Dear Brothers in Recovery,
On Friday night I was rushed to the emergency room, unable to walk or move, barely able to talk. Everything was spinning madly. Everything was a blur. I was vomiting continuously. I thought I was having a stroke. My sons carried me to the car, and my wife drove me to the hospital
It turned out to be an attack of Vertigo, a displacement of fluid in the inner ear that controls balance. It wasn't like a little dizziness. It was a feeling like falling through space, everything spinning ferociously, and never hitting bottom. Totally out of control, and not able to do anything about it.
They gave me a drug that slowed things down a bit, so I could stop puking and could actually talk to the doctor. They sent me home after 4-5 hours with instructions to keep taking the drug, and rest. No choice there as I still couldn't walk.
I gradually regained my faculties and today (Tuesday) was the first day since Friday that I've been able to function normally. There is no way of telling if it will happen again, or when, so from this point forward I live with the prospect of losing control of myself without warning. Under the wrong circumstances, like say driving a car, it could be fatal. I'm still processing how this will change my life.
The initial lesson I've learned from this experience is that this life can be taken from us, or radically changed, in an instant, without notice, without preparation. None of us knows how much time we have left. This makes it all the more urgent to get past the pain and dysfunction we've experienced as boys, enough to live our lives loving others and ourselves. Its time to get to work guys. I can do this. You all can. I have faith in you.
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell