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#427120 - 03/04/13 07:35 PM How do I figure out what is real?
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 196
I donít really have time for this. Iím trying to write this stupid essay that has to be in by Thursday and Iíve barely started (because I donít have a fucking clue). The whole thing is stressing me out. And this stuff wonít leave me alone. I keep drifting off into it.

I donít know how far back its normal to remember things? Lately Iíve been clearing out boxes that came from our old house and thereís all these diaries and stuff my dad wrote about me when I was really young. Every time I read one I think I remember what he was talking about, but I donít think I actually remember it. Its more like I can just picture myself doing whatever it was. This was from when I was maybe 2 or 3.

A couple of weeks ago I had this picture come into my mind, of when Iím about 4, where thereís my uncle and some other guy. I donít know if its like reading the stuff my dad wrote, like Iíve just made something up and now Iím imagining myself in that situation, so it feels real. Then recently I was reminded of something else that happened, so Iíve been thinking about that (not on purpose) and now Iím wondering if the two things have maybe got jumbled together?

A memory I had from age 4 that I always thought seemed a bit weird just slotted right in to the abusive memory. I always said my life was great up till age 10. What if everything I ever thought was a lie? My uncle did later abuse me. Like starting about age 14. Would he do something to me age 4 then do nothing for 10 years? He had plenty of access to me through that time. He was my coach and stuff. He was actually my idol all the time I was growing up. Even (stupidly) when the abusive stuff started. But he never seemed to like me. I always wondered what I did. Maybe itís something to do with what happened back then?

How would I know if a memory is real if itís something that happened so long ago? And since I donít think it affected me at the time should I just leave it alone? Itís hard now itís on my mind a lot though. Got to get back to essay writingÖ But thanks for reading.

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#427126 - 03/04/13 08:29 PM Re: How do I figure out what is real? [Re: txb]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey txb,

Sorry you are stressed with the essay deadline: you still have 36 hours, right?

Don't worry.

Just trust your gut and "live in the now"-take care of yourself and your needs in healthy ways that don't trigger you.

My therapist gave me excellent advice which works for me: focus on the things today that you can improve upon.

I can relate to the going through old boxes at my parent's hosue: I spent a lot of 2012 doing that and the house finally sold last month.

So much of my childhood makes more sense now that I trust my gut and have men around who support and understand me and can hear me out with my struggles and fears.

Good luck with your essay, ok? Just get the first draft out and revise and edit later!

(I used to be an editor... smile )
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#427132 - 03/04/13 09:26 PM Re: How do I figure out what is real? [Re: txb]
trytry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/13
Posts: 36
Loc: Wisconsin
Here's a few of the questions in a chapter of a book I've been reading, it talks about repressed memories and whether they were real or "made up".

Quote:
Does your intuition tell you that what you remember is or was real, no matter how hard you try to disbelieve it?

Does the memory keep returning, even after you try to forget it?

Does the memory "fit" with your habits, fears, behaviors, symptoms, health problems, or facts of your life as you know them?

Is your memory in certain aspects of the traumatic event clear?


These questions seemed to help reassure me, but you are the only one that can answer them, hopefully they help you too.

I know some people say "does it really matter if you remember all of it?" I think it does matter, we tried to forget for so many years, why would we not want to remember now so that we can accept that it happened and try to move past it. That's just my personal opinion tho.

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#427144 - 03/04/13 10:30 PM Re: How do I figure out what is real? [Re: txb]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Txb

If it can help. Although I know I was abused by one person when I was 10 and 12, another at 12, another several times from 13 through 14,etc. I do not remember anything more than the man who took pornographic pictures when I was 12 may have taken pictures when I was 4 or 5 with my underwear on my head. I remember the underwear on my head, sitting on the floor with my brothers. I don't remember why we were doing that.

My daughter was molested when she was 15. She only would meet with a counsolor a couple of times. Now she is 36, last year she remembered my father (her grand father)molesting her when she was "too young to know what was going on." She describes the couch, the room, the time period (Spring to early summer), the park outside, the fact that she was having nightmares and that I read to her and comforted her at that time. Did it really happen? The timing when all of these pieces fit together she would have been 7 years old.

"Believe the Children" How much detail do you have to have to Know it is real? None. What did it feel like. What did you feel like. Did you feel uncomfortable, used, "icky", scared, overwhelmed? Was there someone with you. Did you feel safe with them. Then believe yourself. You didn't get to feel like that without help - or you would have sought help from the someone who was with you!

I know there is some much effort to deny and minimize what happened. It is amazing any of us remember anything. When I disclosed to my parents, My mother asked if I enjoyed being penetrated. I said no it hurt. She said "Then you're O K"

Why would any of us remember if we didn't have to.


Edited by genedebs (03/04/13 10:33 PM)
Edit Reason: age of daughter

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#427178 - 03/05/13 07:34 AM Re: How do I figure out what is real? [Re: genedebs]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
Originally Posted By: genedebs
Txb
When I disclosed to my parents, My mother asked if I enjoyed being penetrated. I said no it hurt. She said "Then you're O K"


Wow. That may be an indication that she has her own issues. A lot of people do. But still, what an awful response.

