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#431223 - 04/14/13 10:11 AM Teen partying - bad TRIGGERS, worse memories
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Last night upsetting. Went to one of my wife's cousin's Bat Mitzvah. If anyone out there doesn't know, this is a Jewish "coming-of-age" when kids turn 13.

This was the first time since my CSA memories turned real that I had been surrounded by a large number of "thinking-age" kids - have been to many infant / toddler parties but for the most part they are all blank slates, apart from your own of course; you can't imagine an outside life for a 3-year-old. There were probably 150 young adolescents there, all 12-13, the girls dressed in shockingly provocative manner. And I saw all 150 and couldn't help but do math calculations... even if I cut the ratio in half, there would still have been at least 7-8 boys there who'd "gotten it" and far more girls. Tried looking at their faces, to "see," but you can't "see".... but some of them were quieter than others. Does that mean anything? Who knows? Then it announced right on the event program / invitation "Parents, a bus will be available to deliver your children to so-and-so middle school at 1am".

And among folks of the age cohort of my wife & I, all of her cousins who are our age seated at the same table, there was a joke or two about what that meant, because....


TRIGGERS - ADOLESCENT SEXUALITY


...because it is something of an open secret since the late 1990s that the "drive-back bus" is where all the kids hook up and blow each other. This is not some skeeved parent urban legend, I have friends who work catering who know of it, and cousins who by now are in their early 20s I've heard snickering about it at family gatherings too. It wasn't around when my friends and I had our events, but it's infamously there now. It is a post- Bill Clinton thing - not to get political, but there have been reports on just what it meant to publicly say from the highest levels that oral sex isn't really sex. I watched the boys swaggering around and unmistakeably ogling the girls, and the dance music was very suggestive too - "Sexy And I Know It," "Call Me Maybe," etc.

I am not a prude by any means and see nothing wrong with teenagers having healthy safe sexuality. But the fact that there were equally hundreds of ADULTS in the room giving a wink-and-nod, and the actual bus parked outside, really gave me the creeps. It felt like a very wrong "vibe," and I couldn't help but think, "what if one of them, just one of them, doesn't want it?"

And then I felt bad for judging them, because maybe this is normal sexuality now, and when I was 13 I was baffled and afraid of sexuality because I was so confused by my desires for both genders, because the very first time I was able to ejaculate I thought I was horribly dirty and that I had actually turned into a different person and that my parents would DEFINITELY be able to tell something was different about me.

And because at 13 I had my mandatory ritual multiple times per week of having to


HEAVIER TRIGGERS - POSSIBLE PEER CSA


strip down and press against the boy down the street, press side-by-side shoulder to ankle like Siamese twins, hear his nonstop commentary about how much bigger his dick was than mine (I didn't grow fullsized until after the stuff with him stopped) and of course not be able to deny it because our dicks were never more than a foot and a half apart, hundreds / thousands? of times, from 11 or 12 to 15, until the last of the bullies had graduated, until then I had to do anything to keep him happy and on my side so he'd still be my bodyguard. I have mentioned this on these boards once before, sort of hadn't intended to at the time, CERTAINLY never intended to go into more detail later on, but here it is. I had to j/o right alongside him whenever he asked, sometimes multiple times per day, and of course I loved the porn, but even then there was a gross undertone because I would try to keep myself going as long as possible so I could focus on the porn and my own feelings, because it was worst of all if I finished before him because then I'd just be sitting there "fully aware" and feeling all his bouncing, etc., trying to pretend something else was happening other than what was. Had to sleep like that with him, on the pull-out bed in his porno cave of a basement, quite a few times, under the same blanket, him still all over me side-to-side, smelling his cum, having him flash me just for, I don't know, whatever reason he felt like.

