****TRIGGERS AND GRAPHIC LANGUAGE********
Self-hate - includes Shame, guilt (big one), general loathing of oneself.
Were you called names? Stupid, idiot, dumb little shit, little fuck, things like that. Were you told you were worthless, you cost too much, ungrateful brat, punk, crybaby, mamma's boy, prick, asshole.
Were you told, "I hate you, you little worthless motherfucking mama's boy. I wouldn't be so fucking angry if it wasn't for you wanting shit all the time, crying, won't do what I tell you. I wish your dumbass was never born! You're worthless. You'll never amount to a fucking thing. We'd all be much better off without you, you little prick!"
Add your own names. You were lucky if you got a half-assed apology after all that.
Ever see Primal Fear the movie? Laura Linney's character said it well when Aaron was talking about Rushman making him have a threesome with Linda and the other guy. "He needed to get off. That's what he needed," she said. The archbishop called it, "purging the devil." Aaron said, "he needed it to fight his own demons. There was nothing I could do to help him because he helped me so much." This prick had him convinced he was watching them degrade themselves for him so he could purge his demons and they owed it to him to do it because he needed it. No, she was right, he just needed it to get off. He just told all that bullshit so he would believe it to assuage his own conscience and keep them quiet. He degraded them to convince himself he was pure and holy.
That's absolutely no different that any other abuser whether you liked it or not and whether your body responded or not.
How to get rid of self-hate, blame, guilt? Tell yourself the opposite. It's gonna take time to destroy what the asshole abusers put there instead of the right thing. If I start thinking it, I tell it to fuck off, you're wrong. Leave asshole. You're not wanted here no more. I'm worth just as much as anyone else even if they don't believe it. I will use my abilities cause they are mine. I'm supposed to feel good, enjoy things. (abuser's name) were wrong!
Be nice to yourself. You deserve it. Forgive yourself. My penis, my vagina, my mind responded to stimulation like it's supposed to. No, it wasn't something I could consent to, but the body doesn't know the difference. They (the abusers) were supposed to know not to do those things. Give yourself a break. Self-compassion. Self-love.
Replace all those words the abusers said with the opposite.
Remember, your abusers did not love you. They did it for one reason only--to get off. Tell yourself that till you believe it.
Edited by phoenix321 (06/22/12 11:50 PM)
Edit Reason: add
A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"