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#429406 - 03/28/13 06:59 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:55 PM)

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#429436 - 03/29/13 12:11 AM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
si Offline


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 43
Loc: Utah
Thank all of you guys for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me about this. I spent the other day with my little brother and really celebrated his innocence and let him be a 4 year old and it was great, we had a lot of fun. By being aware, I was able to consciously stop seeing myself through him and just see him. Our time together was very theraputic.

Thanks guys!

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#429510 - 03/29/13 09:08 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3397
Loc: somewhere in Africa
great news, si!

i had a beautiful experience yesterday. a friend invited us to have dinner with the family and color easter eggs with their 2 kids. i was a little nervous - but went anyway. they have a 5-yr-old girl and a 3-yr-old boy - both fair-skinned, blue-eyed, white-blond little angels. absolutely adorable. it was such fun watching them and interacting. my wife is much better with small kids than i am so i kind of sit back and participate more minimally. afterwards, i felt cleansed - like their innocence had transferred to me - not at all my "normal" reaction to being around kids - but it was very positive. i don't really know what was the difference - but it was good.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#429548 - 03/30/13 05:17 AM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
si Offline


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 43
Loc: Utah
That's great!

I know what you mean! Kids are wonderful sometimes, when they aren't sticky and grimy haha. My sister recorded a video of me interacting with my little brother is and I keep watching it over and over . I'm glad you had a great experience with those kids. Try being around kids more? If it helps of course ^_^

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#429564 - 03/30/13 08:36 AM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
This thread has been both saddening and calming for me... thank you for bringing it up here.

Tuesday night was a huge family get-together for Passover and for the first time since my abuse memories manifested I had the chance to hang out with my favorite young cousins - a trio of brothers, 15, 14, and 11. They are all very good boys - naturally the eldest is their "leader" and since he was good from the start, the others emulated him. I watched them tumbling and chasing and playing around; there were even younger cousins there so these 3 shed a little dignity to "play down" with them. We talked about school, about friends, about ordinary things. They all loved my children. The 14yo in particular was taken by my baby daughter - making silly faces to make her laugh, and indulging her when she'd jab her fat little fingers all over his face. He in particular reminded me of myself, always loving kids and helping out with my younger relatives.

I got very bittersweet watching them play and chatter and narrate their normal hopes and lives that night. I could remember myself at those ages, remembered having a few baffling but meaningless scattered snapshots of abuse in my head... remembered my choice to keep what little I knew a secret... remembered the agony of discovering I was attracted to both genders and submerging myself in hate for that for years. I remembered trading in my own dignity to a boy down the street in exchange for protection from bullies - and now seeing the 14yo in particular, for the first time I felt bad about that, really bad. I saw how happy and normal they were all behaving and felt both great hope that that was really what their lives were about and very strong apprehension that they - even one of them - might be faking it, might be lying and false-facing past something they just couldn't deal with, just couldn't say, like I did at that age. My parents never noticed anything. There's no way to know so I could only hope. It tied me up in knots inside and I could only hope and wish that they were living the lives they deserved.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#429576 - 03/30/13 01:55 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
Jim1961 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1131
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
*Like* This is an awesome thread!
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

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#429585 - 03/30/13 06:32 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
si Offline


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 43
Loc: Utah
Matt,

You touched on something I've thought about before. It's hard to know if someone is being abused just by looking at them. It seems the only way to have a sound reason for thinking a child is being abused is by them talking or knowing things they shouldn't, but it seems like they'll keep all that information a secret like they're told. I think it's heart breaking that kids around us could be victims and we don't even know, and we can't tell.

With this in mind, I went crazy for the first few months of my recovery, thinking about how others hurt and I'm not doing anything. The statistic of 1/6 was stuck in my head and I kept looking around and when I saw more than 6 boys I felt horrible. However I learned to cope by trying to be nice and make kids really happy, and make them laugh and try to be a good role model for them. For the off chance that I interact with a future survivor in that manner, I know that for those moments where I'm being awesome in the kids' eyes, making them laugh and feel awesome, that im taking them out of that dark place they might be in.

Sorry if that is wordy, just reading your post reminded me of why I work with kids so much.

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#429589 - 03/30/13 07:48 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
That's a pretty moving story si and this is a great thread, thanks for sharing/starting it. I'm really glad it's been helping you in your healing and you sound like a pretty awesome brother, keep up the good work.

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#429636 - 03/31/13 03:15 PM . [Re: Chase Eric]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:10 PM)

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#429639 - 03/31/13 04:53 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: si
Thank all of you guys for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me about this. I spent the other day with my little brother and really celebrated his innocence and let him be a 4 year old and it was great, we had a lot of fun. By being aware, I was able to consciously stop seeing myself through him and just see him. Our time together was very theraputic.

Thanks guys!


Hello Si. Glad to hear that you're progressing with this issue. I can relate to how you feel to a degree because of my nephews. I can't say that I find them "triggering" necessarily, but having them in my life has recently helped me keep a certain perspective on my own CSA experiences. They are 7 and 9 years old, which is very close to the age I was the first time I was molested. (8, I think.) Because my abusers were female, I often let those voices in my head that try to minimize the sexual trauma I experienced. My own internal voices, ones that were put there by our society and the way female on male sexual abuse is largely viewed, telling me that my pain is invalid and telling me that I am incredibly weak for letting those experiences cause me so much damage. Then, I think about my little nephews. I think about how incredibly sweet and innocent and precious they are. I think about how fragile they are. Then I try to imagine the exact same thing happening to them that happened to me. The very thought forces me to choke back tears. To even think of it happening to one of them evokes only horror and heartbreak. That really puts my own experience in perspective and shuts those internal voices up, at least temporarily anyway.

Thanks for sharing this. I hope you and your little brother continue to grow together happily and healthily. It sounds like you're an awesome big brother and that you are lucky to have each other in your lives. Peace,

Ken

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