Martin - I only was just able to to put the words to it. I kept saying "hypersexuality" and "compulsive" but the truth is this: my husband is an addict.

And in acknowledging he is an addict, I need a therapist who knows what we are dealing with instead of one who thought that that just be "being more open to each other" is going to solve everything.

HI Val

I find that here AA is to general a group, Sex and love AA is also to general, Porn AA is to general.
If you know he is a survivor then there are two places he should go. A therapist for CSA issues, and a Group for survivors.
Don't dilly dally with nonsense, ask that he goes to this sort of group.

I found that once the survivors start to face their histories, and deal with the pain the need to act out starts to dissipate.
You can treat the effects of the abuse such as Drug addiction, Alcoholism, porn addiction, sex addiction etc or you can treat the cause of the addiction, CSA. Treating the cause is the better option.

I hope that you get the help you need here and that your husband embraces the healing. Many before him have done it.

Heal well
Martin

Wow, gang -- thanks so much for the support here. Looking back at the thread, it's like the person of 9 months ago wasn't even around! I'm liking this, and thanks for the encouragement!

Martin - Do u have any additional insight from your read of the resPonses to your question? I value your insight as I'm not smart enough yet to know what constitutes "work" on his part.

I might also post this as another thread topic, but what are some ways to determine honesty from manipulation? I'm in high-defense mode for sure and don't want to get too clouded in my thinking and reactions to him. Quite simply, I don't want him not to open up as I call "bullshit!" on his every word.

Martin - you are right on par with everything I have read about sex addiction. Until he deals with his CSA, everything else is just a bandaid. That said, there are still issues surrounding his SA that have to be addressed up front for both his and my safety.

I know there are a lot of conflicting opinions about marriage counseling in the initial stages of CSA recovery, but my H's therapist recommended it, so we went. My H still wants to continue. The problem was the first m-therapist SUCKED. He ignored my H's CSA, advised me into co-dependent behavior, and did nothing to help either of us in beginning to bang out the dents in this marriage.

I am hoping that a marriage therapist with CSA and SA experience will be a better guide as we try to heal together while still addressing our individual issues.

Haps

Work means, that he is learning what the effects of CSA are on his life. That he is reading books like Evicting the Perpetrator, and leaping of mountains and other material on the site.
He is in recovery for drug and alcohol abuse. He is really wanting to be well and not out with friends partying all the time.

There is a lot that he can be doing, initially denial is the first step, the admitting the next, the the survivors phase where there are flash backs and all sorts of pain, the the thriver phase where we learn to live like emotionally mature functional adults.

Hope this helps, ill re re-read the post and offer my meagre insights.

Heal well
Martin

Martin,

Spot on for what I needed to hear. I want to be supportive and yet know when I'm fighting a losing battle. Also to know when he might need a supportive hand or just when to back off.

I'm inclined to put it out there and demand no more drinking, porn, or unhealthy friends. Period. He did do AA but couldn't relate he says. He says I don't know responsible drinking. While I do drink, I don't believe there is any such thing as responsible drinking. It's an act where the intended outcome is to be irresponsible. Let's no kid ourselves here. Putting it out there is too scary for me right now, tho. Maybe in a few more weeks I'll be ready.

He quit bar tending. Quite proud and happy for him, for sure , but his calendar has weekends of "fun" planned now. Not sure the seriousness has set in with him. Question - what's the difference between irresponsible behavior and taking a "fun" break for relaxation's sake? My codependent/workaholic butt is only now learning about "fun", and I'd like to avoid projecting. Also. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow and he wants to have "fun". :-/ I'd like to talk. LOL

Well In my survivor brain, fun is being able to go out and have a meal with friends laugh and chat about things and plan a great BBQ for the weekend. Going to a movie is fun and being with my family is fun.
Getting drunk and taking drugs is no longer fun, being glued to a computer viewing Porn is no longer fun.
I suppose the perspective of having fun is vastly different from person to person, so it is a tough one to define.

AA doesn't always work for all people, but mostly it is because he probably does not want to stop the drinking yet and does not see it as a problem. Tough one if he is still drinking. In order to stop one needs to have an Honest desire to stop drinking. Stopping because a partner demands it is not a program that works.

Wow looks like you have a ways to go Haps.

Heal well
Martin

Thx again, Martin!

A ways to go, sure, yes. And, I need to celebrate successes here, too. Him, qui bar, paying bills, working. Me, new job, healthy distance, better relationships in my life.

But, as I build my own strength, independence, and commitment to living healthy, I find his grip over me to be less and less. I'm also much more curious about what he DOES instead of what he says.

So, manipulation. I'd love to hear more about it and specifically how to spot it. Baby steps here.