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#429708 - 04/01/13 09:08 AM Some insights
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
And now, years later, I finally starting to figure what it has done. I realize why Iím feeling down. Because Iím starting to uncover my self protective mechanisms. And these work to protect me from everything and everybody. But it makes me feel sad. It makes me feel sad, because I canít reach the inner child. So it feels like thereís a barrier, but I also feel Iím working on opening up. Allowing myself to recognize I have made mistakes and accepting this. All the blame and self judgment is a lie. But it has been consistent, so it takes time to work things out and let go of these false sensations.

Iím starting to see why I am looking so much and desperately for myself. Itís because thereís a thick layer of negativity in me. And for the first time in my life Iím looking at it. This thick layer is what keeps me from reaching you. Itís a protection and it has done its job, but now it halts my progress. And I do want to progress out of victimhood. I want to become whole again, to feel alive and well. But hiding from the negative wonít do the trick. I just need to learn to let go of the obsessive mental patterns. By seeing that I am progressing, I am looking in a honest way at myself and Iím in therapy now.

I see that I have always been somewhat jealous of my brother and lately I realize that Iím actually afraid of him. And that feeling makes me feel sad. Being afraid of my own brother.. but at the same time, he abused me. So itís not strange that thereís negativity in the relationship. But I feel that it keeps me in victimhood. Iíve tried the best I could to solve it intellectually but I now know that this wonít suffice. I have to allow myself to open up to life a little more. Let go of the feeling of needing to be in control and allowing myself to feel the feelings without pushing them away. The fear in me is finally allowed to show itself, for years I thought I didnít have much fear. Lately I realize that thereís a lot of fear in me, but that it was too much for me to handle. And I donít always appreciate enough the great steps I have taken. I have told the story, I have quit smoking marihuana, Iím starting to examine my basic assumptions on life. Iím doing ok, Iím in therapy now. I just need to learn to be patient with myself. The feeling of needing to rush is so familiar, that I have difficulty with slowing the pace, allowing myself to breath.

So in short, Iím starting to realize Iím way to hard on myself. And I accept this for the first time in my life. The perfectionist in me is finally uncovered and I understand I have to learn how not to listen to him all the time. I allow myself to mistakes.
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#429809 - 04/02/13 11:26 AM Re: Some insights [Re: OCN]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1490
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: OCN
So in short, Iím starting to realize Iím way to hard on myself. And I accept this for the first time in my life. The perfectionist in me is finally uncovered and I understand I have to learn how not to listen to him all the time. I allow myself to mistakes.


Sounds like a HUGE step forward OCN. As we say in 12 step, "Progress not Perfection". Keep it up man.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#429865 - 04/02/13 07:46 PM Re: Some insights [Re: OCN]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
OCN - good post!

Jude is right about this! many of "us" have big issues with perfectionism and demanding a much higher standard of ourselves than we do from anyone else. i know i am more likely to be compassionate and forgiving and make allowances for others and accept them, including their flaws. but with myself, i will berate and blame and condemn and chastise mercilessly over any little perceived failure or falling short of what i have set up as the (impossibly high) goal.

recently, i asked my T what it would look like to be recovered or healed. he had me write out a list of what i thought. afterwards, i realized that the things i had described were practically impossible to attain - even for the most "normal" ultimate over-achiever. i immediately decided to cut myself some slack and be content with "progress, not perfection" - as Jude says (though i had not heard that phrase before and did not use exactly those words.) i think that - ironically - accepting - and as you say - allowing myself to make mistakes - is actually a pretty major sign of improvement.

Lee


Edited by traveler (04/02/13 07:47 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#429907 - 04/03/13 01:50 AM Re: Some insights [Re: OCN]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
Lee,

Your first paragraph describes how I act as well, compassionate of others, unforgiving of myself. Perhaps the exercise you experienced would be of value to complete. Thanks for writing.

Dave

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#429955 - 04/03/13 12:17 PM Re: Some insights [Re: Jude]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
Originally Posted By: Jude
Originally Posted By: OCN
So in short, Iím starting to realize Iím way to hard on myself. And I accept this for the first time in my life. The perfectionist in me is finally uncovered and I understand I have to learn how not to listen to him all the time. I allow myself to mistakes.


Sounds like a HUGE step forward OCN. As we say in 12 step, "Progress not Perfection". Keep it up man.

Jude

Hej guys thnx for the replies!

And yes, i sometimes dont realize just how big the step is. After 30 years i'm finally looking honestly to myself.

Where can i find the 12-step list? sounds interesting (is it related to Dance of the Wounded Soul?)

Originally Posted By: traveler
OCN - good post!

Jude is right about this! many of "us" have big issues with perfectionism and demanding a much higher standard of ourselves than we do from anyone else. i know i am more likely to be compassionate and forgiving and make allowances for others and accept them, including their flaws. but with myself, i will berate and blame and condemn and chastise mercilessly over any little perceived failure or falling short of what i have set up as the (impossibly high) goal.

same here smile and the good thing is that i can now laugh at this! Even though i know its still a long road, i'm starting to laugh again. Cause i really feel commited and that is such a good feeling.

Letting go of these feelings can be hard, but the willing itself is such a major step in my case.. gives you the strength to hold on and move on!

And Dave is so right on this being a good exercise! Gonna try it myself too!


Edited by OCN (04/03/13 12:21 PM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#430016 - 04/03/13 06:24 PM Re: Some insights [Re: OCN]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
great insight OCN. i experienced the same thing recently... I had dealt intellectually with this for 15 years, but it hadn't done anything for me. I was "fake."

Getting to the emotional core of abuse, as I have understood and am now experiencing, is at once painful and freeing.

I wish you luck in your continued therapy!
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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