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#422362 - 01/17/13 10:10 AM Like a Fkt-Up-Duck
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
If icky is a feeling, I've got it!

My daily, practicle life is for sht! I live on a budget so paired-down, Obama should hire me as a consultant...cuz I can't make the obligations either.

People in my life seem to be treating me like a collassal loser. I read "why are you Still screwy" on their faces.

My Psychiatrist (that's the full MD-type dude) suggested I "don't think about it so much." Actually, he TOLD me to not "think about it so much." This was yesterday, after reporting how the meds are working these days and that my nightmares and night-time flashbacks are Still so severe that I'm Still pissing myself on occasion.

I sleep with a large hefty trash bag under between my fitted sheet and the mattress for fk-sake....and this guy is telling me to think of other things!

I drove out of his parking lot fully stunned: Seven-years of CSA, 15-years of physical violence, 20 years and substance abuse, self harm and debilitating depression. An 18 year marriage, kids, 2 homes, a rock-star career...all gone cuz I could not hold it all together. My mind melted-down and I lost everything.

I don't feel entitled to even be me, let alone to be heard, be in recovery, have PTSD and DID.

What do you do when everything you feared and thought was true about you, is continually confirmed as "true." I'll tell you what I do...I believe it to be true.

Not only does it quack, walk and swim like a duck, but people look at it, throw rocks at it and shoot at it like its a duck. So I'm to conclude........what?


Edited by Still (01/17/13 10:12 AM)
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

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#422366 - 01/17/13 11:01 AM Re: Like a Fkt-Up-Duck [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1249
Loc: kansas
...


Edited by Obi (05/05/13 11:30 AM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#422370 - 01/17/13 11:16 AM Re: Like a Fkt-Up-Duck [Re: Still]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
I can relate very much to this.

The duck in my story is retarded and can't see. It bumbles along and bumps into others, making them annoyed. "Oh. Excuse me. Oops. Excuse me. Sowwy." That's me.

I never had a rock star career. I never had any family. I never met anyone who wanted to spend any real legnth of time with me. No kids.

No connection to anyone.

I was born with severe hearing loss and crossed eyes. Sports are out of the question. I have no social graces about me; I've never had a circle of friends. And the only close intimate relationships I've had in the past were severely dysfunctional with people who were trying to 'save' me. I'm grateful for that, but I was abusive to them, and didn't see a good thing until it was gone.

I'm a total loner. I don't connect to anyone. I am chronically lonely all the time. Once a romantic prospect starts finding out who I am, they bail. All of them.

Here's how pathetic my life is:

I've never had a 1st kiss.
I've never held a lover's hand.
I've never traveled anywhere. I don't like going place by myself.

I feel like a retarded little duck bumbling through life, wondering "What the fuck for?"

So yeah. I can relate.

I hate my pathetic retarded little life. I might have a small measly career and some savings saved up, but without anyone to share it with, it's all for shit. There's no worth.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#422647 - 01/19/13 04:01 PM Re: Like a Fkt-Up-Duck [Re: Still]
A270465 Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 49
Loc: SE Mich
Read my tag line sir...
there are more like us.
_________________________
BrokenLeg@2 EarCutoff@5 RanOver@7 UnanethesizedSurgeries@8 rapedfrom10to11 Dysfunction&Druguse@12 Crime@13 Dotdotdot Violence Jail@18Escaped Prison@19GladiatorSchool Max@20 Supermax@21 HellEnsues THROWNbacktothestreets@26 MarriedWKids@28 HeardofCptsd@33
Seeking help
And the days tick by all the same

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#422709 - 01/20/13 10:34 AM Re: Like a Fkt-Up-Duck [Re: Still]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 262
Loc: MO
To Still

You are still working on how to continue to abuse yourself.
You somehow were able to organize your survival around some success. But, instead of seeing the unusual experience of success earlier in your life, you see the crash from that success to your currwent "icky" state.

Now you have a psychiatrist who either is committed to cognitive behavioral therapy, or has no experience working with trauma victims. Either way, if you are interested in healing you need a different therapist.

All of are stories are different and each of us is the same.

The meltdown I believe was inevitABLE. Would it happen after you quit or as part of your addiction (substance abuse)? Probably, but one way or another it would happen. Your trauma will catch up with you and if it isn't healed it wil cause a meltdown. Unable to make an adequate living, continuing to battle with self sabatage and/or self mutilation, interference with cognitive function, and emotional instability. I crashed at 47 - 1996, five years after I got sober. But I didn't acknowledge it until and accept diability until 2006.

Today, I do a lot of work on my recovery and have now given up my psychotic delusions, but that has lead to my experience of the emotions of my childhood. It is a very difficult period.


Edited by genedebs (01/20/13 10:36 AM)

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