I'm a new guy here and I don't know if I belong. What happened to me was not nearly as bad as many of the others I've read about at this site. I really shouldn't let it bother me, but for some reason it does. This problem happened a long time ago and it still bothers me today. I was just starting college. As I was a financial aid student, they had given me a nice job working at one of the dining rooms at one of the dormitories. As I'd had 23 jobs before leaving high school, I thought it was a great job. They were paying me good money just to be a dishwasher. It was really a form of financial aid where they pay well for a job to help the student work through college. Not only did I get good pay, but I got to meet a lot of other students in a work environment, something that I was used to doing. I was in heaven.

Now, this school was a little different. It was one of those special schools for gifted students and rich kids. Most of the rich kids would graduate college without ever having worked at a job in their life. Their parents were so rich, they didn't have a profession or an occupation. They just had some business interests. The gifted students were from lower class that came in to make the school look good. The only way these students could afford to go to this school was to have a lot of financial aid. Financial aid was something embarrassing for the upper class, but us lower class people just had to be grateful. We were being given a chance very few from our backgrounds could have.

Me, I didn't care. I came from a family where my older brother was the first to graduate high school in the history of the family. The only reason he graduated was the school was terrified of him and wanted to get rid of him. The principal told me when I was pulled into his office on my first day in high school. But I was strange for my family. I was the first in the family to graduate in the top ½ of the class. That kind of made me an embarrassment to the family, but that's another story.

So, I was working as a dishwasher running a big machine. It got jammed and one of the people who worked there told me to crawl inside this thing. It was on a small conveyor belt just above waist high, so I had to crawl on my hands and knees to go under the belt. Once inside, there was barely any room ro move. Once I stood up, everyone could see me easily, I just couldn't move very well. I tried to fix that thing, but it wouldn't work. So, the worker crawled inside to help me. It was very tight in there and there were about four or five people outside the thing watching us. He reached forward to fix the machine with one hand. The other one accidentally started to brush my crotch.

I told him to stop and he said it was an accident. We went through this routine a few times before I heard the kids watching start to laugh. I pushed him away and crawled out. My eyes started to water and I had to leave quickly. I raced to the back of the kitchen. Throwing the jacket on the floor, I pushed my way out the back door and started running away.

I barely made it ten feet away when the door burst open. I spun and froze thinking that guy was following me. It was the head cook. I froze in total fear now. I was worried that she was going to yell at me and get me kicked out of college. Then she said, "Did he really fondle you in the dishwasher?" I said "yes." She said "I can't believe this, what are you going to do." at that point, the memory ends

I don't remember anything else except that I didn't tell nobody. Except for that guy, the cook, and all the kids laughing at me, no one else knew what happened. The financial aid department was very angry at a lower class kid quitting a job. Back then, these types of things were not discussed so there was nothing I could do. My social life was destroyed as that meant I went from the edge of the poor Financial Aid student group to nowhere. I was exiled from the lowest social group Freshman year. I have replayed that scene many times trying to figure out better ways to have handled the situation. I have had many ideas. I just wish I could go back and fix that 5 minutes that ruined my college experience.

I managed to graduate, but never made any friends. I was lucky to graduate as I didn't really do very well in class. When everyone else studied in groups, I was always by myself. I tried to go to one class reunion. The others were talking about friendships and success. I do not want to talk about public humiliation. Just this little bit of thinking about this has tears coming into my eyes. I cannot tell anyone about this thing that happened so many years ago. I cannot tell anyone. I have not told anyone. I will never tell anyone.

But somehow after reading this site, I learned I had to talk. So today, I told my psychologist. It was very hard and I didn't talk very well. But, at least I made the first step.

So, this guy didn't do that much to me so I don't know if I belong here. But, I do appreciate the help you guys have given me to make that first step. Thank you.

hi, sorry you had that happen, i'm fairly new here too, about 4 weeks. it's been wonderful i've met some great people, got great advice and continue to no longer feel alone or like i'm a freak. the guilt & shame have been unbearable.
yes, you belong here.
welcome.

joe

Armand -
sorry, you do belong.
welcome.
hope you find help & support here, as i have.
Lee

Hi Armand,

You have completed a big step towards recovery. You are getting counselling and have told others about your abuse. You are to be commended for this.

No matter how much or how little, there is NO such thing as "not nearly as bad" sexual abuse. It affects everybody in different ways. Signs of abuse can and do start immediatly after the very first time the were abused. Some people MAY never, but most of us eventually have problems or at least recognise that we were abused.

All your symptoms such as afraid to talk, being a loner, unable to make friends, etc are very normal for anybody that was abused. Don't punish yourself by thinking of how you could have changed anything back then; you did what you thought was the best at that time. If anyone is to blame, it was the head cook even though times were different back then. Ask me, I know!!!

You have done well; despite the family odds you had to overcame, you still managed to overcome and get your degree. Nobody can take this achivement from you. Take the credit you well deserve.

Hi Armand,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

As the others have said, yes, you do belong.

Comparing your experiences with others is harmful and it diminshes what you have endured.

Whether the abuse lasted one second, one hour, one year, etc. - it doesn't matter. It was abuse and NO ONE had the right to violate your boundaries.

You have taken three very big steps toward healing today - you told your therapist, you came here, and you told us. I hope you can appreciate the courage it took to do these things and commend yourself for being so brave.

Acknowledging the abuse for what it was and breaking the silence are key factors to healing from the trauma.

In time, you will be able to put the shame and humiliation where it belongs - on the guy who touched you.

It is unfortunate that it was known that he did this to you, and probably to others, yet he was not reported.

There are not many resources for males who have been sexually abused/ assaulted as adults, but you may find some of these resources helpful.

Perhaps some of the guys here will tell you which books they found helpful for those who were abused as adolscents/ young men.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous

Hey Armand-


Thus place is about Learning to process and deal with (in healthy affirming ways) the trauma we experienced - everyone's trauma is unique, but there are similarities in our reactions and in the consequences to what happened to us.

Keep reading what you find here on MS and learn to be gentle and honest with yourself-talking about what troubles us is the doorway towards rebuilding our lives.

Armand,
Hello and welcome. Like you, I am a brand new member. Reading your post, you most definitely belong here. I used to use the excuse that, although I was sexually abuse, he never physically harmed me, and therefore my abuse could not be compared to the trauma others had gone through. I have learned that no matter what level of abuse we suffered, it has a profoundly negative impact on our lives. I also learned over the years of therapy that no matter how much I wanted to forget what happened; those memories were never going to go away. Over time, I managed to accept that fact. My therapist told me that I couldn’t help what happen those many years ago, but I could control my reactions to those memories and how I choose to let them affect me; whether in a negative or positive aspect. Wow, even as I am reading what I wrote, I find it incredible difficult to live up that at times. Don’t try to minimize what happened to you or convince yourself that it wasn’t that bad; doing so tends to lead to self-hate.

Stay safe brother.

Thank you, guys, for letting me join this group.

It was so hard writing this thing, that I had to wait several days before even coming back to look at it. I was worried that no one was ever going to read this thing. Now, I see that I will have to let go of those fears and move forward.

The next step is that I have to convince myself to admit that this was really sex abuse and I survived.

I think I need to listen for awhile.

Thank you.