I think darkempathy alluded to this, Lee. My experience on other issues - and I hope this one - is that the highs aren't as high and the lows aren't as low. Frankly, this sucks. But not as badly as my suicidal moments over the years. (And found a T who seems to be okay so far).

A lot of things are up in the air for me at the moment. I don't like uncertainty. Not having a feel for the direction is disconcerting and frustrating. I wish some of these people would get their asses in gear. How fucking patient am I supposed to be? Just that reminder of being ignored...again.

OTOH, let's see...have a home, air conditioning, food in the fridge, the cat for whom I'm a perpetual cushion, and a lawn I've nursed back to looking like a carpet. Okay, I'll have to live with that. ;-)

Lee,

I completely get it. I actually was writing about this today. Part of it:

"If Snowballs could only roll up hill... I guess this is how my positive thinking is working. It's harder for me to always think positive... I quickly flip things to the negative... I wonder if this is true of most other survivors?"

I really feel for you cause I know how I get when things feel like they are going down and taking me with them. I will take from Lancer - It's never as bad or as good as you think... the extremes that we all deal with.

Job
www.coresaving.com

More down today than I was yesterday.

Fuck.

I'm lonely. I have no family. I have no friends in the city. I'm lonely and alone all the time.

I can't stop thinking about this. I can't stop feeling horrible about how my life has turned out in spite of all my efforts. I can't help but feel rage and anger at everything.

I didn't deserve this fucked up existence and yet I'm forced to live it. This qualifies as torture.

Magellen,

Lean on us brother...we care about you and your at home with us. Yeah none of us deserved this shit, and in large part we are stuck with the sewage that our perps left us with. It sucks. I understand your anger and pain. For me now...there's nothing to do but feel the anger and pain and work through it. I will not die! Neither will you! We can DO THIS!

Magellan

You are not alone. I believe we all have thoughts of what life would be like without CSA. I wonder if it would be better if my children did not have to live with my CSA and if I was not here they could pretend and not face the realities of CSA and what has happened to me later in life, my triggers. Denial is a powerful survival mechanism and a way to pretend what happened did not happen--I did it for a lifetime--but in the end it catches you on all fronts. It overtakes your life. I wonder if they would be better off if I said ok time is up for me. this way they could live in their world and believe it did not happen and hate me for what has been done. I truly do not know the answer. I just want them to be happy, but know denial does not bring happiness but destruction.

Magellan, think about yourself and all you have done, the actions of others are trivial especially when they separate you from the world. You are a good person, with a good heart who has endured more than most will every endure in a lifetime.

Stay strong and we all support you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Magellan}}}}}}}}}}

Hey Magellan (D),
there are such days when nothing seems to be right
Please hang on. It would be good if you could get out all that negative energy somehow.
You have made many positive steps forward recetnly, please think on that, don't stick yourself to some negative image only.
You have buddies here!!!
Pero

it's tomorrow. having a very tough time. i will make it through - but likely to be an ugly mess.

lee