In my early years, I was a very small and unfortunately petite kid. My best examples of this are by time I reached Grade 9 (12-13yr) I was scrawny and about 4’ 10” – by time I reached 28 I was about 125 lbs on a good day and 5’ 10”. I preface my first chapter with this so that everyone out there can understand I was not major baseball, hockey or any contact sports player … way too small. It also will allow you to visualize me in the time frame I am about to disclose.
Although at the time, I did not recognize these events as “sexual abuse” as over this period of time I was told and lead to believe by my abusers that this was a normal part of being a friend with the older boys in the neighbourhood. Yes, at times there were treats of harm or punishment if I did not follow through on their requests for servicing or being part of whatever fantasy they were involved in at that point in time.
My abuse took place from about the age of 8 until I was 14, at which time was informed by new friends out of the neighbourhood circle, that this was not normal, and that anyone that did that was a queer. It was also the beginning of the typical rumours and labelling, of me by my peers, because of this skewed view of true male friendship that had been engrained into me through these years. These labels and rumours followed me throughout high school – which was extremely hurtful.
Of course during these times (back then) sexual abuse and other forms of abuse were not talked of, young boys didn’t know the difference, it would have been a taboo subject (circa 1962-1967), education and resources were not available or heard of back then.
The main abuser at this time of my life was Paul, a teenager of about 13, who lived across the road (for whom I was easy pickins). From what I remember in the beginning it was not a traumatic experience. He introduced me slowly by playing “doctor”, showing me what I’d would have when I got older, what it could do and coaxing me into exploring and touching him. Eventually training me, as I look back now, to be his slave to do with as he pleased.
At the same time over the younger years I had two male cousins that use to babysit me. Not knowing any better, when they would ask me what I wanted to do, without thought I would want to play doctor, which they allowed.(only re-enforcing that this was natural between guys).
Eventually, once I had fully hit puberty, Paul introduced me to some of his “friends” – these guys were a bit older and were into a bit rougher and weirder sexual activities. Paul of course was there to guide me with these guys and join in on group encounters. At this point – threats began that if I didn’t do what they wanted me to do – I’d suffer the consequences.
This is just a brief outline of what occurred during these younger years, but I believe it gives everyone an idea of what my abuse was like and how long it took place.
I will continue with a second section dealing with my teenage years to explain what happened after this point in time, the continued confusin in my mind on male relationships and the abuse I endured during that time.