I started my healing process back in 2010. On August 9, 2010 (yes - 8/9/10) a repressed memory of being molested surfaced. It was pretty devastating but was the beginning of a LONG overdue soul search and recovery process.
Over the past couple of years, I've had horrible nightmares I call night terrors. These episodes disrupt the entire house and make my husband feel very uncomfortable. Neither of us know how to control or intervene in the terrors to stop them. They just have to process. Those night terrors have been subsiding significantly over the past six to eight months. I've very glad.
I've had other memories surface but none of them have been so terrifying as in the beginning. The memories include being molested by my father and a cousin (together and separately). I wrote a "poem" that's posted as "I Hate It When I Whine" and have gotten some feedback. I don't normally write poetry so it's rudimentary at best. But it was something I needed to do as part of my healing.
Since I wrote that poem, I've started feeling a bit stuck in my recovery. I'm not sure how to use this site to its fullest potential yet. I'm sure I'll find new things every visit.
I go several days (sometimes weeks) between feeling I need to put some effort into my recovery. I feel it is my responsibility to let it happen. But I also feel it is important to put some effort into creating opportunities for the healing to find me. I feel like I should spend some time focusing on my needs, my hurts, and what I feel I need to heal.
The 'feeling' of needing to participate in my own recovery pops into my mind from time to time. I usually find that to be a great time to stop and reflect. I also try to make time to come here to see what feedback I may have gotten, what resources might be available to me and what I might run across that sparks a moment of healing and recovery.
I'm feeling like this is a slow approach. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I cannot rush the healing. I just want to make sure I'm making myself available an adequate amount of time. I want to facilitate the recovery as much as possible.
I was in therapy for a while. I so loved going. I lost my job and have no way to pay for the services. I still owe that facility $80. I'm sure I can get in without having to pay going forward, but I can't begin to tell you how guilty I feel for not being able to pay what I owe. (Note: I am NOT asking for money - just lamenting.)
I don't stress over not spending more time in reflecting recovery. But I don't want to miss the joy of progress or the pleasure of reflecting towards healing.
My life is full of wonderful things. My husband, my hobbies, my dreams, and my aspirations - the list goes on and on. I rarely have time to squander on things and people of the past. But I do want to be complete released from them, the hurts they inflicted, the life stolen, the hate received and the negativity they exude.
When the initial memories started to surface, I sent my father a simple note. It read "On 8/9/10, I remember what happened to me when I was 5, 6, & 7." He's not spoken to me since 2001. I've sent correspondences to him over the years. But the note about August 9 will be the LAST attempt for me to every reach out in a communicative fashion for as far into the future as I can foresee.
So, back to feeling stuck. Any suggestions? What features of this site would be the most benefit to me? What am I missing? Does anyone else get 'stuck' from time to time? What are the tricks you use to get beyond being stuck? Do you ignore the 'stuck' signals or what jogs you back to action? Do you feel you are participating in your own recovery? (Know what movie that line is from? "participating in my own recovery").
You know. Just writing this post has been very therapeutic for me. I'm hoping this feature has a spell check 'cause my ability to guess at words is the pits. hehe...
I couldn't find it quickly so used Word to verify and correct. some of the grammar is still wrong but I can live with that.
If you can't take a joke, you need a nap. Me.