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#423223 - 01/25/13 05:08 PM My Brother.
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 165
Loc: Ohio
I've realized something huge. Up until now I thought of CSA as my number one issue, like if I fixed it, I'd be healed. But I was missing a whole part that I've not talked much about. My brother and the physical and emotion abuse he caused me growing up. You see, he's number two. And I think I can lump my brother and my cousin both into similar categories, since a lot of CSA Survivors also endure violence and emotional attacks. I always wondered why I can relate so well to people who tell me about being beaten and raped by someone older than them, and I think that's because if I combine the rape from my cousin and the terror my older brother caused me, together they form an almost identical psychological response. I know the feeling of terror, but I never gave it much value because I thought my problems stemmed solely from my cousin and CSA. But my brother terrorized me growing up. And I'm just realizing the impact he had on me growing up when combined to the fact that my cousin was raping me. I experienced sexual, physical, and emotional abuse growing up as a child, with NOBODY to protect me, in fact I relied on my abuser to protect me.

You see, it wasn't my CSA that caused my night terrors and sleepless nights. The EXTREME and uttermost fear I've ever felt in my life, it was my brother. I'd have nightmares, so fucking real, I couldn't distinguish them from reality, and the fear I felt was the greatest fear of my life. This, all this terror, stems from my brother. My brother physically abused me as a kid, he terrorized me, bullied me all the time. He'd threaten my life at times. I don't actually remember much of the early abuse, but I remember one time he slammed my face into the wall and left teeth imprints in the wall. Another time he just let his friends beat me up, all of them 7 or more years older than me, just throwing me against a wall continuously and I remember having to jump up to punch them in their face and it was like it did nothing to them. I felt powerless. And this was in my own home, and nobody did anything to protect things like this from happening. My brother was a drug addict, but even before that, he was abusive. But it got so much worse when he was on drugs and dealt them too. I can't begin to describe the impact drugs had on my family. Random people just coming in the house at all times, people nobody else knew, I don't even think my brother knew them. I remember his rages, I remember him physically fighting my dad. I remember things like walking in on him looking dead because he had too much heroine, I remember seeing him snort coke, and I was threatened not to tell or else. But my parents knew anyways. I remember school nights trying to sleep hearing him screaming and yelling at my parents threatening them over menial things. I remember thinking some day he might kill me or my parents, some day I might have to kill my own brother to protect myself or my parents. I threw all of this aside and concentrated on the CSA as the only real problem I had, but that wasn't even the beginning. I hate my brother so much I wish I could kill him, and if I was allowed, I would. I don't even hate my rapist, my sexual abuser, Curtis that much. My brother played a huge role in the damages in my psyche, but he also played a huge role into the beginning of my CSA. He is as much a part of my CSA as my own abuser.

Now I'll tell you those dreams I had. Those nightmares, the night terrors. Because he was a drug dealer, I often saw his desperation. I feared he'd owed some drug lord money and they'd kill our family. That how my night terrors because, and they just got worse and worse. They lasted a whole year, and I can NOT describe to you the fear, the terror, the horror I experienced those nights. I was fearful of the night, I was fearful of sleep. I'm sure CSA and other things in my life attributed to these night terrors, but it began because of my brother, he was the seed of all my fear. (I'll also touch a sec on the fact that my brother Chase was much the same as my uncle Dave, my abuser's (cousin, Curtis) step-father).

Now my brother is much worse, the drugs ruined his brain. He's paranoid schizophrenic, and he thinks the family wants to destroy him. He's become more threatening, more deceptive, more evil. He no longer is in contact with me because my parents FINALLY began to protect me from him just this year. Something I thought was impossible, I thought they'd never ever ever protect me from him. But I fear for my parents. He abuses them so god damn horribly emotionally, he says horrible things to them, the meanest things a mother and father could hear from their own son. I see it eating them alive, my parents can't handle it, along with my other disabled brother and our financial situation, they're in crisis.

