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#426655 - 02/27/13 08:22 AM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: KAL
but one night a month just to give it a break wouldn't hurt.

KAL, don't you think he would give that to you if he could?
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#426663 - 02/27/13 09:30 AM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: crazy gecko]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
To KAL: Just my feelings & experiences: I hate to see that you are suffering too, (we do that when we care) Job 1: you must take care of yourself , if he is seeing T 2x's wk, maybe you could see a T AND find some meetings 2x's a wk, put YOUR oxygen mask on 1st or you cannot help another, sometimes I have to just tell my H that I love him & I am here when he needs me (he does that for me too) sometimes space & time-out is more helpful than sitting in our do-do, get out of ourselves! (I love just watching the dog park)be there for him but do not push, I ask my HP to take it, he will open up when Ready & it's not easy waiting... For us, so much has improved & (for 2 survivors!) it hasn't been on 'my schedule' but looking back it has happened! I hate that word Process - but it just is, darn.....
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#426679 - 02/27/13 01:14 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
Where does that leave someone like me in the whole mess?

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#426686 - 02/27/13 01:56 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
KAL: It leaves you taking care of yourself, 1st& foremost! He must find his way & I hope it is swift. You are the 1 with control over yourself right now, so go to meetings, but books, talk to a T who does CSA folks and keep talking/asking here. You may want to tell him that you are availabe for any discussions but when they are in a calm manner. Screaming gets us no where. I am sorry to say it may be another slow process but if you can accept that, you are ahead of the curve. YOU must take care of YOU or you can't help another person. FYI: most good T's see another T for their own well being ! That says a LOT !
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#426783 - 02/28/13 03:21 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
You have demonstrated a remarkable amount of strength, patience, and love in your posts. As hard as it on him right now I know you are shouldering quite a bit yourself. From what I have read the so called rate of recovery varies widely from survivor to survivor depending on the nature of the abuse itself (relationship with abuser, length of abuse, etc.), his life situation (family, job, etc.), his support network (partners like you, therapist, etc.), and ultimately his desire and resolve to recover. For me I went from a borderline agoraphobic emotional mess to someone who could go places again, meet new people, get back to some daily tasks in about 6 months. This is not to say everything is back to "normal" per se but certainly more normal and I should add it was and still is a slow, gradual process.

This being said I want to affirm what others have said in this thread regarding you. Taking care of yourself first and foremost as Wife Survivor says is absolutely right and actually essential to your ability to help. Your happiness matters too and as much as I want to tell you you are a week out from clear waters I cannot do so. All I can do is echo what others have suggested in that you find ways that help you cope with the situation, including and especially taking time for yourself. Your personal pursuits, needs, and joys are not a source of pain for him - that responsibility falls on his abuser - so you need not feel bad about it.

Most importantly, thank you. THANK YOU. No matter what happens your bravery, understanding, and compassion are to be commended by all not in spite of the serious struggle and personal anguish you admit here but precisely because of them.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#426798 - 02/28/13 08:37 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
There was some really positive headway made yesterday. I took the day off of work to go see him. He wasn't in a place where he wanted to see anyone but he let me come anyway. I cried (sweetly) we talked (nicely) he agreed with all of my points and said he considered himself lucky that he has someone that cares so much about his well being and he has already booked an appt. with a doc. concerning one of our discussion topics. We spent some wonderful couple time, we went to a movie (his suggestion), had a cocktail at a very romantic rooftop bar, spent the evening together and had a lovely breakfast this morning before he went to his T appt. Everything felt like it used to be. He apparently brought up a few things we talked about to his T and I got a text from him this afternoon telling me that he loved me (he never talks to me on T days so that was kinda big). I feel that this is a victory. This has brought me out of the doldrums and out to greener, sunnier pastures. I have lots of hope now. Thank you all for listening to my cries of woe and thank you for your constructive advice which I will probably heed when the moment arises. Hopefully we'll have some happier posts! I have learned, above all, that there comes a time to listen and obey and there comes a time to push and be heard. Let's just hope I can always decipher those moments successfully.

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