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#423185 - 01/25/13 08:27 AM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Hi Jacob,

Maybe your wife has some co-dependent tendencies and she liked it before when you relied more on her?

Now that you're dealing with your past, she could feel threatened that you need her less -- hence the blind rage hurled in your direction.

Just a thought. Take care of yourself first.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423249 - 01/26/13 03:35 AM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 591
I really do think its more about her feeling so sad that she didn't know what to do with it except lash out. She does have a hard time expressing the emotion of sadness. Its something we've always worked on. She comes from a very loving family, but her father died when she was young and that led to a long period in her life where it seemed to her like everyone around her was "better" if she never seemed sad, because they were already so sad. So because of that she has a hard time expressing sadness, and the things I have been telling her are indeed very sad.

we had another good talk tonight. Neither of us want to sweep this under the rug, but at the same time we are committed to dealing with it as a team vs. the pain rather than vs. each other.



Edited by Jacob S (01/26/13 03:36 AM)
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#423383 - 01/27/13 05:03 PM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 591
Her comment became a real catalyst for a wave of painful flashbacks like I have never had before. The issue isn't her vs. me anymore, now its me vs. my past and whether I can tell her what has been going on with me for the past week without overwhelming her again.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#423388 - 01/27/13 05:42 PM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Oh, man. We know all about flashback catalysts.

Hang in there, brother.

We're here if you need us.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#423390 - 01/27/13 06:35 PM Re: My wife told me she is glad I was abused [Re: Jacob S]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
hi, Jacob -

Originally Posted By: Jacob S
Her comment became a real catalyst for a wave of painful flashbacks like I have never had before.


yup - it's hard not to get further polarized when that happen. you are doing well in that respect if you can keep a cool head - at least outwardsly - and not alienate the two of you even more. too easy to lash back or withdraw into isolation - a hard lesson learned for me.

Originally Posted By: Jacob S
The issue isn't her vs. me anymore, now its me vs. my past and whether I can tell her what has been going on with me for the past week without overwhelming her again.


glad you are on the same "side" now - more or less. you can take it slow and easy - make general comments - like - "i got triggered" or "had a bad flashback" or "something brought up some difficult memories." you don't have to go into detail. if she seems able to handle it - you can always fill in more - but can stop whenever you need to - for both of your sakes.

my wife is in an awkward place of inconsistent tension - pulled back and forth between wanting to know everything - and being afraid to face it all - or not able to handle all the ramifications. that's the hard part for me - it's not "just the facts, m'am." there are so many consequences that neither she nor i are comfortable to explore. i know what it all means but she would have a tough time grasping everything at this point. and i am afraid the too graphic revelations would undo a lot of progress. so we remain in an uneasy equilibrium...

hang in there, man. you have good instincts - i'm sure you will find you way.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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