My precious child,

I am writing to you today to say all the things that you always longed to hear and never did:

How I wish I could reach out and take you in my arms, shelter you from your fears, and protect you from all harm. I know that is not possible, but perhaps the desire to help and the act of expressing that I care about you will help a little. If I could, I would wipe away your tears and mend your broken heart. I would hold you and hug you and keep you safe. I would shield you from the hurtful words and painful blows and even more harmful caresses that left lingering scars on your body and even longer-lasting and unhealed wounds upon your mind and emotions.

I would have been accessible to you whenever you needed me. I would have attempted to give you strength when you felt weak and helpless. I would have tried to cheer you up and reassure you that you were not alone and that you belonged and were valued and cherished. I would have striven to inspire you with hope that your future could be better. I would have listened to your dreams and encouraged you to pursue them, assuring you that they were possible. I would have built up your self-esteem by showing you that you were a smart, capable, resilient, talented, handsome, and unique kid who was worthy of respect. I would have attempted to find for you whatever knowledge and help and support that I could not supply myself. I would have convinced you that you were not a freak, were not to blame, and that you would heal and find happiness.

I wish that at the times when you pondered ending your own suffering, I could have intervened. I wish that I could have been the faithful and trustworthy friend that you needed and never found. I wish that I could have made you laugh when you were sad and distracted you out of your depression. I wish I could have been the kind and gentle and loving mentor that was not a danger in any way. I wish I could have taught you how to be a man and erased your insecurities and self-doubt. I wish that my love could have overcome your self-loathing.

My child, I am sorry that no one was there for you when you needed it most. I am sorry that you endured for years on your own. I am sorry that there was not a single safe refuge for you – not at school, not at church, and not at home. I am sorry that I could not give you what you needed – because although I was always there… I was you.

So now – I want to promise you that I will never abandon you. I will always be loyal and considerate of your feelings and welfare. I will do all within my power to help you heal, to make you feel loved, and to find acceptance, happiness, and fulfillment.

Dear little one, my younger self, I am faithfully,
Your older Lee

Wow. Great post brother.