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#420908 - 01/04/13 12:41 AM I dont like this
tannerdog2 Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 2
to start with I hate typing, My wife and I are having problems she thinks that I am a survivor of sex abuse so have many of the other women I have been in relationships with. I'm a recovering drug addict and come from a rough family back ground Bla Bla Bla I have a lot of respect for you guys for dealing with your problems but for one I was never abused and two a kinda tough time growing up but no trauma that lots of people have delt with I'm trying to save our relationship by being on this site , honestly I'm really uncomfortable almost queezy I feel like Im making some kind of admission to something that did to the very best of my knowledge did not happen. Im not sure what Im even asking but if anyone has any input Im willing to listen

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#420909 - 01/04/13 01:23 AM Re: I dont like this [Re: tannerdog2]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Hi tannerdog2,

And welcome to MS, for whatever reason you're here. Why does your wife think you were sexually abused as a boy? Is there something specific she's pointing to? Knowing that would help any of us undestand what you are looking for or need.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#420914 - 01/04/13 02:03 AM Re: I dont like this [Re: tannerdog2]
tannerdog2 Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 2
My wife says (and previous girlfriends have said) or had problems with:
-intimacy or my lack of it
-i don't like sex or being naked, i think it's gross and i feel a lot of dread and shame and guilt
-it's hard for me to be nurtured or let someone else nurture
-i have trust issues and i think people are going to leave
-i have a different definition of love
-i used to use drugs and alcohol
-i don't pay attention to my body, i don't really feel pain or are very aware
-i get frustrated, but i don't cry
-i have lots of anxiety and panic attacks
-i get overwhelmed by touch
-most of my relationships don't work out and i don't have many friends
-even when i'm in a relationship i feel like i'm meant to be alone
-i feel repulsed when my wife wants me, even if it's just emotionally
-i'm repulsed by sex, unless i'm on drugs
-sex and aggression are connected in some ways
-i prefer short term, anonymous sex, like one night stands

i would post more but this is exhausting. i'm going to bed. thanks for the feedback.

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#420915 - 01/04/13 02:15 AM Re: I dont like this [Re: tannerdog2]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey tannerdog2 welcome to Male Survivor!
Please take it easy, there are a lot of different tools and resources offered to us here, take your time for slow exploring it. I hope you'll find if any of these suits you and your needs.
Dealing with some internal conflicts could be overwhelming and exhausting so there is no reason to push anything.
I'll add that many of us have some issues not exclusively connected to sexual abuse and that you already wrote.
I've found great support here and many friends, I've read a lot of good articles, found some god books and so on, so I think that after I become part of this community my life has improved.
Take care for yourself!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#420933 - 01/04/13 07:03 AM Re: I dont like this [Re: tannerdog2]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Dear Tannerdog2

What you have described is sexual dysfunction, unbearable anxiety, and significant fear of abandonment. These in combiation are almost always caused by trauma.

The description of your shame and guilt over your nudity, and sex may be caused by messages given by your family of origin. These messages must have been very harsh and probably were reinforced by physical abuse. Or, they may be the result of sexual abuse. It can take a long time to remember the events.

My daughter had her repressed memories return after 25 years. I would definately agree with your girlfriends that some abuse or trauma lie behind these behaviors. The idea that promiscuous sex (one night stands with multiple partners) and revulsion and guilt about being touched and avoidance of being nutured, or physically close all point to trauma.

Whether that trauma was sexual abuse, abandonment and neglect, or emotional abuse reinforced with physical abuse, I wouldn't know any more than you. However, exploring that possibility certainly seems worthwhile.

There is support and resources here for that exploration. You know for yourself that these experiences are not self beneficial. Panic attacks never are. As pero indicated internal conflicts can be overwhelming. Giving yourself time to explore is necessary. These are not issues to be overcome quickly. Eventually, a trip down memory lane, may not be comfortable, but is essential.

Welcome to the journey and may you find comfort peace and resolution to these conflicts.

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#421087 - 01/05/13 04:28 AM Re: I dont like this [Re: tannerdog2]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hi, tannerdog2

Most of what you have listed here is a pretty good description of my recent past:
Originally Posted By: tannerdog2
-intimacy or my lack of it
-i don't like sex or being naked, i think it's gross and i feel a lot of dread and shame and guilt
-it's hard for me to be nurtured or let someone else nurture
-i have trust issues and i think people are going to leave
-i have a different definition of love
-i used to use drugs and alcohol
-i don't pay attention to my body, i don't really feel pain or are very aware
-i get frustrated, but i don't cry
-i have lots of anxiety and panic attacks
-i get overwhelmed by touch
-most of my relationships don't work out and i don't have many friends
-even when i'm in a relationship i feel like i'm meant to be alone
-i feel repulsed when my wife wants me, even if it's just emotionally
-i'm repulsed by sex, unless i'm on drugs
-sex and aggression are connected in some ways
-i prefer short term, anonymous sex, like one night stands

i think the only ones that differed were the last two - i would have substituted "objectification/being used" for "aggression." and i was not interested in any sex with real people - but had to keep it even more detached and distant through on-line images.

i was abused verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually from age 5 1/2 to 18. i can't tell you which symptoms were the result of which varieties of abuse - but i am certain that your list is traceable to abuse of some kind - whether it was sexual or not.

when i first started reading the forums, it creeped me out, too. there was a lot of denial going on in my head. but i stuck it out - and am so glad i did. i now can own the truth - and overcome it by rejecting some of the lies i also used to believe - those forced upon me by the abusers.

hope you'll stick around long enough to figure out why you have these relationship difficulties - or that you'll find another source of healing that suits you.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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