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#429738 - 04/01/13 02:10 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6805
Loc: USA
Cant and KMCINVA

Thank you for your encouragement.

I just corrected a few errors in my timeline and added a few details.

Puffer

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#429739 - 04/01/13 02:16 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1539
Thanks--20 years--I guess I am just beginning my therapy journey--2 years to date.

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#429848 - 04/02/13 04:49 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
I hadn't been reading this thread, I think I'm trying to forget I suffer from DID (Charles speaking)

thanks Cant and all for encouraging others to look at this problem as something you can actually go through without dying in the attempt.

I've read a bit about it thanks to Puffer but a lot of my "alters" still try to deny we are multiple. The Original one, for example, he believes he has schizophrenia and the voices are just that. That's what he was told by our father and the doctors, father's friends.

I (Charles) have a twin, Daniel, the one that usually interacts here. We both were "born" when the body was chronologically 13 years old. We were amnesic about everything prior that point. We didn't know our name, we didn't know if we had a family or what had happened during childhood. We woke up in a hospital bed and couldn't walk or speak for sometime. We had also forgotten how to read and write. I think that was interesting. We recovered that knowledge little by little. It took us 5 years and a encounter with our father to remember our childhood and to discover we had DID.

Daniel and I became the main personality at 13 then, we work as a team. He manages the internal systems and I deal with the external world. I am a nice and relaxed 21 year old guy, I can go and buy stuff to cook dinner, I can drive, I can talk and smile to people, I can work, I know we have to clean the body everyday, I know we should go to bed at midnight, I am interested in the news, I can make calls, I like to go out with girls, I can even make friends easily. Daniel can't do anything of the above, but he controls everything inside so I can be a "normal" guy out there. I know his task is not easy. He was adicted to drugs from almost 13, he drinks until he falls asleep, he cuts and burns himself, he deals with other personalities. He knows a lot of what happened to us as children and later. I don't and I'm not supposed to, so I don't even read our posts in this site. I know some bad things happened but I don't need to know anything of that. My task is not easy either. Whenever it is too much for Daniel and he gets overwhelmed, I "shut down" and go somewhere safe, so we leave "open floor" for others to take over. This usually happens at midnight. (local midnight wherever we are).

We count around 30 personalities although we don't really know them all. The actual original one is a 2.5 year old who can't speak and is a younger version of what I previously called "The original". There are 3 animals and 1 fantastic being among our personalities, and many children of all ages.

We do dissociate in a way sometimes we don't know what is happening, especially when there's "open floor". That's why docs said we were not able to live on our own, it can be dangerous for others and for ourselves. I believe some of our personalities can have obscure thoughts. Sometimes we (Daniel+Charles)"wake up" to learn we have lost some days. They do have different tastes and fears, the Original one needs glasses while we don't.

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#429854 - 04/02/13 05:08 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Charles and Daniel,

It is so good to hear from you guys. I would also like to say hello to your Original self and to the children inside you and to the fantastic being that has taken up residence inside your identity matrix.

All of my parts -- my adult self, my child self and my dark self (who I call Izzy) -- are all co-present here now saying hello to all the parts of you.

We love all of you, even the dark parts and the parts that hurt. We love your Original self and the parts he had to create in order to survive.

All of us love all of you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429863 - 04/02/13 06:51 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
Reading threads like this scares me, I have some of the symptoms, have had similar feelings, emotions. One of the things that has always scared me is this; I am a kind, nurturing person, educated, articulate, etc. but when I am in certain situations where I perceive danger or there is danger I turn into something completely different, sometjing people shrink from, even if I protect them in that dangerous situation. I have gotten into physical altercstions (not started by me) and cannot remember what happened. I have holes in my childhood memory, and grey spots that cause my mind to literally shrink from them. There are other memories that were 'altered' by me afterwards. The 'real version' of these events have come back recently and are very difficult to deal with. I will say I have never been a bully was always crazy protective of others and totally unafraid of death or physical harm in a way that I cannot explain and has surprised others. I,dont mention any of this to sound 'bad' or whatever, these things have caused me great confusion and difficulty over the years. Can anyone relate to any of this?
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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#430278 - 04/05/13 09:37 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
I'm up to 10 mg/day of the naltrexone. Didn't feel any real effects of it until therapy session today.

At the end of the session, Izzy came out and was hurting me, but then time was up and we had to go. I stood to collect my things, but then Izzy brought me back down onto my hands and knees. My T talked me up, and asked me if I wanted to sit in the other room to collect myself and if I wanted a cup of water. I replied, "Yes ma'am."

I have never said "yes ma'am" to her before. And also, she's never engaged my child self in the sessions, only me and Izzy. So I've never had the opportunity to say "yes ma'am" to her because only my child self would say that.

So there in her office, Izzy presented himself and shut my adult self down, but my time was up and I had to go, so my child self picked me up and walked me out into the next office, where my T brought me some water. I wouldn't have known the difference if it wasn't for the "yes ma'am."

I think the naltrexone is making Izzy more powerful. But I don't fear it. I am becoming him, whatever that means.

Cant


Edited by cant_remember (04/05/13 09:38 PM)
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#430298 - 04/05/13 11:59 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6805
Loc: USA
I've become pretty convinced that I have an izzy in there somewhere and that I've never met him. My T is trying to work with me on this. I bolted from him (the T) a number of years ago because of a number of reasons. Multiples are usually very suspicious and bolt easily. That is the opposite of what they need to do. When the T started working with me on alters (alternate personalities) I had about a dozen, most of which were children. I learned from T how to put myself into deep relaxation and then bringing out an alter. I started doing this at home. The best treatment, at least for me, was to talk to the child alters gently, while playing child music, and convince them that they needed to integrate with the adult guy (me). That worked marvelously and finally I felt only like two, adult and a little boy who was 12 and had horrible memories and feelings from the horrible abuse at age 12. Finally that problem was mostly solved by EMDR. EMDR blended the horrible memories and feelings with the adult person. It worked except I had lots of loose memory tags which weren't connected. The last EMDR session tried to solve the problem of a horrific terror I experienced the last evening of the torture and abuse at the scout camp. That EMDR failed and I ended up turning into a new person in order to escape that pain.

Puffer

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