I know what to do now.

My cousin, my abuser, the cynical and phony facade of a person named infamously in my mind, Curtis, can never be a part of my life again. I know this inside of me, and this is what I alone have chosen. I can forgive, but I can never forget. However, under the utmost importance, I will never forgive unless reconciled, for why would I forgive someone who doesn't even want it? I can never justify the pain he caused me. And for anyone to claim any sort of justification is out of line, be it "professional" psychologists or any human being who is NOT me, they have NO say, NO justification, NO domain in my mind, for I stand with my pain, and it is my pain alone with what I judge the worthiness of a person who has defiled me. I have known for a long time what to do, and it is people who assume their position in my FUCKING HEAD, in my FUCKING MIND, who have led me astray. And like the lyrics from a song of which crushed my heart and soul, for so long these words have defined me.

"I'm trying to find some kind of excuse,
But deep down within my heart,
I know the truth...
I'm too blind, I'm too blind to see the light."

But now I see clearly now, I see the light, and I am blind no more.

I'm sick of the fucking psychoanalysis bullshit, it's all theory. Don't fucking brainwash me for christs sake, to any and every psych who tells you forgiveness is key to recovery, I say FUCK YOU to ALL of you. HOW FUCKING DARE you try and tell me how to handle something of which you have NO comprehension of, my story is my story ALONE. NOBODY has the right, NOBODY has the wisdom, NOBODY has the intelligence, NOBODY has the insight, to possibly tell me what I need to do to resolve my pain. There's no fucking jumping around it, what happened to me is irreversible, it is unjustifiable, and if I wanted your pyschobabble to trick me into having an illusion of happiness, I'll take my pain over that illusion any day. I live as I am for who I am, I don't want some fake bullshit. FESS UP TO YOUR LIES.

If I were to forgive my cousin with him having never reconciled with me, I would have to remain delusional about who he is. I would have to trick myself to achieve that result. That alone can cause guilt and shame. Why can't I forgive him, does that make me a bad person? NO it DOES NOT. Am I less of a person because I can't forgive him? NO I AM NOT. I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS ABUSED, WHY IN GOD'S NAME SHOULD I GIVE THEM ANYTHING FROM ME, INCLUDING MY FORGIVENESS.

I agree.

IF forgiveness makes you stronger, helps you hurt less, is what is right for you . . . well, only you can tell.

"Living well is the best revenge" is a line I keep in my head. Its like forgiveness, because its about not letting them control me or keep me stressed or raise my blood pressure. But the focus is on me. I see forgiveness the same way. If I ever do that, it'll because its what makes me stronger. They don't deserve for me to consider them one way or the other. My spite doesn't hurt them. The only one it affects is me. So if my spite helps me, I will keep it. If I decide my spite hinders my progress, I hope I'll be able to let it go.

But every journey is different. Nobody has the right to tell you what you need to do. No one but you can possibly know.

Hi CF. Your anger in this post is palpable, and it is healthy and it is justified. I don't think there is any reason you should have to forgive your cousin for what he did to you. If you have a T that is putting pressure on you to feel that way I suggest finding another T. Forgiveness may be the right path for some but not for others. It may be possible for some and not for others. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. When it comes to therapy and/or recovery and/or psychology in general, a lot of people seem to have this "cookie cutter" view of it all. As if everyone is the same and should have the same path to reach the same conclusions. It's bullshit and is one of the reasons I've avoided individual or group therapy for so long.

I'm not sure what else to say other than I hope you have some kind of healthy mechanism for coping with the anger you are feeling right now because it sounds like it's eating you alive. Whatever mechanism that may be, focus on that. Anger is a gift. Take care. Peace.

Ken

(((( Cloudy )))))

I'm with you. Fuck 'em.

Cant

I have no way to get out this anger. You don't want to see my anger, I was going to post about it, but even for my discretion (which usually I don't censor myself), I decided not to post it. It's graphic, and it's ugly.

I wish I had a way to get this anger out of me, I just can't think of a way without hurting someone, destroying something, or doing something that would make someone think I'm insane.

