i need to add an amendment to my previous post on this thread.

i owe my wife an inestimable debt. she stuck with me through years of distant, isolationist, withdrawal where i kept her at arms length and shut her out emotionally, sometimes physically, and especially from my past and memories. of course, part of that time, i wasn't even aware of the reasons for that and couldn't even imagine any other way of behaving. i really couldn't have made it this far without her. and she kept our family together and was an incredible mother who compensated in many ways for my shortcomings.

it's just that now that i've started to change, she doesn't know how to relate to the "new" me. she is accustomed to being the one that is the only answer to all my needs. and now that doesn't work any more because she can't fully understand what i've gone through or how it affects me now, no matter how hard she tries or how good her intentions. so we are struggling with that together. and i don't want to go it alone. it's just that sometimes it takes more energy than i have to try to help her catch up to me.

Lee

PS - sorry - i don't mean to hijack this and make it about me - but i had to correct the wrong impression i might have given about my wife - and give her credit. AND maybe my ramblings can give someone else some insight if their situation is similar.

Thank you so much for sharing that, Lee. I totally relate.

Lee

Very interesting--I know I am changing--more assure of myself and not letting others control or take over. I am no longer allowing others tormenting behavior and disgusting acts to control me, threats no longer have hold on me, I see things happening around me and I accepted but realize how sad and destructive behaviors can be--but I go forward knowing I am in better control of my past and can see value in myself.

As they say, change is difficult for the person and those around them. But not to accept change will only hold one back. And life is about growth and change. For us survivor--it is first to accept the CSA, heal and value ourselves. As we look at ourselves with value and esteem others may not like the new person--who I believe is the person we were meant to be--or change in dynamics.

Wow Lee and KMC

You guys are getting there, well done I can just see the healing in your words. From what you are saying I know that you guys are healing. Well done.

Guys don't forget that your wives need therapy too, they too have been hurt in this, they need to learn and understand what has happened to you and how it impacts on their lives and yours.

Try and do that now before you feel like you are totally well, so that you both can meet at the end of the divide in the road at the same time.

Heal well
martin

Martin & KMC - thanks for the encouragement.

you are so right about wives and other close supporters needing therapy too. i want to second that.

my wife and i go for therapy together and alternate it with me going on my own. she doesn't want to go alone. we spend most of the time in our joint sessions either on her difficulties in dealing with me and my issues - or on more marriage-type therapy - helping both of us adjust and learn how to make "us" work better.

a week ago she expressed her frustration in a good word picture - she said it was like i had an injured leg, we were in a remote area, far from help, and she had given me first aid to control the bleeding, had dressed the gash as best she could, and helped me back to civilization where i could get professional medical help. and now she felt she was no longer needed by me and didn't know what to do next to keep her place as a needed person in my life.

i tried to reassure her with another word picture. i said - yes, she had done a great job of helping me survive and getting me professional help, and i am doing better. but i still have an injured leg, can't walk well on my own, and we are both dependent upon one another - like participants in a 3-legged race. we are one - connected for better or worse - and need to work together in order to move forward. i can't do it without her and she can't do it without me. one can't move without affecting the other. if one falls, the other does, too. and it is so important to get our timing and rhythm coordinated.

that seemed to help. so that's what we are working on - together - as much as possible. there are some stumbles and still some pain for both of us, but we are going on.

Lee