I was 6 years old when my dad molested me. It happened several times. My mind still hasn't completely allowed the full memories, but the guilt, shame, flashes of what happened are in my mind. I only recently "came out" with it to my wife, some friends and my two brothers. I wrote my dad a letter saying I need emotional space and basically that I have repressed memories that have re-surfaced and its going to take me time to forgive him for what happened. I have confronted him several times about this in the past and every time he has denied it. I am married and I know I am heterosexual, but I have had issues with my sexuality because of this, causing me my whole life to have HOCD and fear "becoming or being gay". My wife has been unbelievable during all of this and I am about to enter therapy. The last few days have been a living hell with extreme emotions up and down. I dont know how my father will react to the letter and I dont give a F*** its about ME now not HIM. If he denies it again, thats it for us, for a while at least!

Thats awesome Man. I'm really proud of you for stepping up, and being real with your feelings. You have great courage and confronting your father is amazingly strong. Very nice"

I applaud you for this conclusion... As long as we remember this we will not get misguided into issues like harboring anger, rage and wrath.

Thanks guys. I am on an emotional roller coaster right now. Scared one minute, hysterical crying the next, angry the next!! I did some research on sexual abuse and same sex attraction. And the attraction I feel towards men is without a doubt different then the attraction I get with women. With women I was always shy, in high school I would slip a girl a note that I liked. I was terrified of rejection and had my heart broken many times. I had no problems connecting emotionally with girls, but always had the deep dark secret of what happened inside. I have been with my wife for 8 years and I only came out with this FULLY a few weeks ago. With guys I feel the attraction is forced and I re-live some of the emotions and sexual feelings that I experienced during abuse. No offense to the gay survivors that read this, but I am relieved I am not gay. Because I love my wife, love having sex with her and I love having fantasies about women lol Wouldn't want to have to give that up. I learned about "imprinting" and how your conditioned to feel those feelings towards men especially since I was 6 years old. Sometimes When I think about what happened I get so angry. I guess thats all normal. I remember going to a weekend retreat where you share feelings with other boys and I started hysterical crying and started to tell what happened but stopped myself and said a different story. I know my dad will try to call me and do everything in his power to get back into my head and convince me it didn't happen.

Just like I thought, my father turned it around on me. This is the email I sent him
I mailed a letter to you on Sunday.It will be there tomorrow or Wednesday. Please Do NOT call me right now. I remember EVERYTHING from my childhood...EVERYTHING. I do not wish to speak to you right now. Please give me my space. Don't call and ask me what I remember. Because I think deep down you know. If you call I will not pick up. If you want to reflect on this email and the letter and then call after you remember, then we can speak. Again, do NOT call to ask me what I'm talking about. I've repressed this for 30 years and it all has come to the surface. I am in therapy and I am healing. I do not wish to speak to you right now. Please respect that.

He called me back and said I am devastated you would think I could do that to you. I screamed IT HAPPENED IT HAPPENED LOOK IN THE FUCKING MIRROR AND ADMIT IT TO YOURSELF.and I hung up

He called back and left me a message saying, he wont let me turn it around on him, that I was the first baby he had since he accepted christ LOL ok whatever. Typical, I should have known he would deny it again. But at least I have the space I need. I wont be speaking to him or my mother for a while. I feel liberated and good

It will calm down as you proceed. Do you have a therapist?

This agrees with my observations on myself. It has taken a long time for my emotions to get sorted out.

That seems to be what most of us do. We keep it as adeep dark secret.

That is wonderful to have a wife like that.

I think the guy attraction for me is actually a PTSD reaction. That is, it's in the realm of a stimulus or something I see which reminds me of something that happened to me a long time ago.

I relate to your experience.

Yes.

You're doing fine. just keep on. Don't give up.

Allen

Welcome to MaleSurvivor, freshwound.

You are supported and safe here-I am sorry you need this place-but that happened a long time ago (the need) and now it's time to embrace recover and make use of the experience this website and the members have to offer.

If you have not read any articles or books -I urge you to do so. Having a good T is helpful to guide us through the emotions, ups and downs of recovery.

I haven't confronted yet-I am not ready to open myself up to that pain and confusion in front of those who may have should have known-I have had to look elsewhere for affirmation and understanding, Part of my M.O. post csa has always been to seek outside approval and validation of my experiences and put others in the position of the perps-in control and lording over me denying me acceptance.

SSA and sexual acting out were part of my story for years off and on-there is a trigger there hat dates back to the abuse that renders me 9 years old again and needing to take control back from males.

Welcome again-make use of what is here-including the non public side for members.

More memories came to the surface today. My father used to seduce me, call me "pretty" and told me he loved me as he kissed me and touched me. This is what my same sex attraction is all about. I wouldn't feel anything for guys for months or years then I would see a guy that had lips like my dad and BAM I would feel an attraction, stimulation and anxiety. As soon as I realized what it was, my homophobia about myself is gone and the SSA is diminishing by the day! I realize dark rooms is a trigger because most of the abuse took place in our kitchen at night with the lights off.

I decided its time I take a break from all of this. Its way too much too soon and I wasn't able to function day to day. I'm going to have to deal with this a little at a time. I need to work, I need to laugh, I need to play video games, workout, watch UFC, do stuff with my wife. If I try too hard (what I always do lol) or try to "fix it" but allowing all my emotions to flood at once, I will go insane and will become depressed and in despair. This is what I need to do right to function. My inner child is hurting bad, I need to allow my inner adult take over and allow that child to come out here and there. If he takes over I'm done for and unable to function. I think over the last few years I have been able to slightly heal but using parts of my emotions, rational thinking and having a wife who is so open and loving, I let her in more then I ever have with anyone else. Thats why all the memories came up. I needed to deal with it now if I was to fully love this women 100%. So its time for a break now guys. I will keep journaling and I have an appointment with a therapist in a few weeks.

Way to go bud.

You model taking care of yourself very well.

Here's a quote I feel inspired to share,


'Be not afraid of going slowly.
Be only afraid of standing still.'

- Chinese proverb