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#429244 - 03/26/13 11:51 PM slow learner - TRIGGERS?
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3351
Loc: somewhere in Africa
something finally clicked today - as i was writing a PM - and i know it should have been obvious - but i only now put it together. i don't know why it took so long for me to see it.

i have told different parts of my story in various posts, focusing on one aspect or another. i have been thinking so much during the past few days about the step-dad - and i tried to put the memories of him and what he did into a consecutive time-line. once i had done that - as a list-style summary - something jumped out at me. at times i have felt like the CSA i experienced was not severe enough for the reactions and after-effects i have lived with for so long. i have heard others say that there is nothing to be gained by comparisons and that there is no heirarchy of abuse - but ...

anyway - what i realized was that one of the first memories of the step-dad was when i was 6 and he treatened to castrate me with a pair of hedge clippers. i had written about this and posted it almost a year ago:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=403404&page=1

the NEW insight i just got was this - that event colored EVERYTHING from that point on - as in, THE REST OF MY LIFE! - every single thing that was related to my body, or even more - my p3nis, balls and s3xuality!!!

so every time the step-dad looked at me and touched me later - i was afraid that he was going to carry out his threat. whatever he did was magnified and intensified by that additional fear. and i also transferred that fear to all the other perps that came later - the curious and touchy-feely peers and bullies at school and in scouts and the Y. so all of their treatment was underscored by that event as well. my entire life - except for the first 6 years has been under that shadow. it wasn't just a one-time incident - it derailed my attitude toward my self and that whole area of life and relationships - especially connected to s3x - and sent me careening down a rocky mountainside, out of control. why couldn't i see that before?

lee


Edited by traveler (03/27/13 12:00 AM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#429250 - 03/27/13 01:09 AM Re: slow learner - TRIGGERS? [Re: traveler]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
This brings up something in me . . . A place on my body that I always get freaked out when it gets touched. Not a place usually considered erotic or sensitive. A very particular spot that I can't even think about. Its own my own body and I pretend its not even there. And it was a threat, not any actual action, that caused so much fear and emotion to be centralized in that spot. Can't get more specific, but thank you for sharing.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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