply live life. She ignored me.
A few posts here in the last few days have brought all that back to the forefront of my awareness. My mom was at fault for making me the ugly creature I became. My mom was at fault for not giving me tools to be sociable. My mom was at fault for crippling my ability to be intimate with another human being.
I've been single for my entire fucking life, I've never been in love, and I've never had a healthy good relationship that I was ever satisfied with. I've been lonely all of my fucking life and my life has been pretty meaningless and pointless as a result.
It's hard to not become angry thinking about this; I misunderstood this anger and was angry for being alive and for having disabilities. My therapist helped me to see a couple weeks ago that the anger was misdirected; if I had had parents that taught me how to accept myself, with disabilities and all, much of the other anguish that came over the last 20 years could have been avoided.
Now, at 41, with half my life gone, wondering what the hell the point is, I know it is my responsibility to accept all this, and it is nothing but a bitter pill to swallow.
I've begged and cried and screamed and dreamed to have at least someone in my life who loved me unconditionally for who I was. I never even got that.
Sorry. I didn't mean to get back on the pity pot in the middle of this - but this is what happens when I gain a little insight/flash of awareness about how screwed my life has been because of the severe neglect (on top of the bullying, and abuse, and the CSA).
Edited by Magellan (05/16/13 11:18 AM)
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.
Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM