Hi,

I have posted before and would like to know if anyone can recommend a therapist in the NYC area.

I was sexually abused by a neighbor as a young child, but I never told my parents about it.

I am single, in my late 30s, and would like to get married. I always promised myself that the only person I would reveal this is to is my wife, but of course I never married. I did tell my best friend.

A woman whom I considered marriage potential recently broke up with me. She cited as part of her reasons is that I seemed secretive/ashamed about my family. In fact, I had been thinking hard about telling my parents before telling her.

Have people hear experienced problems with relationships with women due their past abuse? Perhaps its best to tell a woman once you are serious with her?

Maybe a therapist can help me decide if it is prudent to tell my parents and can also help me with my relationships (I have had many failed relationships with women. Of course, I don't know how much of this is tied to my past abuse.)

Any insight and help is greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Hi Charles.

Yes, my relationships with women have all been ruined due to the abuse and the secret-keeping it causes.

A good person in NYC to start with is Richard Gartner. Here's his website: http://www.richardgartner.com

If he can't see you, he'll certainly be able to recommend you to someone in NYC who can help you through this phase of your recovery.

Good luck. We're with you.

Cant

Thanks, can't...yes, I have heard of him.

Was therapy helpful?

Did you or anyone else here find it helpful to tell women they are dating about the past abuse?

How unfair is this? It's bad enough that I have to deal with the trauma of something of which I had no power as a 5 yr old. Now it's still hurting my chances of sharing my life with another.

Hey Charles,

Therapy is helpful, even essential, but not a cure-all, and I still can't maintain a relationship.

It's as unfair as it gets. I was 5 to 7, too. Never had a chance.

Recovery is a life-long process and journey. We're here to help each other along that path, but don't expect any miracles.

Cant

Hey Charles,

I share your feelings of how unfair this is. I did't choose this and neither did you. I feel like nobody is going to love me when I come with so much baggage. It's like I should come with a disclaimer that reads "emotional train wreck, please love at your own risk." There are others who come with far less baggage than I do. It feels like I have been robbed of much more than my childhood. I share your pain brother.

Daniel,

Thanks. May I ask how old you (Daniel and Cant) are?

Have you seen approaches that have helped in your relationships with women and this issue?

Have you given up on getting married and possibly having kids?

Did you ever tell your parents about it?

Wow Charles. Your story is eerily similar to mine.

1) abuse by a neighbor, didn't tell my parents.
2) single and would like a wife and family.
3) girlfriends find me hard to crack.
4) problems with relationships due probably to CSA.

I started therapy 18 months ago and have found it very helpful. I hope you find a good therapist in NYC. I'd recommend one that has experience dealing with CSA, or dealing with trauma.

Feel free to ask me more, I will help if i can.

Good luck!

Hi Jack,

Thanks for your message.

CSA = Child Sex Abuse?

Did you find that the therapist not only help you deal with the abuse and tell your parents?

Did the therapy also with dealing with women? Were you able to have a stable relationship with a woman after therapy?

I know every situation is different, but did the therapist suggest revealing the abuse to a woman at some point in the relationship?

Finally, assuming you are not in the NYC area, would you happen to know if your therapist could possibly recommend someone in NYC?

Please let me know if you would rather communicate via private messages.

Thanks again. I found your post encouraging.