"Are there any paranoids in the audience tonight? Is there anybody who worries about things? Pathetic. This is for all the weak people in the audience. Is there anyone here who's weak? This is for you. It's call 'Run Like Hell'." -- Roger Waters during a concert (in character as "Pink.")
*You better make your face up in
Your favourite disguise
With your button down lips and your
Roller blind eyes *
First of all, the following should be read within the greater context of me having a bipolar mother who was very inconsistent, a father who was emotionally non-existent, and a family where physical touch was very rare.
*With your empty smile
And your hungry heart *
Second, my parents were not my perps. And I haven't yet reconstructed my memories enough to know the timing of these events in regards to my perps. I do know some of my earliest memories are of horrible stomach pains, so I've dealt with that my entire life.
Ok, here we go . . .
*"Feel the bile rising from your guilty past
With your nerves in tatters"*
When I was a child I would have very painful bowel movements that felt like razor sharp spikes. Remember the spiky-balls that used to fall out of the sky in Super Mario Brothers and kill you if you touched them? That's what I envisioned coming out of my butt. That's what it felt like. I would honestly be surprised when I look into the toilet and see that the only abnormal sign was blood. I absolutely expected to see I had passed some sort of spiked weapon. I now know that the feeling of rzors and the blood are common sign of anal fissures, which can occur naturally in children. One cause of fissures is constipation, which I also suffered from. But one result of anal fissures is constipation due to not wanting to go to the bathroom, so I don't know which was the cause and which was the result. I do not I used to force myself not to go.
*"And run all night"*
At the same time, though, when it would hurt and I couldn't go I would try to force myself to go in the middle of the night. I tried to be very quiet and not wake my parents. Inevitably I did though, and then the enema was administered. It was a degrading experience and I frequently recall being scolded during it.
*"And keep your dirty feelings
I would be brought down to their room (my parents slept on the first floor because of my father's knees). THe strange thing is I don't have a single memory of actually getting the enema, but then I would be placed on my side with a towel under me. I remember a blanket being placed to cover my front, not in a comforting way but as if to hide something disgusting. I remember being yelled at whenever my hands drifted toward the lower part of my body, so I learned to lie very still with my arms crossed against my chest. In retrospect, I think I think I vaguely remember having a weird and somewhat painful erection and I think my physical reaction, naturally, was to try to touch the part of my body that hurt the way I would rub a bruise. Or maybe it was a more base impulse.
Either way, my parents -- especially my mother -- responded as if she caught me raping a cat. Shock and shame. Thus the blanket thrown over me like they were trying to pretend I wasn't there.
Then like a switched being flipped, all that control that I wanted to have over my body disappeared. Full release. And it wasn't fun. The physical pain of constipation was gone, but the humiliation was indescribable.
*You better run*
So there you go. Bowel movements that felt like mideval torture, blood in my stool, being treated like I was a nuisance, enemas shoved up into me with hardly a word, hidden away like a monster, feeling out of control and bad.
And oh yeah, guess what guys? NONE of this gets to be counted as abuse. Giving enemas to kids isn't illegal, anal fissures are normal, and my dad was a physician so technically all this occured under the care of a doctor. So IM JUST SUPPOSED TO BE OK WITH IT?!?!?!?!?!?
Sorry. I really try hard not to yell when I am here. You guys are my friends. But I do need to ask a question:
how am I SUPPOSED to feel about this?
I really do mean that. I need some feedback. What is the reaction I should be having to this?
No big deal?
Edited by Jacob S (03/28/13 03:53 AM)
"As long as the child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen . . . all appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless."
-- Alice Miller