And at 13 I already knew if he just said a word I would have no choice but to give him oral or whatever. He called me a faggot. A fag. He said I was gay. That I must like seeing his dick so much because I was a fag (even though it was ALWAYS HIS IDEA!). He was my "friend" and he protected me during lunch and on the school bus and it was always HIS demand that we get naked together but as far as he was concerned I was a fag, to always be called a fag, that I would have boyfriends one day because I was a fag, that I'd have sex with men one day because I was a fag, even as we were both sitting there watching and using straight porn. It was "just teasing" and I guess I'd tease him back, but it was nonstop, it even went beyond his naked rituals. And I couldn't tease him back too much, could never get him mad, couldn't risk doing anything that would make him stop protecting me. One time and only one I refused to sleep with him, I wanted my own bed in another room and a little privacy to j/o, and he got so visibly furious and verbally abusive, that I was doing it "the wrong way," I never dared disobey again. Those were the fears that I lived with and how I dealt with them.

The more time I spend around cousins and relatives and kids-of-friends who are that age now the more wrong and horribly filthy it feels. I never felt really bad about it at the time. To keep a bigger kid between me and the bully wolfpack that was seriously terrorizing me and seemingly trying to kill me or drive me to s**c*d*, I'd do anything to keep that arrangement going and be glad for the results. Just so they couldn't get me again, just not to be beaten again, not again, not as bad as they would do it, making me cry in front of dozens of other kids, the way they would grab me and drag me places to beat me, or grab me and "hold me prisoner" and describe how bad they were going to hurt me but then not do anything, just to see me in terror, see me cry, and then let me go and laugh. Or the time they threw me down a staircase. Nobody knew what I was doing for protection, everybody just assumed this kid was my friend and as far as I was concerned during all those years he was.

But I wasn't the only person he behaved inappropriately with. He engaged in very similar behavior with many other boys, and with some of them it persisted much longer than with me. He once sexually molested his younger brother in front of me, I think just to have an audience for a change for the "game" that he boasted they often "played." During, younger brother alternated between anger at older brother, and shooting angry glances at me, and just lying there with a neutral expressionless stare on his face as his big brother, my "friend," used him. I didn't do anything, what would a 12-year-old know to do? And when he was 18 or 19 he violently raped his girlfriend, and then he forwarded me the emails she'd sent to him, her destroyed persona about how she didn't know how she could go on with life and couldn't understand how someone she thought cared about her could hurt her so bad, could have seen her hurting but kept going, how his hands could have hurt her and how he'd ignored her begging and screaming..... he forwarded those emails on to me, like it was a JOKE that he wanted to share. So he without a doubt had sexually dangerous potential in him and after all the time I spent around him in a state of enforced nudity I feel more and more lucky, and chilled and disturbed all at once, that he never did make a more involved demand of me, or that he didn't just rape me or whatever.

So last night surrounded by all these oversexed 'tween boys yesterday I was like "did I look like that? Was I that height when I had to go along with that? I was still able to smile and play games at parties, with that going on?" I felt horrible, it was so much more disturbing than it used to be.

I have never even told my T about this and have actually never said it out loud. My wife knows I at one time had a friend who raped his girlfriend, that's the most of the existence of this matter I have ever spoken to another living soul and I think it's as much as I can ever say out loud because it feels so damn dirty.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#431224 - 04/14/13 10:26 AM Re: Teen partying - bad TRIGGERS, worse memories [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3198
Loc: back in the USA
i am so sorry, Matt.

i understand - i'd have done the same to get protection from the bullies. instead i got the bullies doing similar things to me. i guess it all turned out pretty much the same.

that always drove me crazy too - how could i be the queer one - as they insisted - when they were the ones doing all the pervy stuff to me?

i hope being able to tell the story in more detail helps you.

and - of course - it wasn't your fault.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#431231 - 04/14/13 12:04 PM Re: Teen partying - bad TRIGGERS, worse memories [Re: SoccerStar]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
Matt, thanks for sharing and I also am so sorry your friend betrayed you. That's why we are called survivors. You did nothing wrong, you survived.

On a side note, the friend of mine who hurt me in mid age laughed on occasion about "sexual escapades" throughout his life that raised my eyebrows in quiet concern. I couldn't believe that as an adult I had openly permitted them into my life and heart and that they would #1) openly share and brag... as your friend did with the emails... about sexual dominance #2) sexually force themselves, etc., or sexually hurt another (even with my history of CSA). It was out of the realm of my grown-up social sphere.