I need to say something with as much honesty and seriousness as fucking possible. I hate the fucking living life force and essence the guts of my god damned brother so fucking much if I had the chance I would beat the living shit out of his and kill him for the way he treated me, the way he treated my family and the way he treats my parents. And don't dare anybody try and tell me oh it's the drugs, that's his excuse, no it's fucking not, he's dirt, he's shit, he's the fucking dog shit you step in while walking in a park and get pissed off at and scape the shit off and throw it in the garbage. He's lower than that. I WANT HIM DEAD. I WANT HIM DEAD. I WANT HIM DEAD. I gave him countless chances, my parents gave him countless chances, and his luck is up. He is not my brother anymore, he is dog shit to me. All of this, and he has the audacity to blame US for his problems, HE BLAMES US FOR HIM BEING WORTHLESS SHIT. Like he never did anything to deserve anything bad happen to him. That right there gets under my skin so fucking deep, I fantasize about telling him how much he ruined my life and killing him.

(Just a disclaimer, I am not going to kill my brother, unless I have to in self defense or in the defense of my parents.)

Looking back, I made myself, I had nobody. I fucking MADE myself. I was forsaken by even god himself, so I built myself from ground up. I raised myself alone, only learning from other's mistakes. (At least it FEELS that way)


Edited by CloudyFalls (01/25/13 10:07 PM)
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#423229 - 01/25/13 08:19 PM Re: My Brother. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
CloudyFalls you are one hell of a strong person to have survived all that.

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#423309 - 01/26/13 06:33 PM Re: My Brother. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 110
Loc: Pacific
I'm so sorry you had to live with such hell at home, Cloudy. I can relate; I was also physically abused, terrorized, and emotionally destroyed by my brother as a child, while our parents stood by and did nothing. He would break down my bedroom door with a butchers knife in his hand during his rages, beat and rape me. I also hate my brother intensely, and he's been the subject of many of my nightmares. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you hate him and want him dead.

But you can't possibly be responsible for your parents situation and safety. They after all did raise him and thus contributed to him being the way he is, while you did not. Personally, I was so relieved once I no longer had to hear him about him at all, once he no longer existed as far as I was concerned, and anyone he may be hurting was well outside of my sphere. You should have been protected from the beginning, you shouldn't even have to hear his name spoken ever again.

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#423330 - 01/27/13 01:26 AM Re: My Brother. [Re: CloudyFalls]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3214
Loc: back in the USA
Hey, CF -

the first time istarted to read this ... i just couldn't do it. i guess i was anticipating a trigger and had to get prepared for it. now i've read it a coupel of times and want to tell you that i know what you mean. i had verbal, physical and sexual abuse as well - and it is a confusing and complicated mess to try to sort out.

Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
I've realized something huge. Up until now I thought of CSA as my number one issue, like if I fixed it, I'd be healed. But I was missing a whole part that I've not talked much about. My brother and the physical and emotion abuse he caused me growing up. You see, he's number two. And I think I can lump my brother and my cousin both into similar categories, since a lot of CSA Survivors also endure violence and emotional attacks. I always wondered why I can relate so well to people who tell me about being beaten and raped by someone older than them, and I think that's because if I combine the rape from my cousin and the terror my older brother caused me, together they form an almost identical psychological response. I know the feeling of terror, but I never gave it much value because I thought my problems stemmed solely from my cousin and CSA. But my brother terrorized me growing up. And I'm just realizing the impact he had on me growing up when combined to the fact that my cousin was raping me. I experienced sexual, physical, and emotional abuse growing up as a child, with NOBODY to protect me, in fact I relied on my abuser to protect me.


this is a big realization for you and i can see why you didn't at first connect them. for me, all types of abuse came from the same source - the step-father - but it still took me a long time to figure it out. (there were other perps later, but that is another part of the story.) that's why it was so mixed up in my mind and feelings - the different kinds of abuse kept spilling over into other categores so that i couldn't tell one from the other. the verbal taunts sometimes turned sexual and the physical punishments had that same edge to them sometimes. it took me a long time to admit that - i had been abused - i guess i thought that it meant something bad about me - and then even longer to recognize that all 3 kinds of abuse had been present.

Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
You see, it wasn't my CSA that caused my night terrors and sleepless nights. The EXTREME and uttermost fear I've ever felt in my life, it was my brother. I'd have nightmares, so fucking real, I couldn't distinguish them from reality, and the fear I felt was the greatest fear of my life.
...
I felt powerless. And this was in my own home, and nobody did anything to protect things like this from happening.


i too had night terrors - and can still remember the helplessness and total panic that they brought on. what made it worse was that the one responsible for the terror was the same one trying to get me to come back to reality. and it was like - what is the difference? i remember one time i was almost out of the "dream" state - and deliberately choosing to escape back into that unreality because the objective waking reality seemed even worse to me. NO kid should ever have to endure that. my heart goes out to you because though the details are different, the results are the same.

Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
My brother played a huge role in the damages in my psyche, but he also played a huge role into the beginning of my CSA. He is as much a part of my CSA as my own abuser.


i believe that. i can tell no difference between the fear and damaged self-esteem and self-loathing and insecurity and anger and whatever other effects were produced by one type of abuse or another.

Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
Looking back, I made myself, I had nobody. I fucking MADE myself. I was forsaken by even god himself, so I built myself from ground up. I raised myself alone, only learning from other's mistakes. (At least it FEELS that way)


i have felt that way too, in the not so distant past. i think it is a step in your recovery that you are giving yourself some credit for surviving and overcoming some of the overwhelming odds that were against you. you are a survivor and deserve to take some satisfaction from that.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#423527 - 01/29/13 06:29 AM Re: My Brother. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Johnmichael Offline


Registered: 01/29/13
Posts: 1
Hi Guys, new guy here...CloudyFalls I relate to your story. Most of my hatred towards my brother has been uleashed on him, yes I still hate him more than I ever imagined possible, but when I confronted him, that is where my anger was unleashed. Distance did not allow face to face...I am in B.C. and he's in Saskatchewan, but a phone call and a letter stating that I never want to have any contact with him at all sure helped me at the time to feel some sort of power. He tried to plead for me not to tell the family, I told him that was not possible and that everyone...including his daughter will know in due time. Him, I did not care about, but the remainder of my siblings and neices and nephews need to be told face to face...at least for me. My abuse started very young...4 or 5 years...shit, maybe even 3! I remember having these re-occuring nightmares where I would have a half man half Zebra, or Mynotaur sitting on my stomach...they were always naked. I have been trying to figure out who that was, but I have a suspicion that it was my father, never see "his" face but the feeling of complete terror was the same terror I had when he called me into my parents bedroom...him drunk as usual and the terror that I have mentioned was only when I had the "monsters" sitting on me and the second last time I saw my father...the one who raped my brother and who was told that if he told anyone, that he would kill Mom, our eldest sister (who was also raped by him) that is when my brother started. When I was old enough to tell him no...he would say "do as I say or I will tell mom what you have been doing" I was a slave to him, I could not tell anyone...Knowing that I was gay did not help either...if he did tell mom it would be because I was gay and would be thrown out and never see my family again! That is what I thought for all of those years.
Fast forward 27 years...here's me thinking that I had dealt with all of the abuse I had been put through when during a massage, all of it comes pouring out all at once...things that I had buried so deep that it really was too much information all at once. Coming clean with my yoga instructor (the woman that had given me my massage) and telling her of what I had remembered ...I was in seeing my first therapist a week later...that was over a year ago. I am lucky enough to be in a men's group that meets once a week...have to say that things are getting better...would not have thought possible not long ago.
I have hope that things will be getting a lot easier for me.

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