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#427448 - 03/08/13 06:43 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Guys

I have just been sitting back taking this all in. Wow. We ARE a bunch if boys running around in cool Man Suits aren't we. laugh

For everyone that posted here - THANK YOU. I can relate to everything you have said and I feel like I am in good company.

I still do the double take in the mirror sometimes .... mostly because I always have facial hair of some description and I don't think of myself as having a hairy face. Even though I started shaving at 13 and had a goatee at 16. BTW I have always wondered if I am hiding behind it - if that is something 'we' do.

Originally Posted By: Jacob S
I still think of myself as a boy, but I have this cool MAN costume I get to wear that makes people think I'm all grown up.
Me too - Awesome!

Originally Posted By: Will
Of course the appearance belies my boyish sense of humor and general goofiness. Sometimes I feel like others don't take me seriously at times because I act young---not immature, but exuberant.

Yep - I get that a lot.

Originally Posted By: DavoSwim
However, on the inside, I feel like time has stood still.
(I'm nodding)

Thanks again guys

Lee
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More than meets the eye!

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#427449 - 03/08/13 06:45 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
This is classic dissociation, and I am there too.

This is our psyches detaching from our bodies at the time of our abuse, so that part of our inner selves feel trapped in amber at the age we were when the abuse happened, even as our bodies age.

Therefore, when those two parts of us encounter each other -- our young psychic selves meeting our current-age physical selves -- there's a moment of disconnect.

Recovery, or part of recovery anyway, is growing into this meat suit we keep packing around, becoming one with our physical selves.
Very insightful - kind of what I thought was happenning but good the way you put it.

Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon
Sometimes it even seems weird to me that I have a car, and a job, and that I have my own place and pay bills and taxes.
Yes me too! Just add the wife and kids

Originally Posted By: genedebs
Yeah, I am now engaging with me. The person who survived not the one who performed as an adult making decisions like whether the college money should be used during the period of my father's unemployment when I was 14, not the monster I thought I was if I ever lost control and expressed the rage I felt, not the parent, son, husband, student, organizer, politician, or whatever role I was supposed to play. Me, I have never thought I existed and have not permitted him to come out for at least the last 43 years.

So I don't know if he is young, but I am scared, Iam needy, I don't know what I am supposed to do, I know I am not very good with my hands or my car or sports, etc. etc.

You know I get this too. In a lot of ways I feel like I had to grow up too soon and I didn't actually have a childhood (that is another story) and I have always felt I was 'pretending' or 'acting' the part I was supposed to play through out life - so much so that I don't even know who I am anymore.

Lee
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#427450 - 03/08/13 06:46 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon again
Originally Posted By: traveler

the thing i still find startling, however, is that often when i am with other guys, i will defer to them as if they are older, wiser, stronger, more skilled or experienced - even if they are considerably younger than me - especially if it something that involves mechanics, sports or other "manly" things that i am not good at. it is as if i feel like a child in the presence of men - and afraid of being found out - like i have no right to be included. i am always shocked when someone offers me respect as a competent adult.


Ditto, ditto, ditto. Another post expressing something that sounds exactly like it came out of my head.

Ditto here too.

Originally Posted By: JayBro
How can be overcome our self-fear and displacement? Why is it hard to accept the natural changes our bodies make through age? Why are we disassociated?
All very good questions! I'm going to have a crack at them. Maybe we need to introduce our young self to our current self (the whole inner child thing). Maybe that has something to do with it. I think it is hard to accept the aging process because our minds are 'trapped' by the trauma of CSA (in amber). As a boy we shut down to some degree mentally or emotionally because the shock/pain was too much for our young self to handle. Maybe that shutting down separated us from our bodies. Just thinking out loud.

Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
I've started so many replies to this thread, but I've never posted because I'm not sure if it's the same...
I think it is the same thing.

Thanks again guys

Lee
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More than meets the eye!

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#427452 - 03/08/13 06:56 AM Re: Man Hands [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: Still
I posted before here that I cannot even get to words out of my mouth to "call myself a man."
Still I am so shocked by this. The qualities I see in you through your posts I would call nothing less than manly. BTW - my son saw your avatar on my screen and said 'that boy looks cool'. smile I said 'yes he is'.

---------------------

I won't quote you all cause this is just getting silly but BraveFalcon, Suwanee and Traveler. I get even the pubes thing. My dad used to torment me about my hairiness. I had pubes and man tackle at 10 and I trimmed them too. I was hairier than him everywhere else at 13. (must have come from mum's side of the family). I felt like my body was betraying me. My hair changed from blonde to brown. Also at 10 I thought I started to get a monobrow so I shaved between my eyebrows - the full width of a razor. It looked ridiculous and there was NO HIDING what I had done. I don't really have one now so it must have been in my head.

I have to confess that even today I am prone to the odd bit of manscaping. blush

Lee
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#427612 - 03/09/13 08:45 PM Re: Man Hands [Re: genedebs]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 313
Loc: NY

When I was very young, I remember having this recurrent daydream (the boy in amber). There was this little man carved into a cave inside one of my fingers. I could watch him move around and I knew that he was there. He was naked, but not quite like a baby. I felt like a giant carrying him around. Now, he doesn't seem to be in my finger anymore. he seems to want to be in all of my body. But sometimes I hold him back.

Originally Posted By: genedebs

The person have always been is an old fart. I don't know yet who me is, but he hasn't been around long enough to be as tired as the old man in my body is.


This is the way I have also felt for 35 years. As I connect to the real me, I don't quite know what to do with the old man or the giant who was carrying the little boy around.

Just as I try to listen to my young son, I try to listen to my own boy inside, so that he can feel at home and at peace in the man. I'm hoping that with time, the tired way I feel like an old man might let go little by little. He is very, very, very tired.

Most of all, I want the boy in me to keep talking. I want him to know that me, the man, will listen, that he always has my ear. Somehow, for so many years, he never knew what to say.
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