Clouds-I agree, you can accept or reject anyone based on the criteria you cite. I can also speak to the words you used concerning figuring it all out. It seems cruel and awful and ugly after reading here, some books and doing some research. That feeling you describe, for me is like this; I feel like a complete fool at first. But then I consider that I was a little kid, wtf did I (or do I) know about any of that-the feelings, sexual part, etc. What I'm left with is how unfair it was-the actual events and the consequences for me. What an awful confusing, terribly destructive thing to live with-factor in some alcohol...
I've found it's only that way if it's a secret, most of all TO ME. I am working on accepting it, part of that is actually feeling the 'real' anger of what happened, the unfairness, terror, etc.
I own a punching bag, I don't 'ideate'-put a face on it and beat it up hardly ever. I like the movement and have been an athlete all my life. I enjoy the physical expression of anger-it goes somewhere,and I also enjoy the movement/exercise/precision of it. Whatever I'm feeling or works.

Substance abuse can make anger much worse-alcohol being a biggie, but anything that you repeatedly put into yourself to dull feelings/ptsd symptoms will fail sooner or later. Those failures of chemicals to do what you expect, tolerance, etc can be interesting, lol.

I have been and go back to where you are. I go back less now, that shit will eat me up if I let it. I want to get somewhere, however that works.

PS- I vote 'fuck em' too. I have little to no contact with entire family and am better for it. May not work for everyone, but for me it's very effective at having better life and 'seeing clearly' as you mention.

Hi CF. Look at what I said again. I didn't say that I hoped there was a way for you to "get the anger out of you". I said that I hoped you had some healthy mechanism for coping with your anger. That's not the same thing. You may never get rid of these anger issues that stem from your CSA. I'm an angry fucking person and I will never be able to "get the anger out" of me either. Coping with anger to some degree isn't the same thing as releasing it completely.


During the Civil War, when a soldier needed to undergo a field surgical limb amputation to avoid gangrene and death and they had no anesthesia, they gave him a bullet to bite down on. That didn't take away the pain. It was just a coping mechanism. When dealing with overwhelming anger issues stemming from CSA or anything else, it helps to have some kind of psychological bullet to bite down on.


As far as hurting someone, destroying something, or making someone think you're insane goes, I'd say just don't hurt anyone. Destroy something that's not that valuable if it helps. I've destroyed/broken lot of shit over the years. Fuck it. And if someone thinks you're insane, who cares? Unless they're an employer or a potential employer, who cares what they think?


Some of the coping mechanisms Zug suggested don't sound bad. I find that running and working out hard helps to vent some of my negative emotional energy even if it doesn't get rid of it and never could. Listening to metal helps me cope with it too. Slayer, Lamb of God, Slipknot and shit like that turned up until it makes my eardrums ring helps take the edge off. Playing ultra-violent video games is a nice escape. Then I have my less healthy coping mechanisms that I won't really bring up other than to say that I have them. I don't want to sound like I'm encouraging other CSA survivors to do the same dumb shit I do. They even me out and keep me away from the ledge though. That's all.


God, I hope none of this sounds like an attempt to trivialize any of what you have expressed here. I'm sorry if it sounds that way. Your anger is your own and your pain is your own. I don't want to tell you what to do with it and I can't. I would just like to to think that you at least have viable coping mechanisms, whatever they may be. Let it out when you need to, however you can. Take care. Peace.

Ken

Forgiveness is a religious directive, if someone tells you to do that, then they should be calling themselves a priest, not a therapist. Forgiveness does not lead to healing, it leads to the status quo, to abusive families and abusers going on and on and staying as they are. It's a load of shit. So, good for you.

Expressing anger is healthy, repressing it is sick. And thinking that you are superior because you repress your anger is victim mentality.

Right there with you guys. Directly or indirectly pressuring a survivor into forgiving their perp(s) is tantamount to telling them they need to "just get over it." People who do this are trying to make themselves feel better, not you. Just another cog in the conspiracy of silence surrounding child sex abuse.