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#434908 - 05/17/13 12:16 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3350
Loc: O Kanada
i never wanted to get old, but i always wanted to grow up.
now i turn 52 this year, and i feel like i am 15. sometimes i feel only 5. my body, however, tells me the truth smile
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
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#434929 - 05/17/13 06:08 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: victor-victim]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 330
Loc: Iowa, USA
When I was young, I couldn't wait to grow up. At the age of four, I asked my mom, when would I stop being called a little boy and be called a boy? When would I be called a big boy? That attitude continued. When I was in elementary school, I couldn't wait for junior high. When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to be done so I could go to college. When I was in college, I couldn't wait to be done so I could start working in the proverbial real world. Now, looking back, I regret that sort of mentality. I didn't realize that at each stage of the game, I would have opportunities available to me only when I was in that stage of life. I wish I had enjoyed those moments when they were there, available to be experienced. I'm not pleased with myself for postponing opportunities until I was ready for them, falsely assuming I had the power to control when they would pop up. Those days are gone and exist now only in my memories. There certainly is no going back. It's only been the last few months that I've realized that I've been doing this. I really believe that I used this strategy to cope with my abuse. I would think and act older so I wouldn't have to deal with the memories of my abuse. Since the CSA was associated with specific stages of development, I could focus on what's next so I could forget about what happened in the present.

That approach to life isn't effective anymore. First, I don't want to move onto the next phase yet. It will come regardless of whether I want it to come or not and there's no reason to hurry its arrival. Second, I don't want to live in the past either. I don't want to be one of those guys - a middle aged fogey trying to think cool, act cool and be cool, which in reality would only be thinking like a fool, acting a fool, being a fool. The spoils of a particular decade of life, belong to those in that age group, period. I want to make the most of possibilities that only happen to guys in their 50s. I made it through my 40s. I don't need to relive it. I haven't hit retirement age and I don't want to act like a retired guy until it happens. I want my 50s to be better than my 40s. I know I have wisdom that comes with age and experience. I plan on using it to my advantage.

Obviously, I wish I didn't have to be here as part of MS, but what happened that brought me here, happened, and I need to deal with it. Fortunately, it isn't my whole life, no matter how significant the events and their subsequent consequences. Facing the CSA/ASA has helped me understand myself more completely than I likely would have otherwise. Obviously, there is no way of testing this theory, but believing it is best for me. Knowing myself more completely should not be the goal of self analysis. I must use this knowledge in some manner to make my life better and subsequently to make the world better. Failing to use the new found knowledge of myself and my life would signify the ultimate triumph for my perps. It would confirm that they destroyed me. It would prove that when they were finished with me, they had no further use for me and thus, they tossed me aside, not caring what would happen to me. It's time to show that they had no such power over me. I will rise above their indignities.

I'll never be who I was meant to me, and that realization has resulted in a great deal of agony. Rather than fighting it and wasting a lot of my potential, I'm working on making the most of what's been given me. I may not be looking forward to getting older, but I am looking forward to making each day matter more than ever.

Thanks, DavO

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#434930 - 05/17/13 06:38 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
So, how is it all of you continuous rememberers have this trait that you couldn't wait to grow up, but the two of us on here who have no memories of abuse have the exact opposite trait: we were in perpetual mourning for our childhood as we watched it slip away? We were afraid of growing up. Why are we the opposite of you guys? Does that indicate that we aren't real CSA survivors? That nothing happened to us?

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#434933 - 05/17/13 07:00 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
I sat on the stairs, at 7 years old, with my cassette player, alone, all by myself, made sure no one else was around, singing along to a Righteous Brothers tape- singing "Unchained Melody" to.... my own father. To me it was a love song about how much I loved him. I'd sing it and cry. I had romantic feelings for my own father who...... may have never molested me at all. I fell in love with a bunch of different girls, chased them around on the playground in kindergarten and..... I was also in love with my own father. Yet I didn't want out of this fucked up dynamic. I had a Peter Pan Complex and never wanted to grow up. What kind of a fucking freakshow wannabe incest survivor am I?

He would pick me up after school in 1st grade. I don't remember him ever picking up my older brother with me (he was in 2nd grade). And he'd play that same Righteous Brothers tape in the car. He'd stop at the convenience store every day after I got out of school, and let me get a Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze pie (a green one of those hostess fruit pies, except it was filled with cream). Where was my brother? Why was I picked up alone? Then there's a huge gap in my memory and suddenly I'm coming home with him from 2nd grade (a different school- which I can't remember- only just started to remember what the school looked like) bumping into my friend, Marty, from 1st grade, surprised to see him, cuz I hadn't seen him in a long time. Why is there a gap there? And my brother isn't with me. Why would he pick up only me, and not my older brother? It makes no sense.

