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#427971 - 03/13/13 10:09 PM A little about my situation (Triggers).
Di-nacht Offline


Registered: 03/13/13
Posts: 3
Edit: Thank you guys so much for helping me.


Edited by Di-nacht (03/14/13 10:26 PM)

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#427983 - 03/13/13 11:32 PM Re: A little about my situation (Triggers). [Re: Di-nacht]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
Hi Di-Nacht,

I haven't been all that long myself, but welcome. As they say around here, I'm not happy that you need a place like this but I'm glad you've found it.

From what you've written, I'd say you suffered from abuse. Abuse isn't just about the physical action -- the reason why it is so damaging is because it changes the brain and maybe the soul. It teaches the child that he doesn't belong to himself, isn't worth anything, deserves to be dominated, and doesn't deserve to be protected.

It sounds like there was a lot of that abusive attitude in your family. A lack of appropriate boundaries, exhibitionism, unasked for touching -- all of this teaches a child the wrong things about self-perception.

Being burdened as a kid with too much knowledge tells the victim that they exist to support others. It can be very damaging.

Your exposure to sex growing up sounds particularly abusive and damaging. The incidents you relate show that you were frequently brought into situations you should've been protected from. You were in over your head and didn't have a choice. Thats a big deal and its not surprising if it has affected you.

As far as your grandfather and your cousin goes, I would be concerned. You say he's a devout AAer. Well, any good AA would tell you that it doesn't matter how long you've been sober -- once you've shown a weakness to something, you have to be on guard regarding it all the time. An alcoholic shouldn't be bringing wine into his house, and a rapist shouldn't be bringing into his house anyone who is vulnerable.

I don't what exactly to tell you to do, but I wouldn't be comfortable with the situation. I hesitate to give you specific advice without knowing you or the other people involved, but doing nothing seems like a very dangerous option. Be safe and don't let the cycle continue. Maybe there is someone else in your family you can ally with and confront your grandfather about this together.
_________________________


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#427985 - 03/13/13 11:43 PM Re: A little about my situation (Triggers). [Re: Di-nacht]
Di-nacht Offline


Registered: 03/13/13
Posts: 3
Thank you for responding so promptly. Perhaps I'm just somewhat in denial. Hopefully there are things that I can come out about.

I've never quite thought of it as you described, and have never realized that any abuse I've experienced may be far reaching. I would like other opinions to corroborate; because I have always been under the impression these types of things were commonplace.

I believe my mother would be the most appropriate to issue my concerns to about all of this.

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#427990 - 03/14/13 02:17 AM Re: A little about my situation (Triggers). [Re: Di-nacht]
Publius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 425
Loc: OH
I agree you were sexually abused even if it wasn't what most people think about when the topic comes up. CSA takes many forms some more subtle than others but your description of your grandma's and brother's behavior is indisputably abusive in nature. In reply to your first query I would suspect your abuse has had some sort of negative effects given CSA is never a neutral or positive experience. However, being a survivor does not condemn you to a deterministic nightmare life of drugs and/or other difficulties. On the contrary, the fact that you are asking the question means you are becoming more aware of your own past, how it made you feel, and how it may still affect you to this day. It is the people who are unable or unwilling to make the connection between their CSA and their present struggles (drugs, depression, compulsive behaviors, etc.) that I worry about more because without the knowledge of their CSA it is exceedingly difficult to address its after effects, which is inexorably attached to the CSA despite any entreaty on the part of the individual or society. Being here means any obstacle you might face in the future as a result of your abuse you will do so with an understanding of its origins, which empowers you to overcome it.

Concerning your second question I should say ambivalence is a fairly normal feeling to have towards our perpetrators, or I suppose in this case your uncle's abuser. After all, abusers often times do a lot of good things for or with us that are both good for us and enjoyable. Nevertheless, the moment they betray our trust by introducing sexuality into the relationship the emotional benefits of these activities (it basically becomes "grooming") are ruined and leave us hurt and confused. Returning to your question it is certainly possible he is reformed but I would not give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't believe in the Scarlett A as such but I definitely recognize recidivism as a serious, statistically proven risk when it comes to addiction/compulsive behaviors in people and perpetrators in particular. Moreover, they are extremely good at hiding that aspect of their lives from others and sometimes even themselves (compartmentalization). I would error on the side of protecting your cousin but I don't know how much you are able to do that in your present situation.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#427991 - 03/14/13 02:50 AM Re: A little about my situation (Triggers). [Re: Di-nacht]
Di-nacht Offline


Registered: 03/13/13
Posts: 3
The best idea, I suppose, would be to hint at it passingly, which would ease the course into direct statements about suggesting whether or not something should be done. It does feel difficult to talk about everything with people, however.

Also, now that I'm not as out of sorts after having taken a bit of ibuprofen, I realized that I asked a very direct question that may have been a little off-hand; that is, if csa determines negative courses in your life. So if that offends anyone, I apologize.

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