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#417610 - 11/29/12 05:47 AM Progress report including rambling on everything
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Asked by friend why I'm not posting much lately some original posts but rather just giving support and exchanging experience with others here I've been trying to make one post about issue that bothers me for some time. I even started to write it on couple of occasions but always I've left it unfinished and went off line before I've been tempted to post it. It is difficult situations that couples of my friends are caught in and still Iím not ready to share it. But while I was thinking on all this I decided to post some kind of progress report about things that I've discovered since I came here, maybe some of you will like to add own words/experience also, I know that we have Progress Forum offered but there is no possibility to make comments there, so please feel free to write whatever you like here.

When I look for more than one year since I've been here and trying to work on my healing I can conclude that I reached a lot, I can't complain. One year ago I was totally confused (I'm still more or less occasionally the same), my life seems more like some wild beast with many secret sides that were shown from time to time. Now I have started therapy and did some progress, Iím discovering demons and problems that occasionally drive my life, I've been trying to be connected to myself as long and as often as possible. I learned a lot about sexuality and confusion. I've read couple of books about survivors. I've been attending Healing circle for European time zone on couple of occasions (it was tremendous experience and I can recommend it to everyone who has no opportunity for attending survivors group). I talked with couple of friends about my past, I talked to my brother about things that we started to do as kids and which lasted till our college years.

I've been dating one wonderful girl and I'm near to completely fall in love (this is real miracle laugh ) .

There were some not so bright moments too in last year too. I learned that I've been hyper sexual at one side (masturbating sometimes for hours and even days and watching porn) and at other side I've been frozen in real terms related to intimacy and sex so no one ever could reach me (sexual things mean danger and I can't be relaxed nor enjoy it).
I've learned that I have remembered some negative feelings as very traumatic meaning that I can't hold it when sense it, I'm than in search for escaping my reality in world of porn or my thoughts about sex. I've been read a lot about it, for example in this article. Those feelings are the most connected to abandonment, feeling like being completely alone and left by others, being anxious and like waiting for some upcoming disaster, being helpless while some terrible things are happening to me or my friends and so on (my list of negative feelings that I can't hold is still process in making).
I learned a lot about giving support to others including being sportive and carrying friend to other survivors. In my journey my path has crossed with couple of buddies which were abused by some monsters for years trough ring of people who could be called pedophiles, some were psychopaths because of severity of violence and torture they are doing to trapped victims. I was brought near my limits on couple of occasions because some things are happening even now.

But let's stay positive and full of hope.

Here I meet a lot of interesting people from all of the world, some were travelers from past and distance places, some were like phoenix born from ash many times, Iíve learned a lot about Shingles cool , I learned a lot about other parts of the world like South Africa or Iran, I learned that gecko can be crazy wink , I learned that some of you have other personalities kept inside (I've felt honored that you were brave to show it and talk about it) and many many many moreÖ

If you are in some trouble, if you are lost in some thoughts, please donít be scared!
Everything will be alright.

Sending hugs to all of you.
_________________________
My story

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#417670 - 11/29/12 08:06 PM Re: Progress report including rambling on everything [Re: peroperic2009]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Wow - ((((((((((Pero!))))))))))

lots has happened in one year. you joined just before i started getting involved here. and you have always been there for me - i am very thankful for that. i read last night that there are something like 320 times in the Bible that someone is told "Do not be afraid!" and many times it is by an angel. you have often been an "angel" to me - and others with your frequent encouragement: ***"please donít be scared!"***

best wishes for an even better year ahead!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#417711 - 11/30/12 01:47 AM Re: Progress report including rambling on everything [Re: peroperic2009]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Wow, it sounds like it was a hard year, but also a year in which you made good progress. And where there is progress, there is hope!

Your support and encouragement has meant a lot to me in my short time on this board. smile I will not forget that when I wanted to leave, you reached out to me and convinced me to stay. Thank you!

((((((Pero))))))
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#417763 - 11/30/12 12:03 PM Re: Progress report including rambling on everything [Re: peroperic2009]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I am damn happy to hear about all of your progress man : ) I know it has not always been easy but seeing you write it all down obliges me to do the same:

- my SSA has subsided quite a bit and I no longer hurt myself with it
- I am less anxious
- my relationships with women have improved drastically
- I don't hate myself
- suicidal ideation happens infrequently and when it does it is easier to dismiss as lies from my CSA
- A lot of bad habits have started to get turned around in everything from eating to entertainment

I am blessed to have a good family, friends, therapist, and all of you here to help me in my recovery journey. There is certainly a ways to go but it is really starting to feel like the good fight. I hear about the struggles you all face and I realize I am not alone and that they can be overcome. I hear about the progress you all make and it gives me motivation to keep pushing forward.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#417828 - 12/01/12 04:21 AM Re: Progress report including rambling on everything [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Thank you ((((Lee))) for encouraging words.
You know I did some short research (I'm coming from mining city and I like to dig trough wasteland of posts offered us here as long as it needs) and I found your first post Lee that I commented, let us go back into past for short to get insight into one long healing year and to feel how was it than, what has changed and where we are now smile
Here it is Temporary oasis
And your thread about Is it Stockholm Syndrome? somehow stayed in my memory as very important and very insightful, I meet there some other nice guys for the first time too smile
Thank you for kind words even I wouldn't call myself angel smile I'm terrible difficult in taking any praise so this is like kind of homework for me, yes I'm always trying to make things better and I never believe that there is no way out smile
I've found that occasionally fear is plying too important role in our lives, we really don't need to be scared of anything.

Hey ((((Gecko)))), you don't know how I'm proud on you man. You were near leaving us and I'm so glad that we managed somehow trough that small "crisis". I think that would be terrible loss for all of us if you left MS , you have so much to give and share. Your story has healing powers (proved smile ), you wrote it so intensively and with so many details that catapult us while reading it directly into your mind and situations during your difficult moments, that is so huge experience, I think that many of us could get inspired by reading it wink

Hey ((((Publius)))), wow man, you did so much in your recovery, thanks for sharing with us. You are not alone, you said it well, we all are here to give support to each other when we need it the most. Your post from yesterday brought couple of tears to my eyes wink , keep sailing like that through healing!

Hugs!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#417831 - 12/01/12 05:44 AM Re: Progress report including rambling on everything [Re: peroperic2009]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I am SO SO glad to see/hear hard, documented and recognized progress. As you know, that does not "just happen." Your inner-strength and conviction to defeat the beast for yourself and others can be thanked for that.

I know you've pulled my spirits and hope up out of the mud many times before, I'm just glad to hear such great assets were spent on you as well.
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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