Hi All
I normally stay in three forums, Introductions, Male survivors, and F&F. I sometimes do some clumsy poetry, but that's about it.

Coming here means that I have to acknowledge things, that perhaps I don't want to.
It means that I have to drag up yet another issue from my past and start dealing with it,(like the rest of it wasn't enough)

Problem with being abused by a woman,(raped rather) is , that at the age of twelve, I thought it was cool. The fact that I puked my lungs out, after the walrus who raped me left, that still doesn't strike me as odd.
Fact that I couldn't have sex with my wife, after she had the baby, (for years) because she was overweight, also doesn't strike me as odd. She was fat and I didn't find her attractive. (thought that I was supposed to love her, and love is blind?)
Fact that I don't really enjoy sex, well that can be attributed to my pedophile "friends".

Saying that I was abused sexually by perverted pedophiles, that's a lot easier. That's not supposed to happen.
Saying that my mom used to wank me of in the bath as a little boy, that's also not right. These things I can understand.

Having sex with woman, well that's normal???

Hey, I suppose that I am just rambling here, trying to find a way around things in my own head.

I'd appreciate answers from others who have had similar problems. Thanks for reading.

I post this in F&F because I cant understand women.
I have been in recovery for my CSA since May this year. before that I have been in AA and have been to years of therapy. I need to be careful not to paint myself as a saint, because I think I am doing well. BUT.

My wife tells me that I am distant, not present, removed. I am home but I am not. I go out one night a week, and that's to AA.

I spend a lot of time on MS because it is my only connection to other survivors, with whom I can be honest and open. I am also busy setting up Matrix Men a support group for male survivors. I also council a couple of survivors that are in AA with me.

She feels that I am doing this to avoid facing my own demons, I claim that I am doing this to heal.
I understand that I have put her through hell, and probably back, with my acting out and all the addictions, and I am determined to make it up to her.

I don't know why I am writing this, I posted a quote that says " people only ask for advice, when they know the answers, but don't want to face it" I suppose that this is what I am doing..
How Do get mentally involved, how do I develop emotions that I never had, how do I feel, How do I fit back into a society that I never was a part of, one that I had to drink to be interesting in.
How do I suddenly learn to feel, care.??? I can manage short bursts of involvement, but I still don't like talking about my emotions and feelings, it hurts.

Sex is also a problem for me, I cant get over the fact that for so long sex was a weapon used to control me.
I find my wife sexy, she is visually appealing, and I see other men looking at her but with out the fantasies that I used to get me through the abuse, I cant perform.
I truly love my wife,(If I understand what love is) but she feels that I don't because of all this behavior. Ive tried to explain how I feel, but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

I can dispense advice, see and understand how people feel and what they are going through, but I cant seem to do it for myself.
Remember that in my country, help from a professional therapist is a 1000 miles away, all other therapists don't know how to treat male survivors.

So I humbly bow my head and ask the people on this forum for advice. I don't want anyone to tell me that she is wrong, because she isn't. It is me.

Help me to save my marriage, perhaps hearing it form you will help it to sink into my thick skull.

Thanks all
Martin

I am at a stage now where I would like this SA to get done with now. I have been hiding this secret for 35 years and want it all out and dealt with. My wife knows and the odd therapist or Terrorist as I call them, but I would really like this to not be a secret any more. I would like to hear of your experiences telling friends and family. Good Idea or not? I have a friend who is an AA buddy and has helped me through marriage problems and drinking Problems and I feel that I need to tell him, but I am afraid. In South Africa Men are Men, tough and born in the bush, we play football without the padding and helmets. I am really afraid to loose a good friend. Any Ideas?

Just when I thought all was going well and I was making great progress, along comes some fucking memory and stuffs it all up again.
Worst of all is that I dont even know what the trigger was, or is. I withdraw, become reclusive, start getting stupid ideas in my screwed up brain and PISS of the wife again with my shity behaviour.
So dick wad is in the dwang again and I feel shitty.
I go to bed tierd, wake up tierd, and feel crappy.
Worst is that in this corrupt screwed up country of mine the nearest specialist on CSA is a 1000 miles away, the only other person that specialises in CSA is me. I cant fix me.

Hell man I thought I was doing great, 5 years sober, been of the porn for year, havent had rage issues sine May, I'm a fucking supperstar.
And here I sit washed out and broken, sleeping alone in the dog box.

Shit does this crap ever end?????

Sorry for the dump guys.

Martin