And then he found me incapacitated and did me. What a story that must have been in one of his dark circles. I mention that to say simply that my best guess as just a guy is your friend, and my former friend, have sexually assaulted and raped multiple people throughout the years. Multiple. It isn't a one time thing for them. And as a reminder, it wasn't your fault and your former friend proved he was and is a sexual predator.

My best guy and I am glad we have MS to safely share our secrets. Angels.


Edited by ThisMan (04/14/13 12:09 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#457278 - 12/23/13 02:49 PM Re: Teen partying - bad TRIGGERS, worse memories [Re: SoccerStar]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 135
Loc: Virginia
Hi Matt,

I'm glad you posted your story, and so sorry to know this is what you went through. I hope getting it out there helps with healing from it. I'm with you and Lee-- I would have done whatever I needed to do in that situation to avoid getting bullied. It wasn't your fault. You had to survive somehow.

I don't understand the "queer" thing either-- if we're the "queer" ones (sorry for sounding pejorative,) why is that THEY were the ones who started it and made it continue?

Hang in there.

Bob

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#457285 - 12/23/13 05:26 PM Re: Teen partying - bad TRIGGERS, worse memories [Re: SoccerStar]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 107
Loc: NY metro
I think your Spidey sense was right, you know better than most of those unknowing parents that were there what can happen.

Kids today are highly sexualized, anyone with internet access can access the hardest of porn, chatrooms, hookups, etc.. kids too. A lot of kids are being raised a good part by Hollywood & the internet with all the morals of ally cats.

Ignorance is bliss, over sexualization being normal is leaving kids vulnerable to things they aren't ready to deal with as immature 12-13 year olds, broken hearts, VDs, pregnancy, abuse, blackmail, reputations.

Sex with no consequence does have consequences, look at the state of marriage and children being born out of wedlock, broken homes, etc.. The sexual revolution has brought us to this point, when anything goes, anything will go.

It's up to the parents to raise their kids in a safe atmosphere, teach them morals, be there involved to guide them. Keep them away from the trash.

I would've felt like you did seeing kids & parents acting like that.

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#457419 - 12/26/13 08:21 AM Re: Teen partying - bad TRIGGERS, worse memories [Re: SoccerStar]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 185
Loc: Western Europe
Thnx for sharing Matt.. what a story..

As said above, you did nothing wrong! Every child would choose protection over getting bullied.. how can a 12 year old know what is normal?

I also understand your worries concerning other children. To realize that there are so many of us around.. heart breaking sometimes..

Children need to learn the difference between sex and love... and the parallels too.. make them more vigilant and safe..

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#457591 - 12/29/13 12:03 PM Re: Teen partying - bad TRIGGERS, worse memories [Re: SoccerStar]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1046
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar

I have never even told my T about this and have actually never said it out loud. My wife knows I at one time had a friend who raped his girlfriend, that's the most of the existence of this matter I have ever spoken to another living soul and I think it's as much as I can ever say out loud because it feels so damn dirty.


Hi Matt. First of all, I want to say that what you've expressed here is not dirty. You aren't dirty. This other kid who acted as your "body guard" was definitely dirty. His dirt did not rub off on you though. His abuse and misuse of you was not and is not a reflection of you. This kid was a predator, and the lack of a significant age difference between you and him doesn't change that.

I'm actually kind of surprised to hear that you haven't spoken of any of this to your T. I would definitely encourage you to do that when you are ready. If I'm not mistaken, I think you've mentioned that you have talked to the T about the rape when you were 8. The fact that you can talk about something as horrible as what happened to you when you were 8, but not this, says something about the gravity of what happened between you and this other boy. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the experiences with this other boy left and even deeper long-term scar on your being that what happened with the man in the stall. Definitely something worth going over with a T when you're ready for it.

On a side note, I don't get to spend that much time with kids but when I do, I wonder some of the same things. Which of them have those horrible, life changing secrets that they keep? What do the behaviors I witness in them mean? Are they ok? Do any of them need help? If I were a parent, I doubt I'd have any hair left or sleep at all. Dealing with those harsh realities is one thing I definitely do not envy in you parents out there. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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