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#426868 - 03/01/13 04:20 PM Checked-out
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
I came here some two years ago to find support; then left this place for a long time because it was too emotionally disturbing to read all these stories.

My spouse finally started therapy and the plan was that I'd also see the (same) counselor and eventually we would do couple therapy. So far so good; and I'm happy he's finally looking after himself.
The problem is, it has taken too long, I've entered a stage where I just accept that I'm in this relationship because that's the way it is. I go from day to day without caring much about it any more.
We don't argue, we don't fight. We continue our daily life as if nothing ever happened. He goes to therapy and the deal was that I won't ask any questions.
Our intimate life is totally gone and while I do feel attracted to other men, I have no wish anymore to get involved with my own.
I have mentally checked out of this relationship.
That's what I noticed when he went on a business trip for a week and it was as if I could breath again, noticed that I don't miss him, don't want him around me.

But I feel that I'm not being fair because from his point of view he's done so much, he's working on getting well.

Anyone else hit this kind of wall? What did you do? How can I cope with this?

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#426895 - 03/01/13 11:31 PM Re: Checked-out [Re: Shawushka]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I live in fear of feeling this way. I am sorry you are in this situation.

Have you ever read "Getting the Love You Want"? My only recommendation could be to read that book and then maybe find an IMAGO relationship therapist and give that a spin to see if it changes your outlook.

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#428154 - 03/15/13 02:41 PM Re: Checked-out [Re: Shawushka]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Thanks for the suggestion. I've only looked at their site, but it doesn't look like that's something applicable to my situation. It seems to be more directed at couples who fight and/or people who constantly chose the wrong partner.

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#428215 - 03/16/13 09:27 AM Re: Checked-out [Re: Shawushka]
Jemma Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 17
Loc: England
Personally, I know that my feelings for my spouse have changed a lot. I don't love him as much as I did because of betrayals, its hard to feel the same about him even though I know the reason why it happened. We've talked about it and as a couple we're trying to spend lots of time together to try to regain the feelings we had for each other at the beginning, that spark. Its helping.

I always wanted to be with him, but I know what you mean about him being away and you could breathe. I felt exactly the same when he went away for a night on business. It was such a relief to be on my own, and such a strain when he came back.

Its early days for me, only a few months and I'm already feeling weary by it all because I feel guilty when I express my grief about the infidelities when he's trying to deal with his own abuse issues.

Its very tough, and the sad reality is that sometimes love dies and its time to move on.

Take care

Jemma



Edited by Jemma (03/16/13 09:29 AM)

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#428312 - 03/17/13 05:48 PM Re: Checked-out [Re: Shawushka]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Shawushka - I don't think Imago is about fighting, I think it is about finding purpose in our relationships. And that is kind of what I am saying to you, is there a purpose left in your relationship? My recommendation was only to help you answer that question for yourself.

Feelings come and go and are the result of thoughts. You are on here asking this question because you are questioning your feelings and your thoughts - and that is a triumph. Taking a pulse check if you will. It could be that things are broken for you and they can not be repaired. Or it could be that this is a phase that you are passing through. And, regardless, you get to make your own choices about your life and what makes you happy.

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#430221 - 04/05/13 02:21 PM Re: Checked-out [Re: Shawushka]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Jemma, what you write hits a nerve with me very much. Although I may get more 'me time' than I long for, cause I'm moving back home and my spouse will stay behind for a year to finish his work contract. It's weird, all he talks about is how he'll miss me and all I think about is how relieved I will feel to be on my own. But in general I believe it will do me good, not just because I get time on my own but also because I will finally live in a place where I actually want to live and where I have a legal status.

Esposa, you've got a point when you talk about 'taking pulse' but the site you suggested just didn't do it for me.

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