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#432685 - 04/28/13 12:01 AM Could the T be projecting biases onto me?
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
How much info is too much info regarding the personal info from your T? As I run through the choices I have for the future, I am wondering if knowing too much of my T's life interferes with MY continued advancement? And also wondering if she is projecting biases onto me. Like the remark she made last week about taking it from both ends...think that was a subtle angry remark projected onto me regarding one of thex-husbands? (there are 3). Or maybe an anti-gay bias? Or the repeated question of "what did you do that helped caused that to happen?" that is causing me to believe she thinks on some level my behavior caused my abuses as I became the older teen and adult. Maybe she is one who thinks males should be able to take care of themselves. When is the line crossed and the client/patient becomes as much a giver as a receiver in the session? Does your therapist share personal situations and info with you and to what degree? And do Ts have unspoken biases that come through with their responses even when they say they don't? Sounds kinda foolish when I read it, but I would like some feedback.

b




Edited by ThisMan (04/28/13 12:08 AM)
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#432687 - 04/28/13 12:32 AM Re: Could the T be projecting biases onto me? [Re: ThisMan]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 550
I think you should be direct and express your concerns clearly. Maybe even read her this post. She's a professional, she should be able to explain her comments. If she can't, then maybe there is a problem.
_________________________
"As long as the child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen . . . all appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless."
-- Alice Miller

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#432695 - 04/28/13 03:11 AM Re: Could the T be projecting biases onto me? [Re: ThisMan]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
The Man, this is interesting theme and topic.
In therapy some transfer and counter transfer is always happening with words or without them.
It is normal and doesn't have to do anything with amount of relieved things by your (client's) side. We communicate on many different levels and just one part is trough talk.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference

I wanted to make comment about other post that you've made about your T but somehow I've changed my mind as lately I have had some problems with my English when trying to discuss something complex, lol. But maybe some short comment I could make here.
Your T made her comment that was rude, it could be said that many of us are somehow doing something against our will, such behaviors have some grounds in theory although it is completely wrong to say it just like that. And above all it is cold and unemphatic how she did it like some terrible bad joke (but I guess she judged you that you could handle it). I've been at one workshop recently for therapists (not for victims of sexual abuse) and there I heard some story about case where client has had getting some unwanted and rude sexual attention from different people around, basically it was explained that there was something in background (or even unconscious) that has been source of such outcome. It wasn't case that client wanted such things to happen but anyhow here and there it has been repeating and it was unpleasant. That is in very short and brief and there were similar examples that didn't include anything sexual...

So your T I guess has chosen very badly her words to say something like that if I'm correct. Personally I see words as terrible medium of communication for us people. It brings attention to our rational parts of our minds and we easily are falling in trap leaving our imagination, associativity and intuition beside. And suddenly some things are looking shallow, straightforward and if it is something negative it can have more than desirable negative effect on us. It could be same case this moment while I'm writing this as again I'm using words as medium to directly forward some message, that could shut imagination and intuition of some readers.
As I learned trough therapy we are working actually on recruiting those our skills and by so expanding our insights and moving our point of view.

Maybe your T has chosen as tactics to directly comment and ask you and by so to give you hints and to bring your attention to some issues that she founds important. In any case it is very good that you are discussing and thinking about it.

Jut my two cents....
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#432696 - 04/28/13 03:20 AM Re: Could the T be projecting biases onto me? [Re: ThisMan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
How much info is too much info regarding the personal info from your T?

Hey ThisMan,

From my experience a therapist may share situations from their own lives which illustrate how they dealt with an issue similar to yours. However, a T should not be just dumping their problems on a client. Likewise they should not be spending a clients time telling about their vacation, their grandchildren, or the date they had last Saturday night.

I still think the "getting it from both ends" comment is over the top and should cause you to seriously consider seeking a different T......and three ex-husbands?!? REALLY?!? Nothing against divorcees, but THREE?!? Maybe thats another red flag about this gal.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#432701 - 04/28/13 06:38 AM Re: Could the T be projecting biases onto me? [Re: ThisMan]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
You already know how I feel about the described behavior of your T. Following up w/Jacob, you've boiled down your concerns quite well and I believe they're worth sharing with the T. Nothing foolish-sounding about it at all. Her comments triggered you. That's a completely valid concern.

Jude, in his usual subtle fashion put it particularly well on another issue: "......and three ex-husbands?!? REALLY?!? Nothing against divorcees, but THREE?!?" That knowledge alone would immediately trigger my gender bias alarms. I'd also ask myself, if she keeps making bad choices, how the hell is she gonna help ME? Together with the "both ends" comment she sounds like - I had to look this up - a misandrist (man-hater) on some level(s). lol...spring THAT term on her.

I'm not as clear about the context of "what did you do that...caused that to happen". In an adult context (not ASA), I get what she may be driving towards. For me, having learned as a teen/CSA survivor that my only value was as a sexual object, I carried that into adult behaviors. In the context of a child, no, I don't get it. Also in that context the question is not just rude, it's outrageous. Like RCC pedos claiming they were somehow seduced by a child.

Again, I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship with her. With that caveat, but that it's really triggered you, I wouldn't even bother with a face-to-face...at this point. I'd make a call to discuss it ("No, I'm not comfortable facing you, we'll do it on the phone or we won't do it."...which should give you a good idea of her empathy level, if any). I had to do it once with a T. Personally, I've found that kind of self-distancing useful since I'm in my home (MY territory), not on her territory, and I can cut the conversation immediately if need be (the Ultimate No..."Very well, then. We're done" *click*). I've learned, too, over the years how to handle myself in the face of intimidating face-to-face confrontations, but it's an acquired skill. I can handle someone's aggressive facial expressions, body language, etc., because having achieved my own version of Kolinahr I can summon all the composure and detachment of Spock. If you're in a place, however, where you're raw and not Vulcan, the more distance the better, imo.

And in case no one's mentioned it to you, we're behind you 110%.

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#432726 - 04/28/13 09:55 AM Re: Could the T be projecting biases onto me? [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
If I knew how to utilize the quote boxes, I would. But I don't. Just a thanks for the responses , the wisdom in the views, and the support. Pero, your wording is terrific and I understand what you wish to communicate and I thank you much. Same for Jacob, Jude, and Lance. And Lance, I am now used to Jude's direct way of expressing himself. Such a subtle man, he is. lol.

I'll keep you posted. All I can say for certain this weekend is that the session really triggered me about me. A strange feeling, indeed.
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#432728 - 04/28/13 10:02 AM Re: Could the T be projecting biases onto me? [Re: ThisMan]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
To help you feel in control of your situation, I think you should start actively searching for a new T, in the event that you decide to jump ship to a new one.

Three ex-husbands is a huge red flag. How can she help anybody with their problems, if she just divorces her's?

You need to take control of this situation. You are the boss; you are in control.

Cant
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Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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