I have known for a while that I was a victim. However, I still saw things through the eyes of a victim even though my abuse happened over 30 years ago. For all intents and purposes, I still lived as though what had happened could still happen today. I still saw/see myself as a boy and not a full grown man. (There was recently a thread about other men on here seeing their own manly bodies and being disconcerted by the disconnect between their child-mind and masculine bodies).
I am moving from KNOWING I was a victim to ACCEPTING that I WAS a victim but that I am not anymore. I am learning that it is my job to take care of myself now. It is my responsibility, now, even though those in my childhood did not only not take care of me but abused me without excuse. The move from knowledge to acceptance means facing all of the internal messages that I got from abuse and neglect from many sources. I didn't know I had any feelings at the time - I just shut off my feelings and learned to live and adjust to what was going on. I created an inner world to cope and survive.
The problem is I don't have to live based on that self-created world but I still do. I still protect myself from hurt. I think I still want to believe that the world will hurt me so I don't have to face the extreme hurt and neglect that I felt incredibly deeply as a child. I was an emotional kid, very sensitive and I was rejected and humiliated by my father, brother, peers and my mother made me fit her needs and then I was abused by grown males. I was almost ready made for abusers.
I have people I am developing relationships with and that is why I can begin to face the emotions but I still have a hard time facing many lost years, screwed up sexuality, addiction, isolation, lack of emotional growth, no close friends, lack of a healthy social life, lack of a healthy intimate relationship with sex in it. Those are major areas of life that have been affected and with my change in perspective, I can now admit that my life has been affected more than I knew. I feel like I am coming out of a coma.
Edited by EdfromNYC (03/28/13 12:13 PM)
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed