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#340326 - 09/16/10 04:59 PM why do we hurt the ones we love
Tim1967 Offline


Registered: 07/31/10
Posts: 9
Loc: ontario, canada
I've was asked why I have hurt my girlfriend and act out the way I do. I love her with all my heart,why have I treated her so poorly, I think it may be tied to the insecurities I have. I wish I had all the answers for her, or even part of them as I work through healing


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#340334 - 09/16/10 08:06 PM Re: why do we hurt the ones we love [Re: Tim1967]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Tim,

I wonder sometimes if we hurt those closest to us as a way of almost trying to give them a reason to leave us and prove somehow that we don't deserve the good things in our lives. Have you talked with your girlfriend about it, and if so, does she perceive things the same way you do about the relationship? It could also be that you may be seeing things differently from how she does, i.e., maybe she doesn't even think you're treating her poorly. I know that for a long time in my marriage that I was over-sensitive about doing anything to upset my wife, even to my own detriment. It was kind of the flipside of hurting the ones we love -- I was doing everything in my power to not do that, and neglecting myself in the process.

_________________________
Eddie

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#441820 - 07/22/13 10:48 PM Re: why do we hurt the ones we love [Re: Tim1967]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3365
Loc: O Kanada
fear!

turned into anger.

that is why i hurt the ones i love.

if love conquers fear, then i need to work on my love.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#441958 - 07/23/13 11:10 PM Re: why do we hurt the ones we love [Re: Tim1967]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
Speaking simply for myself its real simple; I am everything but a person, if I treat others badly they will reciprocate. Basically everyone can abandon me, so I can go off and die alone or whatever? Itís just such a viscous cycle; itís really hard to break, I donít have an answer just know that the pain I cause is exceeded by the pain I feel towards the way I act towards others. It re-enforces this less than human self-image and makes it easy to scape-goat myself. Just to show how effíd up I am, the only reason I am still among the living is that the idea that my death would cause her pain, more pain then I can possibly imagine is the only reason Iím still here, cause the shit in my head canít be silenced, I will wait for death and when it comes, I will party like its 1999 or something; NOTHING!!! Itís what I live for; to die!!!

I was taught that love was filthy and dirty, I am filthy and dirty cause I was chosen to be part of something thatís aberrant , what else is there to say, all fucked up, love is sex and sex is all I am good for, right? So no love for me? Iím a whore, money=0 love, just a financial transaction, right?

Victor the idea that love can set you free is so true itís the reason Iím still here, itís just so hard to accept that anyone could ever care for such a freak of nature as myself, almost 30 years together and I still have no idea what itís like to feel loved, I have no answers only confusion, but I do wish I could help, I wish I could feel like they do; bask in the attention of those that say they love us, to feel just for a second what that must be like, I think itís the ultimate in humanity, to feel and acknowledge love from someone, just wish I could feel it too, just another thing that was taken from me by el Diablo.

Isnít that what love is; knowing and accepting the pain, and never wanting the other know the pain of your decision?

Chris
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#441962 - 07/23/13 11:42 PM Re: why do we hurt the ones we love [Re: Tim1967]
TwoSpiritRising Offline


Registered: 11/01/12
Posts: 32
First of all Chris, love to you. I hope you find your way through your dark times. I can relate, wholly.

I'm interested in grasping, too, though, at the question, because I can relate to that, too.

Safety, is a big one, I think. Sometimes I hurt others by being vulnerable and sensitive; over-reactive and strict with my boundaries. You can do that with people you love. But it's good to be aware, at the end of the day, of all the shit they've had to accept and realize that you are Welcome in that place (which is what you "hurt" them "for" in the first place).

**Oh the last minute, "but if", that keeps me from making these amends sometimes: seriously, men and boys who have been sexually abused are made totally invisible. When you are dealing with *trespass* in this way, it is perfectly alright to set appropriate boundaries, to want space, and to be listened to and heard when you are standing up against ageist, sexist and heterosexist programming. Pick your battles, if you must, but that stuff is *their* shit, all day long. And then realize that you can be thankful for them giving you the safety to do that.**

I'm gonna go try and do that.

Much love, family.

TwoSpirit

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#441964 - 07/23/13 11:48 PM Re: why do we hurt the ones we love [Re: Tim1967]
TwoSpiritRising Offline


Registered: 11/01/12
Posts: 32
And, not to dig to deep or be patronizing, but Chris, you know you can find space if you need it (without alienating others). You can die to life's troubles, for a time (without dying to life). And you are totally worth it. (just for being you)

Get away sometime and shut off that ticker.

You deserve to feel love and to be more than an object or commodity, in all ways. Trust that. Even if you can't manifest it, yet. You deserve it. Really feeling for you, brother.

TwoSpirit

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#441982 - 07/24/13 07:33 AM Re: why do we hurt the ones we love [Re: Tim1967]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
Tim didn't mean to hijack the thread, just trying to contribute, just drove 2000 miles and that's all i thought about.

thanx Twospirit

Chris
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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