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#403649 - 07/14/12 09:14 PM Distorted vision
max52 Offline


Registered: 05/08/11
Posts: 32
Loc: usa
I have come to realize that every interaction I have with another person gets "filtered" through my childhood abuse.
I find myself second guessing everyone, hvaing trouble trusting others. Yes, I somtimes feel like eveyone might be out to get me.
I find it very hard to make friends, I always feel like the odd guy, the outsider. I feel like evryone "knows".
warning triggers
Lately one memory keeps popping up, it was my first day in gym class in an all boys residential school, Starr Commonwealth in Albion Mi.
We had just showered and were all naked, I was 13, a 15 tr. old boy grabbed me, drug me down to the bench and proceeded
to act like I was his girl, I still feel him putting his arms around me. Acting like he was going to kiss me, I called him an "f"ing sob.
This gave him license to punch me in the mouth as I has "talked about his mother"
I told the teacher, he told me that I better not get mad and act up around him anymore.
I shared some of this with my doctor as we discussed meds. and therepy. He said it reminded him of Sandusky and Penn state because the staff where I was turned a blind eye to sexual assault, they called it "sex play" between boys and punished
both partys with a beating, even if only one was willing.
It seems that every thing I do or say, everyone I deal with, every situation has to get filtered through this abuse.
I wonder how I would be if none of this had happened, I will never know.

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#403654 - 07/14/12 11:06 PM Re: Distorted vision [Re: max52]
peculiarstar Offline


Registered: 11/28/10
Posts: 14
Loc: Stuart, Florida USA
That sucks. Our stories are usually sad and full of shame. I failed gym in the 7th grade (the first year middle school in CA) because I didn't dress out. I played and was good at sports, but I could not undress or take a shower with the other kids. I got into several fights after that because everyone kept calling me a fag. In my industrial arts class I knocked a kid unconscious when he kept calling me names. I was a quiet kid - the teacher was stunned. Nobody bugged about after that. It's terrible how violence begets violence.

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#403672 - 07/15/12 03:32 AM Re: Distorted vision [Re: max52]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3519
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: max52
I have come to realize that every interaction I have with another person gets "filtered" through my childhood abuse.
...
It seems that every thing I do or say, everyone I deal with, every situation has to get filtered through this abuse.
I wonder how I would be if none of this had happened, I will never know.


i know that feeling, too.

it's kind of like wearing tinted glasses. everything is colored by the lens you are looking through. but i know that sometimes when i have on sunglasses - i forget that i have them on. my mind has adjusted to the "distorted" view of the world to the point that it appears "normal" to me. i have even tried to put on sunglasses and discovered that i already have them on.

in the same way, as i started therapy and was in the earlier stages, i was very - excruciatingly - aware of the distorted view of everything. it seemed like either everything was a trigger - or like i never forgot for a moment why i was different and that the whole world was tinted or tainted. but - as i go on, i keep lapsing into periods of "forgetting" about my different way of seeing the world. it's never entirely gone - but it recedes into the background.

so - i would think that eventually you will move into a less hyper-awareness stage where you can relax a bit and not be constantly thinking about it. i know it can be exhausting and depressing. keep working at it. it does either lose some of the power - or else you just get to the point where it doesn't matter as much. at least that has been my experience.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#403682 - 07/15/12 11:16 AM Re: Distorted vision [Re: max52]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I am just realizing that I wear the glasses as well. It has taken years to sift past all of the numbing behaviors to expose the real feelings. Even today, like you Lee I forget I have put the glasses back on. The process of healing and re-writing my script is a long one. But, I know that in time it won't matter as much like you said. Great post.
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#430845 - 04/11/13 02:56 AM " [Re: max52]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:00 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#430848 - 04/11/13 03:56 AM Re: Distorted vision [Re: max52]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: max52
I have come to realize that every interaction I have with another person gets "filtered" through my childhood abuse. I find myself second guessing everyone, hvaing trouble trusting others. Yes, I somtimes feel like eveyone might be out to get me. I find it very hard to make friends, I always feel like the odd guy, the outsider. I feel like evryone "knows".
Great Post Max! You nailed it. Difficulty trusting, difficulty in relationships, being the outsider, and feeling that everybody knows. You've got it all. Changing all that is a lifetime process, one day at a time.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#430860 - 04/11/13 09:05 AM Re: Distorted vision [Re: max52]
Still Around Offline


Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Pennsylvania
Originally Posted By: max52
I have come to realize that every interaction I have with another person gets "filtered" through my childhood abuse.
I find myself second guessing everyone, hvaing trouble trusting others. Yes, I somtimes feel like eveyone might be out to get me.
I find it very hard to make friends, I always feel like the odd guy, the outsider. I feel like evryone "knows".


Until I read this I had no idea that a man could feel exactly as I have been for so long. For me at least, sometimes it feels as though the world itself is judging us for things over which we were powerless, and I know it's certainly not true at least in most respects.

Yet, I can't help but feel it, and it can be such a heavy burden some days. Like you, I hate that my feelings have to be filtered through that lens of abuse first, and mindfully filtered again to not read into it that way.

Originally Posted By: lbcali1978
Same here. I always wonder how different my life might have been if I never went down the victim road. That's what it is to me. I have a lot in my heart about it.


That's a far better way to put it than I ever could about how I've been feeling these past months since I started seeing the distortions for what they are, and what my coping mechanisms have made me do.

And I think a big part of that is jealousy in a lot of respects. I know a large part of why I am where I am in my life is because of what was done to me coupled with the aftereffects, but I find myself practically consumed by jealousy of those who haven't had to live like this --- those whose lives have comparatively (through distorted vision at least) come together for them and blessed them with things such as a supportive family, a normal childhood, and the subsequent freedom from these distorted lenses from which I view the world to allow them to find happiness in others.

But that's not their cross to bear I suppose. We must all focus on helping each other help ourselves, and I thank god for the men on here who are shedding light on and helping each other understand ourselves.

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#431402 - 04/16/13 06:24 AM " [Re: Still Around]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 12:00 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

Top


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