Newest Members
mojo, James M, FredM88, Vermona, Jas52
12111 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
chrisH (34), Malaki619 (32), worcester2003 (51)
Who's Online
3 registered (I Want 2 Thrive, 2 invisible), 60 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12111 Members
73 Forums
62498 Topics
438049 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Topic Options
#421059 - 01/05/13 12:52 AM PTSD and Walking Away from Stuff
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey guys, this has to do with PTSD and simply walking out on bad situations. There are two parts to it.

Early in my codep recovery, I learned to set personal boundaries and stick to them. It helped considerably. People who were arrogant, bullying or otherwise disrespectful to me didn't last too long around me. That went for various parents and family who had been abusive, some acquaintances and some clients. Many years later that's mostly a good thing and, for me, a positive form of exercising some control over my life.

Having just been diagnose by my T with PTSD in the past year I've come to realize I'm good at it because it dials down the noise of dealing with others' issues. (Frankly, when I was young, having experienced multiple divorces as an only child, I felt most at ease and most into my creative mojo by myself). I'd really enjoyed, however, group sports prior to the CSA. Even as an adult, I'd particularly enjoyed my 12-step Al-Anon/codep groups and even a running club, though not the petty cliques that sometime formed.

In short, my tolerance for bullshit is short. But it's felt balanced. There's stuff I can't do anything about...bad drivers, rude store clerks, etc. Whatever.

I recently blew off a friend of ten years experiencing a codep mid-life crises for a year-and-a-half with a crack head. Got sick of listening to it. And I'm impatient when my biological mother a codep herself hovers, worries incessantly about things she can do nothing about, and hooks into everyone's personal "disasters". She knows I won't listen to it.

Professionally, though, I'm wondering. With nary a second thought, I've dumped slow-pay clients or those who have meltdowns unrelated to the project at hand. And, yeah, that hurts income. But I feel as though I can't get through to people like that. They're completely unresponsive and unwilling to act reasonably. Win-win is a mystery to them. Rather than stress out, I walk out.

Here's the second part. I've recently dumped two sites I've used for 7-10 years for photo sales because their screeners have made irrational technical or "policy" demands directly contradictory to images already in the databases. Some have engaged in snotty, juvenile behavior which is ignored by the administrators. You know how a gang of high school girls acts? That' s pretty much it. Therefore, in the past month, since I can't do anything about them, I dumped them both. I have to admit to myself, that's gonna hurt my Interweb presence.

What bothers me though it may be the economy is that in all these cases, personal and professional, there isn't much that comes in to fill the space created. Perhaps I'm just impatient.

A couple questions. For those of us with PTSD, sound like you? And how much bullshit do people normally tolerate?

#421065 - 01/05/13 01:37 AM * [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:48 PM)

#421071 - 01/05/13 01:54 AM Re: PTSD and Walking Away from Stuff [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Oh, go figure one of my Best MS Buds is right there for me. Thnx Gary.

I have to admit, since you brought it up, there's still a satisfaction value to it. And it usually takes care of shit...i.e., they'll go pick on someone easier.

When I moved in here a few years ago a neighbor family made it clear they were going to be a pain and it eventually escalated to them trespassing, making threats and one of them physically assaulting me. It ended up in court with a watertight restraining order they haven't broken, lest their son/brother immediately go to jail for a year. And they had to spend several thousand dollars. A friend descibed it as being the Alpha dog. And, yeah, I'm satisfied. It turned out well. I feel safe.

And, as I said, I confront and/or walk away to lower my stress level. I guess most people don't and that's what the jerks expect.

#421072 - 01/05/13 01:55 AM Re: PTSD and Walking Away from Stuff [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3196
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: Lancer
A couple questions. For those of us with PTSD, sound like you? And how much bullshit do people normally tolerate?

i used to take any and all sh!t that was being handed out. in fact, i'd volunteer for it. i felt like everything was always my fault - even if no one was assigning blame, i'd feel responsible and beat myself up over it endlessly. i'd cave in to anyone about anything and just roll over and play dead.

as i "improve" in my coping ability, i also have decreased the amount of crap i am willing to accept from others. this is most notable in my reactions to authority figures. it's not so much "no more mr. nice guy" as "no more mr. door mat." i have spoken up strongly - but decently - in several situations recently - both one-on-one and in group meetings. but - yeah - walking away will be the next step in a couple of on-going conflicts if they are not resolved soon. sometimes it is just not worth the effort to keep on putting energy into it.

i don't know how much other people - as in "normal" people - are likely to tolerate. how would you know? everybody has some issues that are not obvious on the surface.

We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

#421122 - 01/05/13 10:55 AM Re: PTSD and Walking Away from Stuff [Re: Lancer]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
This is interesting and thnx Lee, as always. I'm not, so far, getting the answers I'd expected. You guys constantly surprise me. I guess because it's still my deep-seeded nature to be Mr. Nice Guy - peace at any cost - I still ask myself, "Where did this assertiveness come from?" when I'm putting my foot down. Even after years of practice.

Psychologically I've been concerned I've been treating some situations as if they were the same as the pre-CSA abuse...or even the CSA. The difference is I'm no longer a child and I can say "no" or "stop". So I do. And, y'know, I'm perfectly comfortable with it.

Did you know, Gary, Bette Davis is my hero? Love her confrontation with "mother"...who conveniently has a heart attack and dies in the middle of the quarrel.

So I'll steer the conversation towards the afterwards. Once I've said "no" or otherwise put an end to an unacceptable situation, then what? In the case of ex-friends, interestingly, other, nicer people eventually fill the space. Obviously, not so relatives. And particularly not so - even though these are people who DON'T know each other - professionally. That's what's bothering me.

#421127 - 01/05/13 11:54 AM Re: PTSD and Walking Away from Stuff [Re: Lancer]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 260
Loc: MO
Dear Lancer

How much bullsh do "normal people" tolerate? Most people are sufficiently self centered and tolerate little. Those who are insecure and trying to please others tolerate an unlimited amount. people such as myself with PTSD or DOESNOS diagnosis are uisually somewhat paranoid. Our ability to tolerate B S depends on our recovery. Some learn to behave to accept a lot of B S inorder not to overreact. (When I was in cognitive behavioual therapy I learned a lot of that). How important is it anyhow? This becomes the central question. If you are concerned about the professional response to you "walking awsay" you must choose between financial rewards, and the rewards of being right.

In my psychotheraputic recovery I have learned that my over reactions are in relation to my self identification with others who were mistreated. These confrontations were not pretty. But, as I have reduced my psychotic delusions, I have found I can put up with a lot more bull without internalizing and suppressing the rage.

So, for what it is worth, there is the response of a DOESNOS (Complex PTSD) survivor of physical AND SEXUal Abuse.

I would agree, finding new friends will replace the old friends, and deranged family members are of little value to you (Though some people feel they have famioly obligations).

The business decisions are just that business decisions. Most of us have to put up with the bull of "high school girls" to be financially successful. If you can't or won't be prepared for a lower income.

Good luck in your choices.


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.