My parents have never been any better. My mother has told me to my face that I am liar. Of course, she has always said horrible things to me so I should have seen that coming. But for some reason I never do. I keep holding on to the lie that if I am good enough, she will treat me well. Which is nuts. She's a bipolar who refuses treatment and was extremely verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me.

I don't mean to stray too much from the topic of this thread, but it does relate because what we believe is often thrown into doubt by people who claim to be able to read us better than we think we can read ourselves.

I think the answer is to trust our own instincts, and work on our memory in a way that is concentrated but not obsessive. I call it my "project" and set aside times to work on it that I call "sessions." And once a session is over, I tell myself to put it away again. For me at least, the memories grow more patient if I know I have set aside time later. If I keep trying to press them down forever though, they fight harder.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#427335 - 03/06/13 08:36 PM Re: How do I figure out what is real? [Re: Jacob S]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 196
Issues for sure. I'm really sorry for all of you whose parents had such terrible and unsupportive reactions. It seems like some people just donít know what to say so they end up saying something awful. Some of them purposely I guess, but I like to think most people are just clueless and donít mean it. Or i like to hope that anyway. I donít really have anything to do with my mother. Havenít lived with her since I was a baby. Iíve spent a lot time trying to make her say she is sorry for leaving, but she refuses to think she has done anything wrong. I hate that I just want her to like me. It makes me feel really pathetic. I donít even know if she knows what happened to me. I would guess my dad has told her. Sheís never mentioned anything about it to me though.

Thanks to everyone for replying. It was helpful. And my essay is finally done. Just got to fix up a few things tomorrow then I'll submit it. This is my first university level essay, so it's probably terrible. But I'm past caring now.

The whole thing kind of blew up. I was stressing about my essay and a friend of my dad said he might be able to help me, so I went over to his house this evening. But when I got there he was like, ďoh I donít know anything about this so I donít think I can help youĒ and I had to hang out there and listen to him bitch about everything and everyone for 2 hours because thatís when Iíd arranged for someone to come and get me. Then he had a phone call from THAT GUY Ė the one who I think did something to me, asking to come round and collect something. I remember him pretty clearly but I couldnít remember his name. As soon as my dad's friend said it I remembered it. So I knew he was coming over, but for some reason I didnít think anything of it. 15 minutes later he turned up. I heard his voice before I saw him and I was just like ahhh shitÖ. Got that feeling of going to pass out, and I wanted to grab my dadís friend and tell him everything right then (like really, I canít believe how much I felt like panic that I needed to tell him right NOW) but he came in and I had to talk to him and act all normal. He is old and fat now though, not like how I remember him but I pretty much tried to avoid looking at him. I donít think I would feel like that if nothing happened??? SoÖ now what? I donít know what Iím supposed to do now. I donít know what to do.

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#427357 - 03/07/13 01:47 AM Re: How do I figure out what is real? [Re: txb]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
TXB,

Having an abuser suddenly rematerialize in your life is only just about the worst nightmare of pretty much everybody here, give or take the death of a loved one. Your reaction was perfectly normal, insofar as it felt so horrible. I'm sorry it was forced upon you and hope for your sake you never have to see the creep again. Take care of yourself.... if you feel especially volatile or strange in the aftermath, don't dismiss it, don't be too proud to get help.

And do whatever is necessary to cut off future avenues of exposure. If that means avoiding ALL of your dad's friends - or telling them - whatever it takes so that guy can't just waddle into a room and paralyze you like that again.

Be strong,


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#427519 - 03/08/13 08:12 PM Re: How do I figure out what is real? [Re: SoccerStar]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 196
Thank you. Somehow overnight Iíd made him into a complete monster in my mind. But I canít believe how bad he looked. Like a scary drug addict, homeless person. Heís not. I think he has a wife now. My dadís friend asked him if heíd been working out and told me to check out his musclesÖ nooooo, I canít even look at him. But if thatís him AFTER working out then Iíd hate to see what he looked like before.

I was swinging between being scared to death and going round there with a baseball bat. Which I probably wonít because heís almost a foot taller and ten times fatter than me. But really, he should be scared of me. I havenít done anything wrong. He has. I want to know what he was thinking when he saw me. Did he remember what he did or was it so insignificant to him that he forgot?

I still donít know what to do. If I accuse another person Iím worried Iím going to look all attention seeking. People will be like jeez, who havenít you been abused by? People will think things about me. I donít want them to think Iím this puny weak little kid who has been abused by everyone, because Iím not. I donít think my dad could handle finding out any more stuff either. We still kinda hate each other after a big argument anyway. So Iím still deciding what to do next.

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#427657 - 03/10/13 02:35 PM Re: How do I figure out what is real? [Re: txb]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
TXB,

It is a sad fact that people often have multiple perps. The first one sets up a "baseline" of certain reactions, vulnerabilities, boundary control, and later people along that bent can and do pick up on it. It doesn't even have to be sexual: I'm certain I was targeted for "conventional" bullying because my CSA had inclined me to be very jumpy, nervous, and passive. There are other guys here with far worse stories. Some say later perps can just see it in the eyes.

Face your own truths - then see if others can deal with them. Be ready to educate them if they can't.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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