Compelling, Urgent, Drawn, longing to bear witness, to revisit....
I don't know of any survivor who doesn't reconnect with their abuse eventually. Either by geography, by confronting their perp, by seeking out records of the truth..by attempting to validate themselves.
My own abuse was not characterized by the clandestine nature that yours was....Mine was only one exterior perp, and when I was in my twenties I was drawn and compelled to do many things.
I revisited the church which was the site of many corruptions.
I went into the basement where I remember being orally sodomized.
I went into the kitchen where I remember being naked and many violations...all the while the florist smells of that awful stench of green florist clay.
I wrote letters to my perp and asked him to be involved in a counseling session to help deal with it.
I was the definition of compulsion...yet for all that...here I am at 45 still dealing with it.
Do what you must Puffer...but realize that curiosity can motivate us to drink the kool aid....don't forget to do maintenance on your support systems.
Love you Dude...thank you for reaching out to Me so many times!!