So yeah...

Basically...

There's 2 scenario's with me. Either it's all completely wrong... I'm suffering a psychosis or whatever and am just falsely imagining stuff... having false memories... wich isn't true... but I'm misinterpreting real memories...

Or I'm not.

But it's like my complete self already chose one direction right after the memories happened. Interpret it as sexual abuse was the message in my head, apparently.

I'm 22. Almost 23.

And I'm in doubt and confused about the possibility that I might have been sexually abused. I don't really know at what age. Like around... 10 or something... or maybe later... maybe 12...

From both my mum and my dad.

It's small. So I don't know. There's different words... molestation or something... just...

Yeah but I feel violated. That's it. Doesn't matter how good the intentions were from my parents. I feel violated.

But it's not very... significant... Physically almost non-existant...

But psychologically... what did happen was a huge blow... Even the big bang would be nothing compared to it. A huge explosion.

My parents were divorced. When I was about 4. I have a smaller sister as well. And I remember me having fights with her and trying to get mum to help and just be good... and she basically kept on ignoring me... wich really... probably really impacted me a lot as well... deeply... But she ignored it deliberately I almost feel. Why? I don't know.

Then I was raised very... protected... like. Mum always extremely worried about us. Over-protective. Then she always took stuff out of our or my hands. If I had questions about something about homework... uhm... when I was small at least... she would instead of helping me... just take over and make it for me really quickly...

Wich is wrong as well I believe.

But uhm...

Then mum started getting psychologically troubled... we never really saw dad a lot. Or well he wasn't too present.

Uhm...

And my mum started sitting next to me when I went to bed to talk about her day and difficulties at work etc frown When I was about 8 perhaps already.

She slept a lot. Being depressive. And all in the meantime it was really nice though. We were really spoiled. Bad thing was in those days that I had really much trouble in school. Or well. I didn't like it there. I got bullied etc.

But uhm. The talks got more. Or my memories of the talks start taking over... And uhm.

Oh well. Skipping a lot of stuff now...

But then the thing happened. A small accident. That wasn't an accident. At least I was meant to believe it was. But yeah... it wasn't... I did not interpret it like that..

Instant stress. Headache. Fury inside my mind. Suddenly gone way too far. Waayyyy too far... symbolically then. Psychologically then. Way too far...
It was enough for me to completely try to sever the entire mother-son relationship I had... like... the healthy stuff... parts... wich weren't that many... now that I think back of it... but... there's good stuff... but I threw it all away. I tried to artificially create a huge gap. I had huge fights with my mum and my sister. Before I used to joke and be funny and have a good time. And after that pivoting point I had the... tendency to make jokes etc... but everytime my sister and my mum would start laughing about it... and would imply thinking of it as funny... I would already get this very very very annoyed feeling... As if I exist for her entertainment. I don't want her to feel good... about anything... about anything I do... Oh well in my mind it was an all out war...

And something I'm not sure of yet... happened with my dad as well... but I don't know about that. If it's true... it's not nearly as traumatic as what has happened with mum. Almost non-existant... It was also very light. Like... physically not bad at all...