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#430435 - 04/07/13 04:57 PM weakness
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Puget Sound
Had some amazing realizations recently, like I am not going to let this destroy me, I just wish I was stronger, I can’t deal with this shit anymore I gave in I started drinking again, the way I spent the last couple of months has been shear hell, I just needed something familiar something comfortable something to help me get through this shit.

I had to work in Cleveland on Thursday; total drag that ended well, United paid me to get outta town early, in Schaumburg at the hotel before 5pm, karma man, karma!

Other than that I realized that I can’t deal with all of this all at once, it’s too much and I love to play the “victim” so it just made my life so hopelessly tragic, so I guess I need to slow down, not something I do well. At least now I feel hope, hope for something better than I have now, maybe I’m not worthless, maybe I’m more than what I grew up believing about myself, maybe I might even be a real person something that until recently wasn’t true, I’m a person like you or anyone else, finally human, me?

Thanx for letting me vent.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#430461 - 04/08/13 01:50 AM Re: weakness [Re: cosmos]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3199
Loc: back in the USA
Cee -

i am puzzled by your post. you titled it "weakness" - yet the prevailing tone i got from it sounded strong and positive. listen to yourself:

Originally Posted By: cosmos
Had some amazing realizations recently, like I am not going to let this destroy me, ...


that is a SURVIVOR talking - so you slipped and started drinking again. not the end of the world. at least you are not in denial. you "had some amazing realizations" - right? OK - build on that! how 'bout sharing them with us?

and "I am not going to let this destroy me" - that is determination, bro! that is resolve! that is great!

Originally Posted By: cosmos
Other than that I realized that I can’t deal with all of this all at once, it’s too much and I love to play the “victim” so it just made my life so hopelessly tragic, so I guess I need to slow down, not something I do well.


good revelation - NOT weak - but realistic - none of us can do this instantly - or go it alone. like you said - slow down and stop playing victim - start re-casting yourself as "survivor."

Originally Posted By: cosmos
At least now I feel hope, hope for something better than I have now, maybe I’m not worthless, maybe I’m more than what I grew up believing about myself, maybe I might even be a real person something that until recently wasn’t true, I’m a person like you or anyone else, finally human, me?


DUDE - "hope" is what it SO important - otherwise we just give up. hang on to that!

and - NO - you are NOT worthless!
YES - you ARE more that you thought you were!
ABSOLUTELY - you are a REAL person - and you are VALUABLE in your own self!
TOTALLY HUMAN!!!

don't downgrade yourself, man! you are on the right track. play to your strengths.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#430463 - 04/08/13 02:08 AM Re: weakness [Re: cosmos]
PoeThePanda Offline


Registered: 10/24/12
Posts: 25
Loc: Ontario
I agree with traveler. You're headed in the right direction.

Keep at it!
_________________________
Quiet the noises
And leave your ears free to hear
What is going on,
Right Here.

Do not cower in fear
For when the morning rays mate with the leaves
Through your eyes it will be clear,
That there was actually nothing to fear.

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#430548 - 04/08/13 05:49 PM Re: weakness [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Puget Sound
But see that’s just it in-spite of or because of it I’m an “alpha male” and I mean top dog just doesn’t play well with others unless it’s my show. See cause I finally can connect to “little cee” and know that everything good as well as all the horrible things inside are from him, yet in order to survive to get through the years I had to hate him into non-existence, I hated him more then I hate el Diablo, understand that the adult part of me fantasizes about killing him with my bare hands smashing his skull on the ground until his brains are oozing out like a cooked hunk of meat hitting the floor, just total loss of control. But “little cee” man, why, why, why? I never had a choice in any of this, I even know why I hate him just what can you do when you hate yourself so much, that even now I can’t deal with him, he’s still this tortured little 7 year-old with the deranged mind of a 4 year-old, just looking for someone to care someone to listen. See for the last six months he’s been in control again and I didn’t even realize it, I was acting like I was 13 again, smoking, drinking, not doing anything I was supposed to do, not because I didn’t care but what 13 year old has any idea of how to hold onto a job that requires major dedication and devotion, not flipping hamburgers ya know? I almost let this shit destroy my life, I had really resigned myself, I just couldn’t get him to listen.

Understand that until I was committed @14 “little cee” ran my life into the ground, culminating with me stabbing a guy and “things got serious”. I was in therapy prior and during the stabbing, understand in retrospect, my shrink made the right decision, but what little bit of trust I had left died when he lied to my face about having me committed. To make a long story short I had to turn him off "little cee" to become functional you know normal, wtf, normal, non-sequitor right? Add to that the disaster of being a senior in hs; groomed and raped again, this time by a women an asst. principal; just when I should have been figuring out who I was, and “normal” was so important to me; read “normal” was the most important thing for them; I know that I was and for all my life; gay.

Not sure about everyone here but the only thing I would change is that no one ever had to have a need to invent MS.

I think I’ve written too much latter gotta catch a plane.

thanx for the kind words guys.

Cee

Btw still “weak like a little girl”


Edited by cosmos (04/08/13 05:52 PM)
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#430556 - 04/08/13 07:44 PM Re: weakness [Re: cosmos]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:44 PM)

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#430561 - 04/08/13 07:59 PM Re: weakness [Re: cosmos]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3199
Loc: back in the USA
Geoff got it right, Cee.
hope you can hear him.
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#430581 - 04/08/13 10:36 PM Re: weakness [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Puget Sound
Guys I get it; I really do it just seems like he can take over, like just go so retro, you know 13, just so “fuck you!”. I’m powerless to stop it, the “wild boy” inside me screams to be heard I feel hate and discontent from him on keep’n a good man down, but wtf he’s just a kid and fucks up my life every time he shows up, got me committed and all, just shear crap, I know I dumping on myself here but isn’t that the point the weakness for the self-hate because it’s so easy; “you can’t be human look what a human has done to you”; see no matter what the logical mind has to have truth, otherwise they’re problems.

See the adult that is typing this right now is aware, very aware that when “he” the child takes over my life goes to hell, and only since I was reprogramed during my commitment did I become even marginally an adult; my parent is the spitting image of el Diablo except I never ever touched them like that or beat them senseless ( my sons), heck I really never disciplined them much; the wife took care of the that I was either “underway” or in Chicago; after I left the USN I worked for Nortel and was part of the MCI migration from DMS-100 to “Super-Node” lived in Shy-town; heck even went to “Great Mistakes” for boot camp, Chicago; great city!

But I digress see I really hate him; of course meaning myself; so it’s only natural to hate both what you love most and also what you cannot have; myself and also because I can’t see any harmonious co-existence and all I want to do is live in peace; my spirit is that of a farmer sometimes there are good crops, sometimes there are bad crops, but as long as you did what you could its karma baby!

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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