Puffer,

Compelling, Urgent, Drawn, longing to bear witness, to revisit....

I don't know of any survivor who doesn't reconnect with their abuse eventually. Either by geography, by confronting their perp, by seeking out records of the truth..by attempting to validate themselves.

My own abuse was not characterized by the clandestine nature that yours was....Mine was only one exterior perp, and when I was in my twenties I was drawn and compelled to do many things.

I revisited the church which was the site of many corruptions.

I went into the basement where I remember being orally sodomized.
I went into the kitchen where I remember being naked and many violations...all the while the florist smells of that awful stench of green florist clay.
I wrote letters to my perp and asked him to be involved in a counseling session to help deal with it.

I was the definition of compulsion...yet for all that...here I am at 45 still dealing with it.

Do what you must Puffer...but realize that curiosity can motivate us to drink the kool aid....don't forget to do maintenance on your support systems.

Love you Dude...thank you for reaching out to Me so many times!!

Geoff

Why do I feel a need to answer this?

As a 12-year-old boy I went through something very horrible. I don't urge people to read the story because it is apparently damaging to even read it. But I felt then and I still feel I was abandoned to what happened. I was abandoned by the Boy Scouts of America, whose camp it was. The abuser had an official position there. His name has been redacted from the records released by the Boy Scouts and from other records. I was abandoned by the other boys who abused me there. I was abandoned by my parents who left me there (even though it was apparently unintentional it was perceived by me as an abandonment issue). After I remembered what happened there a victim's advocate told my story to the FBI and they refused to have anything to do with it*. So... I was terribly damaged, whatever the reason. I have experienced lots of pain of different kinds. I could never be the same. I could never be or do lots of things. When other boys and teachers later perceived my damage, they shunned and rejected me. Life with friends and family became terribly difficult. So here I am many years later, trying to figure out what happened to me when I was 12. I have spent thousands of dollars of my own money for psychotherapy (in addition to insurance). Nobody seems to care. I'm trying to figure out if there was a scheme that went beyond the abuse of the one sociopathic man who seemed to have orchestrated all of that abuse. I have limited resources for searching and I have reason to believe that what happened to me and to many other boys has been covered up. Where can I go for information about it? My gut feeling is that it must have happened to lots of other children and that I alone have escaped to tell about it.

Puffer

*I have the letter the victim's advocate wrote me about it.

(((( Puffer ))))

That victim advocate letter is from what year?

Cant

i feel so much the same as you, puffer.

I think it's 1988. It's not in front of me right now. It was only a few years after I remembered it.

Puffer