It's not like he deprived me of love, either. I remember he took me on a 3 hour trip up from Central Oregon, to Portland, when I was 8. He took me, alone, with him, called me his little buddy (he did this a lot) and we went and saw the movie "Rock-A-Doodle" at the Lloyd Center mall in Portland. He wasn't neglectful of me at all. I wasn't deprived of love. Yet I was in love with him. And later on, when I was at my grandma's house in Phoenix, she rented Rock-A-Doodle, and I was overcome with feelings of sexual compulsion. I acted out on these by sneaking off into a bedroom and putting on diapers she'd kept from when we were little. That's the first time (to my RECOLLECTION) I remember getting an erection. From a GODDAMNED DIAPER!!

What the hell is really wrong with me?!?! No, I didn't look forward to getting older. I wanted to get younger. And then at the age of 10, I developed some kind of twisted desire to be anally raped. I WANTED it. I could feel it inside me. I KNEW what it felt like somehow. It turned me on. That scared me. It scared me so much, and I felt so guilty about it, that I wouldn't let my father be behind me. I JUST KNEW, deep down, all the men around me, my dad, men at church, deep down that they were turned on thinking about raping me, and I had to do everything in my power to keep from putting that thought in their head. I knew if I let them stand behind me, or get alone with me, that I would tempt them to do it.

Really, what kind of twisted, fucked up freak was I?! I felt like a girl. I knew they could see it in my eyes that I felt like a girl, and that I was suppressing arousing thoughts of receiving anal sex from them. WTF?! In my mind, I knew the pleasure from anal sex- both for me, the receiver, and them, the giver- was so completely overwhelming that it was just a no-brainer that these men would do it to me at the drop of a hat, given the right circumstances. And it was up to me to be a good little Christian boy (I officially converted at that age) to prevent those circumstances from happening. To prevent them from even having the thought cross their mind of how good it would feel to have anal sex with me. I'm being brutally honest here and this hurts to admit. What in the fucking hell was the matter with me?! It's much scarier to think I WASN'T incested, and was thinking shit like that. THEN what does that make me? Again, some kind of bizarre wannabe incest victim. Huh? Who had borderline nervous breakdowns at night from the fear of growing up. The fear of my dad dying (much of my OCD rituals were done to prevent this).

My mom found me in bed one day, around the age of 13, crying, unable to move or explain to her why I was so goddamned depressed and.... well just depressed, I guess. I was having a nervous breakdown. To this day I still have no idea what the hell I was crying about and why I couldn't stop. You'd have a nervous breakdown, too, if you carried around all the secrets I did of horrible sexual compulsions and uncontrollable OCD to prevent everyone from dying, but never being able to explain to them they owed you their life. Like a secret agent or something. Defusing invisible bombs everywhere to keep them from dying.



Edited by Life's A Dream (05/17/13 05:19 PM)

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#434934 - 05/17/13 08:03 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Goddamn I really, really hate myself for writing all of that out. I don't know why the fuck I'm even on this site.

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#434935 - 05/17/13 08:30 AM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Similiar memories here LAD, I think you know what you were crying about.

It was well written and you explained yourself very well.

Go easy on yourself man.

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#434981 - 05/17/13 04:17 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: Poorsoft]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3350
Loc: O Kanada
in a way, i did "grow up" when my father disappeared for ten years. a frozen moment. this arrested development caused me to never "grow up". sex and violence made me more than a child.

i already knew what was necessary,
more than enough,
more than i should, in fact.
more than most adults, i figured.
i stopped listening. i stopped learning.

"where the f*&k were you when i really needed help?!" was my answer to any advice.

i am living proof that unsupervised children become feral wild childs. amoral opportunistic chaos adrenaline risk addictive sadistic sneaky angry barbarian. left on my own, i mostly made wrong choices, often willfully, even maliciously. i needed support, guidance, boundaries, discipline, love. i had none of the above.
i felt entitled. i felt rejected.

the bitter taste of being cheated left me in a constant state of plotting revenge on mankind like some cartoon evil character. sad waste of mental resources, but necessary, none the less, in order for me to get beyond who i was, to become who i am.
the mother of all "me"s.

and i do love who i think i am these days.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#434989 - 05/17/13 04:51 PM Re: Did you look forward to 'getting older?' [Re: victor-victim]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
in a way, i did "grow up" when my father disappeared for ten years. a frozen moment. this arrested development caused me to never "grow up". sex and violence made me more than a child.

i already knew what was necessary,
more than enough,
more than i should, in fact.
more than most adults, i figured.
i stopped listening. i stopped learning.

"where the f*&k were you when i really needed help?!" was my answer to any advice.

i am living proof that unsupervised children become feral wild childs. amoral opportunistic chaos adrenaline risk addictive sadistic sneaky angry barbarian. left on my own, i mostly made wrong choices, often willfully, even maliciously. i needed support, guidance, boundaries, discipline, love. i had none of the above.
i felt entitled. i felt rejected.

the bitter taste of being cheated left me in a constant state of plotting revenge on mankind like some cartoon evil character. sad waste of mental resources, but necessary, none the less, in order for me to get beyond who i was, to become who i am.
the mother of all "me"s.

and i do love who i think i am these days.


I like who you are these days

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