I finally admitted that some how I was affected before any incident I recall. Once I admitted it I recalled that my T has said repeatedly that I was sexualized early, I just didn't hear him.

Does anyone else have the scars, but doesn't know why? My T suggested I say/think "I want to know" instead of my mantra "I don't know". Which I really see is an invitation for myself to open up.

Guys this is big for me. I always presented/thought of myself as a twisted pervert. But if I just look at the facts, 5 year old boys can't equate violence , humiliation and intimidation with sex. That's not what I was born with, I learned it and i want to know how.

You could read some of my back posts. I struggle with this constantly.

Cant

BDD -

when i started with my T i wasn't really looking for anything more than what i already knew or remembered. i sort of felt like there might be more buried but wasn't really wanting to dig that much. but more memories came as i was working on what i already knew about. kind of like ignoring a bird or animal that you know is out there and being still and focussed on something else - until it comes enough closer to you that you can see it. once the "new" memories emerged - it was as though i had always know them. i recognized them and knew that they were true - and not invented fantasies. but it was not easy to deal with - there was a reason i had repressed them for so long. i have gone beyond that now, though. they are a part of me but not the biggest or most important part.

hope you find what you need to heal,
Lee

Cant, my post actualy started as a PM to you. But as we never spoke I thought that was wrong. I have been reading some of your posts. I admire your courage and determination.

Traveler, thank you. I half expect it will be like finding my glasses have been on my face all along.

I think what I need to share is that I really have stopped seeing myself so negatively. There were really strong forces shaping me, pushing me into dangerous situations. I have come to know the real me and what stands in my way.

Feel free to PM me any time.

Cant

BDD: Once I saw how I'd been affected by CSA fallout since age 6, I thought it was like reaching for my glasses on the nightstand in the dark and finding them exactly where they were supposed to be.

I know better than to blame all of my limitations, foibles and failures on that terrible childhood experience--but what a coincidence it was, to find a few dozen of my strangest, previously least-explicable tics and troubles listed in volume after volume of "male survivor" literature. Peace!

John

Thank you Cant_t and John,

I feel oddly calm. Seems when I take a step I feel a little stunned and wordless.

My T also says the way I say things is my way to be evasive. For example "I can't" means I do not want to--I guess how we perceive ourselves and the abuse can influence how much we uncover and face the past. I am now more sensitive how I say things so as not to influence myself--which could be a positive for recovery or hinder recovery.

I need to make a safe place for my little boy to do what he needs to. It's no surprise that the kid I've vehemently hated for so long doesn't confide in me. Why did I hate him? Because he hid from the other boys. He wasn't like the other boys. He didn't belong. How could I belong if I was afraid? It was all a vicious cycle.
I am really fighting my knee jerk revulsion when I think of him. I have gotten so much better. This might not be PC but I think the hate did break the cycle. By hating that scared little boy i became removed from him. But I don't need it anymore. I don't want it anymore. I think it is time to respect his fear, not berate him for it.
Thanks for letting me ramble.

Beautifully said.