Last night I was the speaker at an AA meeting (a speaker tells the story of their alcohol abuse, what it was like, how the program helped them stop drinking, and what its like now) and for the first time I included mention of my CSA as a contributing factor. I didn't go into any detail, just that the perp used alcohol and drugs to groom me, and that the shame and self-hatred that resulted fueled my drinking for years to come. It felt like a tremendous risk, but was something I had to do. I struggled to maintain eye contact while I spoke. I felt my face turn red and hot with shame as I told about the abuse. I feared that people would be blown away, or angry or judgmental. I worried that no one would be able to relate to me because of it.

Instead, people commented on my honesty and courage. One woman disclosed that she too had been abused by her father when she was a child. And another woman just sat in the back and cried. I could only imagine what horror she was reliving because of my story. In a small way I felt vindicated, no longer the freak with the disgusting secret.

I now know what my gay friends must have felt like when they first said the words "I am gay" out loud. I was "out" and it was okay. I thought of all of you and how much strength you've given me over the past few months. I wished you could have been there with me to see that it can be safe to disclose. I hope for all of you that you will come to know what that feels like to be accepted as a survivor. Its not total healing, but its a step that I couldn't have taken without you. Thank you all for being here. Despite all the pain, depression, anger and loss, you matter to me.

((((((((Jude)))))))))

We were there with you. Thank you for sharing. Disclosure makes us stronger because we face that risk and survive.

Every disclosure after your first is infinitely easier. Nowadays, when it comes up and I feel a need to disclose, I say: "I was raped when I was a kid..." That is the best language for me.

Cant

Jude & Cant -

you are both incredibly courageous.
thank you for speaking out.
i don't know if i will ever be there.

lee

Geez, I just got asked to speak at another AA meeting. Looks like I'm going to be the poster boy for CSA around here.

Each time you share it will make you stronger.

I disclosed today again. Feels great.

Cant

Last night I disclosed again as I was the speaker at another AA meeting for men only. I was more nervous here than at the mixed meeting a week ago, but it went fine, despite my red face and wanting to disappear. Again I didn't go into detail, but just said that "as a boy I was sexually abused by a man down the street, and he used alcohol and drugs to groom me". No one dismissed me as a pervert. In fact the outcome was that three men in the group also disclosed their own CSA, which all of them said they've never done with anyone but their wives and therapists.

There was also a young man there of perhaps 20, who's eyes never left the floor. From his body posture and facial expression I could see that he was in some pain. I felt intuitively that he was one of us, but I let him have his space. Perhaps the door was opened a small crack toward healing just by his being there.

From these experiences I'm convinced that disclosure, in the right circumstances, can be very freeing for the survivor, and give permission to other survivors to speak out, overcoming their own shame. I'm sure that there will be times where disclosing won't go so well. But its a risk I'm willing to take to try to help others.

You are likely correct. Nice work that you're doing (and for the right reasons).

Jude,

You exemplify the HONESTY that is strongly encouraged in the AA rooms. Hopefully more people in your AA circle will come to understand how profoundly important HONESTY is when facing recovery from their addictions.

D

good job, Jude!

you may never know how much you have helped someone else.

lee