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#432862 - 04/29/13 01:24 PM Looking for Advice - Sex Many Years Later
RN Offline


Registered: 04/28/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Northeast
Hi. Wanted to see if others have bumped into this situation and what they've done about it.

Here's my Question: Have others had an early adult experience (it was wrong and I'm shameful) but then later find yourself seeking out what happened to you?

When I was about to graduate from college, I got to know a much older professor, one who was widely respected in the university. I went to his second house on the beach with a classmate; we ate, drank and talk for 2 days. But then the friend left and it was the professor and me. The next morning (just the two of us), he asked me to pose for some art work/photos he was working on; had said that other guys I knew had posed.I didn't want to rock the boat so did so. He wanted me to wear very skimpy swim shorts that were more silk than polyester. He photographed, adjusted me and so on most of the day, on an off. That night, he moved into the room I was in. When the lights were off, he came over to my bed and hugged me, pulled down the sheets and slowly took off my underwear. I was in shock and didn't move...WAS JUST FROZEN. He turned me over and gave me a handjob. The next day was the same...photos, posing, bed and then the handjob moved to a blowjob. This continued for many days and not a word was said.

Subsequent to those 2-3 weeks, I rarely saw him but worked to have sex with as many women as possible for long afterward. I got married, many years went by and I was involved in many events that led to a very strong case of PTSD. Eventually, I divorced, at at the same time, my work life became very tough.

Here's the issue and request for advice. After separating, I had this strong fantasy of find an "older guy" and get and handjob from him while I wore panties. This in fact happened and went on for years. Each guy would look somewhat like the professor and it went from massages and handjobs to blowjobs. This gradually more complex and deeper levels of sex (with marijuana) went on for years. I eventually got the right medications and the right job to reduce/manage my stress and PTSD.

Have others had an early adult experience (it was wrong and I'm shameful) but then later find yourself seeking out what happened to you?

Thanks...RN

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#432867 - 04/29/13 01:58 PM Re: Looking for Advice - Sex Many Years Later [Re: RN]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Hello RN,

Yes, that's normal - well, "normal" - for sexual abuse survivors. Seeking out actual or virtual (ie porn) re-enactments of what was traumatically forced upon you is a way for the mind to feel like it is regaining control of events - that nothing will be a surprise now, it will happen / look like according to what you want and end when you want. I don't think I've ever seen someone here say "No, I've never even THOUGHT about re-creating the abuse on my own timing and terms."

Because EVERYBODY HAS. Myself certainly included; I'm a devoted user of porn depicting what was done to me.

You surely have many confusing and frightening emotions to deal with, but you are by no means alone in this. I think you'll find here that a lot of the aftereffects you've suffered are quite common.

That doesn't necessarily mean they're HEALTHY - not when it involves overwhelmingly intrusive thoughts, high-risk behavior, breaking up families. But yes, that is where it came from and pretty much all survivors deal with it to some degree.

Brains are complicated things.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#432873 - 04/29/13 02:28 PM Re: Looking for Advice - Sex Many Years Later [Re: RN]
RN Offline


Registered: 04/28/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Northeast
Matt,

GREAT note. Makes so much sense but the recreation just blew me away; 'why would I do that?"

I'm trying to move away from the porn that was showing exactly what happened...and away from recreating it in actuality.

I just felt like such a loser last week when I did relay the events (initial & recreation) in general terms. Feel a little better now... an do appreciate your kind note.

Sincerely, RN

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#433210 - 05/01/13 10:01 PM Re: Looking for Advice - Sex Many Years Later [Re: RN]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
RN-

the man who had me from 14 thru 17 was 14- 15 yrs older than me. I too married, etc., and when I found myself single again in my later 40s, I had a one-sided relationship with the man who sodomized/raped me while under a medically induced subconscious state.

It wasn't until after I ended the relationship that something occurred to me......... the man was 14- 15 yrs older than me. Without realizing it, I had sought out an abusive male the same age difference as the last of my childhood perps. Now how fuckin' off the wall is that. And the latter has caused as much pain as the previous ones. So no, you sir, are not alone. I recreated my abuse as well, and it lasted for approximately the same amount of time.

... just one big fuckin embarrassing ouch that has and is reshaping who I am to be.... again.

btw... you are not a loser. In pain, but not a loser.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#433290 - 05/02/13 12:05 PM Re: Looking for Advice - Sex Many Years Later [Re: ThisMan]
RN Offline


Registered: 04/28/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Northeast
Hi. Many thanks for your great reply.

You hit it on the head. The shame associated with what I did LATER, replicate what had happened many years before, is what hurt much more. From what I see from you story is that the pattern does surface again: seek out what happened before.

I do feel a bit better than last week when I told somebody...and the tears came from the recreation.

Can't thank you enough for sharing your story......Many thanks....

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#433298 - 05/02/13 01:13 PM Re: Looking for Advice - Sex Many Years Later [Re: RN]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
Hey, RN.

Glad you are here. MS is a great place for support and understanding and even kindness, something survivors seldom give to themselves. Don't be too hard on yourself, guy. Although you feel alone, please know that there are countless others with similar experiences. By sharing with others who understand, it sometimes helps to lighten the load. Continue to post and ask and respond.

And the tears... well, after all this time I am thankful I am learning to let myself cry. And cry I do. I encourage you to continue to talk about your experience and to "cry as needed"......

Again, welcome.

b


Edited by ThisMan (05/02/13 01:16 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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