I've been dreading going to my survivor group lately. Its once a week and while I'm OK on the days leading up to it on the day of I get this incredible anxiety that just makes me want to turn around and go home. When I arrive sometimes I just sit there, staring at a point in the wall like I'm somewhere else, or worse, feeling suicidal. What leads up to it is things go thru my head like "I didn't have it that bad so I don't belong here" compared to other men in the group, or that I should just suck it up and get over it already like I've been saying to myself for years. This is going to sound terrible but when I'm in that state and I listen to the other guys in the group talk I sometimes wish they would just suck it up and shut up too, although I realize that's really my reaction to my own abuse and in reality has nothing to do with the other guys there. The group is well facilitated by trained and experienced therapists so its not that I'm complaining about the quality of it. I have gained alot from going over the last year but I just wish I didn't feel so messed up lately by doing something that is supposed to help make me feel better.

Stop comparing yourself to what happened to anyone else. You were abused and if has effected you. You belong there like every other member of the group does. I bet others in the group have or had similar feelings. I know I did, but soon realized one cannot compare because each situation is different but the same--you were violated--and each individual is different and will react differently to the abuse. Remember it is you and you were hurt and want to heal. It is about you and no one else.

Kevin

My abuse was pretty bad. Others I've told about it called it horrific actually, but the thing is I spent decades normalizing and rationalizing it, as well as dissociating from any feelings about it, like it wasn't really me who experienced it but someone else, as if it was me watching myself in a movie. In light of this its hard to get a grip on the totality of my own experience, if this makes any sense. I have made progress over the past year, which ironically may be the reason I am reacting the way I am. When I first started therapy I was as numb as a stone so I suppose reacting to my feelings is better than having none to react to at all.

JLS-

You introduce an important point that I think the recovery movement sometimes overlooks. As survivors, we are expected to respond with similar results to the same therapies that have had a high impact on others. This group therapy modality you're no longer enjoying has been effective for others. But it may not be as effective for you. Let's explore this idea for a moment.

Therapy can be considered an education of sorts. You are re-learning healthier skills for coping with past trauma, for interpreting your life now, for managing new stressors as they arise in the future. These are vital life skills that we all need to learn. So therapy is our education. But one of the more interesting ideas that's come out of the discipline of education is Howard Gardner's multiple intelligences.

Gardner recognized that our brains have a wide range of thinking skills: mathmatic, spacial, linguistic, interpersonal, kinesthetic... there were seven but now it's been expanded to nine. Like you, I'm not so sure I would respond to that interpersonal mode of therapy for a long time. I'm not suggesting that it lacks value. Simply that the mode had worn out its usefulness for you right now. My greatest therapy of late has been kinesthetic -in a word work. I bust my tail in the yard with the shovel, weeding mowing, cleaning, raking. The work lets me focus outside of myself, provides me with an opportunity to accomplish something I can be proud of, and helps me reduce tension. This is appropriate therapy for me at this point because I am horribly lop-sided. I do not get enough pysical activity. I do not usually get any tangible rewards for my work. So this theraputic mode fills in the gaps and helps me balance my thinking, balance my life.

You may consider suspending your participation in the unfulfilling group and seeking another type of therapy that will be effective for you. To be clear I am not saying give up on therapy. I am merely suggesting a substitution in a theraputic mode that has lots its luster. By engaging in other ways you may find a benefit to your overall healing

-Scott

jls, To me, that just sounds like part of the dynamics of going through a group therapy process. If it is something that you can continue to fit in while making progress, you might reach the other side and get something meaningful from the therapt.

Brings to mind the phrase "don't quit before the miracle happens" which is more of a recovery thing, but still could apply here.

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