Was just reading a survivor story here on this site & now I'm feeling intense hatred & anger. Along with that is a massive urge to go visit the place it all happened! (was a thread on here about that subject not too long ago)... I don't even think that the building still exists, but I know exactly where it was & I want to go. Luckily there is a snow storm going on right now, that will keep me home today.

It's good to be in touch with your feelings and be able to identify them. Good post, Pirate.

Cant

I kind of know what you mean...sometimes I want to return there as well, Sesame Place...but I don't see the reason for it. Besides, it would be weird for an adult man to being there. I guess it didn't send off any alarms back then. Too bad.

Another thot, too, LP. Anything come up with the T?

Unfortunately, the new T had car trouble yesterday & had to re-schedule. Looks like Friday afternoon now maybe. What a bummer!

I remember myself when I got intensively triggered or during feelings of depression i'd try to slam my head with the abuse. i can't visit the place, but I did use youtube to look up some of the most triggering music that I heard every morning before going off to school where stuff happened and which frequently played or was sung during the abuse, I also used to subject myself to the smell of cigarette smoke and cheap perfume.

for me, this was always about unishment, a sort of mental and emotional self harm quite as real as if I'd slashed myself with a knife. On the other hand, Since depression usually caused me to close off and feel gnumb, indeed when i am triggered my overriding reaction is to freeze and retreat, attempting to trigger myself was always sort of a way of recalling the actual pain of the abuse, allowing myself to feel something that I wouldn't normally.

so, sometimes it was a helpfull thing, often it wasn't, it just depended upon my state and evaluation at the time. usually whether it was was shown how I reacted, since after listening to that music or smelling cigarettes I'd either go and listen to some more uplifting music, cry and feel myself clensed, or just feel even more gnum than before.

I'm not sure which way this is for you pirate if indeed it is similar at all, I'm just sharing.

Dear Pirate

I can not imagine anything triggering me to return to ny of the sites of my abuse. I have a dozen experiences (such as simply walking into a basement) which will trigger the memories. Or in somecases the startle reaction or the gut wrenching fear reaction.

I don't k if the triggeres will ever pass, but my reactions to them are no longer overwhelming. For me at least the anger is less violent.

May God be with you as you continue the journey.

Thank you guys.