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#434508 - 05/12/13 04:03 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey Toddop, My dad sold me to a child porn ring when I was 5.5, but the memories did not begin until I was in my late 40's.
When I get hit with a memory, I feel the exact feeling I felt then - self lothing, anxiety, powerlessness. After the moment passes, I feel nothing. About a week later comes the rage and resentment for about a week followed by tears and grief for months.

I too wet the bed untill I was 9. Flunked 2nd grade. Had psychosomatic illnesses - couldn't walk, in fourth grade. Oddly enough, I also cannot join other guys in those troph urnals. My anxiety increases with just the thought of having to use a public restroom that has few toilets.

My biggest problem was years of repeating sexual abuse through fantasy and masterbation. It took a 12 step group to finally get that under control.

I also tried to find some evidence of the sexual abuse, but it was the mid 60's and impossible to find. I was advised on this site not to go looking for it and despite how I feel, it's good advice.

I wish I could just get the memories over and done with, but I guess that is just how powerful the mind is to protect itself from man's cruelty to man.

Mac

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#434530 - 05/12/13 10:27 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 226
Loc: California
Mac,
Sorry to hear about your story, that sounds really awful. I'm so glad you are here and working through it. That's what we have to hold on to.

I hear you on the memories. I do the exact same thing. If I feel in any way in the spotlight, I start feeling like that abused boy under the lights. It is horrible. This happens all the time with sex and any time I release. I feel like I am back in front of the camera. The worst is flashbacks of all the trash talk when I was being abused. To this day, I can't stand dirty talk in bed. It is so triggering.

I have thought about joining a 12 Step. I think SIA is one that I could go to, and there is a local chapter. I have been sitting on that one, so maybe it's time to jump over that fence.

I am still trying to work out and clarify my memories. I blocked so much out, and just remember enough to know what happened. I really want to remember a bit more, but I guess that comes on it's own schedule, not on mine. My T says when I am really strong around these issues, I may remember more.

Good luck to you on your journey forward, Mac.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#434543 - 05/13/13 03:13 AM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 271
Loc: Germany
Hey Toddop,

again, much of what you've written just now also applies to me. It is really difficult to deal with triggers, and of course they come out during sexual times, as all of us here experienced abuse that was sexual in nature. For me, certain phrases, acts, words, accents, porn, and even the look of certain men triggers me. It's like our minds have been programmed and imprinted by our abuse, and now we need to work counter-intuitively to override our triggers and not let them control our lives.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#434595 - 05/13/13 09:07 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 226
Loc: California
Hey JayBro,
Yeah, I agree with you and have been thinking the same thing. I gotta re-program and not feed into the negativity of it all. I just was thinking today it is not healthy for you or your inner child to keep reading and immersing yourself in that world and in these emotions. I'm trying to get back on top of the wave, rather than getting pulled under it. I'm getting there, but it is painful. This exchange really helps in so many ways!
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#434597 - 05/13/13 09:11 PM Re: Dealing with child pornography/CSA **Trigger** [Re: toddop]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 271
Loc: Germany
HUGS You're going to be okay! And you can always contact me, because I am living the same thoughts and feelings you are!!
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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